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Im back, sorry for posting irrelevant stuff

I dont know why my previous account got deleted, (I dont know, maybe it was my period of physcosis that drove me to post disturbing posts on this site) anyways, I am back, I must apologize to you dr.lane and this site. I am sorry, I couldnt control myself, I was so enraged, you know how folks with mental illness are, we go through periods of time when every crashes down on us and we become enraged and lose all sense of reality. I am lucid for now, I might sink into physcosis again, I lose all sense of reality and start becoming enraged with hate towards homosexuality. I suffer from HOCD, I found the best way to cope, is to cut down on anxiety, and find a girl you like to preoccupy your mind. Then when you get a spike, you can always go back to looking at that girl to re-assure yourself. I know that is counter-productive, but I dropped out of exposure, cant take it, it just fills me with panic and anxiety. Anyways, I have a little story to share, yesterday I went to get my exam marks, a homo (I know he is a homo, because everybody says he is and admits himself too) decides to take the mark update with everybody's marks on it, and takes like ten f***ing minutes to look at it, while he is suppose to post it on the wall and let us all see. So, I walk up (it was during my physcosis period) enraged with anger, and I rip the sheet out of his hands, and he decide to try to grab it back from me, so I shove him so hard he falls on the ground and I staple the paper to the cork board, he calls me a name (racial slur), so I go up to him and I almost punched him in the nose, only if it wasnt my friends who restrained me. I was ready to get into a fight right in the middle of the classroom. I was ready to beat his brains to a pulp, (homos are weak and effeminite). I wasnt afraid of anything at that time, absolutely nothing, the reckless rage burned inside me like a beast ready to burst out. By this time, everybody was staring with their mouths wide open in shock, even the teacher was too afraid to say anything, because I probably looked I was nuts, and the rage just boiled over. But I just didnt give a sh*t at that point. Now after the incident, Im thinking clearly, I knew I could have made a real mess, I could have gotten arrested for assault and thrown in adult prison (I turned 18 like half a year ago). I researched the so-called sexuality crisis, and I dont match the symptoms at all, I match HOCD and other mental illnesses better. a little re-assurance, but now exams are over, I actually failed my biology exam, LOL, I dont care, I didnt study, because I got panic attacks from this HOCD sh*t. Now its over, I am more relaxed, I love sarah more than ever, I occupy myself with heavy metal, war/cop movies, shadow boxing and paintballing. I realize, how much of the heavy metal music is about mental illness, and I feel so connected to this music. Sarah is so beautiful, I wish I had the guts to hang out with her and become friends and ask her out, but summer is here, and I dont know if I will see her again, for some reason, my HOCD fears are sinking away, (not that they are gone, they are still here), and it is turning into rage, I dont why, but I like the feeling of rage, it feels me with adrenline, my libido is somewhat back, but it is not strong, I crave enragement, rage feeds my soul, I think it is the music I am listening too, I am addicted to heavy metal, I am like angry and impatient and reckless half the time of the day, the other times, I am calm, or its this HOCD horse sh*t panic attacks. I dont get suicidal thoughts anymore, because rage just fills me so much, I want to yell out my rage, I am acting more and more reckless, I would cross a road really fast on bike, and it would fill me with adrenline, and alot of the times I even start to develop a nihilistic attitude, its like I dont give a f***k for everything. Anyways, that is all. I am so sorry for posting the sh*t I posted before, it wasnt me, it was my physcosis, I was a lunatic, I totally lost any connection with reality during that period, my mind was tortured so bad, I started to connect the HOCD fears with Satan, LOL, I am not even religious, but what the hell, I need reassurance to feed my craving or the HOCD horse sh*t kicks in again. I dont give a f*ck, I fight and fight and fight and fight, I like to fight, I dont know why, maybe I was born to fight, fighting is what I like to do. Sometimes I feel like I really lost my mind, sometimes I can be more positive, sometimes the torture is so bad, I get deppressed, but more and more I see HOCD as an enemy, and I get enraged and want to fight. Signing out.


I want you to read this

I want you to read this response to your above post very carefully.

First, your behavior was not due to "psychosis" as you say. You were out of control, not psychotic. Please do not use that as an excuse. You need to own your inappropriate behavior and anger and take responsibility for it.

Second, rage is not a healthy thing and you are doing things that are only going to feed it, such as listening to heavy metal music and watching war / cop movies, etc. You physically assaulted another person yesterday. That is NOT okay and if you continue to feed your rage you could end up seriously harming someone and going to prison for your actions. I gave you several suggestions (regular exercise, journaling, yoga, etc) that will help you calm yourself if you do them regularly.

Third, this section of this website is for people who have questions to get answers, not for you or anyone else to use as a personal journal or place to vent. Posting hateful remarks towards homosexuals or any other group of people is also not appropriate and will not be tolerated here. Posts that are merely venting and ranting will also not be tolerated.

You need to get help. You have some very serious issues which seem to be getting worse. I strongly suggest you start working with a therapist as soon as possible. I know you are in pain and struggling with a lot of intense feelings. But I have given you the best advice that I can within the limitations of this venue.

I hope you understand and I sincerely wish you the best.

Dr. Lane

I do understand, and I would

I do understand, and I would like to sincerely apologize again, please delete my previous posts, I was out of control when I posted them. It was a good thing my friends restrained me, because I now realize how serious it could have turned out, I am not legally a minor anymore, I could have been arrested. It kind of scares me at the thought of what could have happened. Once, again, I want to thank you for all your help, and I would to apologize again.

I hope you are able to get

I hope you are able to get the help you need. And in the meantime, get back to the yoga - as it seemed that was helpful! Take care.

Dr. Lane

yeah, gonna pick up yoga

yeah, gonna pick up yoga again, war movies and heavy metal makes you enraged and become a lunatic, I will never watch pornography again, I dont want to, its not healthy for me. I try to focus on positive things and push away the intrusive thoughts, I went to the theme park today with my buddies (didnt really want to go, but my parents are becoming worried that I am becoming more and more isolated) so I had to reassure them and forced myself to go, it wasnt a fun day at all, too much people around, I ended up going back to checking. Not good, I almost had 3 panic attacks and excused myself to go to the rest room. Was so distressed. Heart is beating like it is about to explode, fears came back. Cold sweat, light headedness, shaky hands, trembling, not fun at all. Cant look at any dude in the eye, not even my best friend, just cant, just dont want to. My friends noticed pretty fast that I was acting all wierd and tense, I lied and told them I had a fear of the roller coaster we were about to go on. Which, Im glad I had that excuse handy. Anyways, when my buddies started talking about girls at our school, I wasnt even interested, I was so absorbed with the HOCD thoughts, I was in my own little world surrounded by my demons. Anyways, my libido is low with this HOCD wieghing me down, so I wasnt interested, more or less, the discussion about girls spiked me, and HOCD told me that due to my disintrest, I am a....So anyways, not a pleaseant day, too much spikes. Signing out.


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