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I'm scared as hell

I dont know what has gotten into me for the past 4 years. Everyday I fear I am.... I dont even want to type the word. I am a 17 year old male. Everytime I see a another... I examine every single feeling for that person, to see if I really am. It scares me to the point that sometimes I am obssessed with testing myself to see if I am...I dont know what to think, my brains sometimes just wont shut up and stop throwing these stupid thoughts at me, and I try to shut it away as much as possible, but the more I try the more obssessed I become and the more fear it generates, sometimes if I see a girl I like, these thoughts go away for a while, but than it pops up, and I fear that I will never like another girl again. Being...sometimes disgust me, yet sometimes I fear it doesnt. I dont find....attractive, but sometimes I fear that I do. So I test myself and try to force out any feelings. For the first two years, it was under control, but now it is out of control, I think about testing myself everyday, and go through long periods of mania. It almost is like a battle going on in my head, and thoughts come from both sides pop in randomly. I liked this girl in grade 10, I asked her out. I got rejected.I got over the rejection in a couple months, I have been rejected by girls before. And after that, this mania went out of control, although before this rejection it was pretty bad too, but after I started liking her, I forgot about all of this crap and I felt little fear of what was going on in my head. I feel very intimate around women, but after I lose contact, fears start popping in my head that I wont ever be able to feel the same way. Please help,I cant take it anymore, it makes me hate and become disgusted with myself everyday. The fear is horrible, I cant take the anxiety, yet after writing this message, I feel marginally better and after reading about this HOCD, It really helps. I fear if I wrote something more, than you will tell me that I am .......... the fear lingers inside me. I am trying to rationalize some of the thoughts I have had lately. I have to admit, I think I may have been diagnosed with OCD before, a couple years ago, it was my height, I was already the tallest guy in the class, yet everyday I thought I was not growing, and everyday I saw that my friends were growing faster than me. And I couldnt get over the fact that there were people taller than me. I searched all over the internet about how to grow taller. And I got over it after a harsh 2 years.Then it was ocd about joining the military and body-building, I wanted to join the military so bad that I couldnt stop thinking about joining the military and anything that was military related, when ever I saw a person in a military uniform, I went nuts, I felt like crap and wanted to be in the military so bad. Body-building was another thing,when I was a freshmen in highschool, I went to the gym every wednesday, and I saw everybody had bigger muscles and were stronger than I was, and I went on an excersise binge and it drove me nuts, everytime I saw somebody with muscle, I felt bad about myself. Before that when I was younger, I was totally ocd about the size of the wheels on my toy trucks, all the trucks had to be in scale and certain color or shape and had to be 100% perfect. After that it was over food, I wouldnt eat anything that had ground meat in it, I literally choked on ground meat in my pasta or anything, and i feared that I would be served ground meat at a meal. Then came the ocd fear of snails and only snails, I couldnt bear to see a snail on the ground or anything, I would literally freak out about snails and have horrible dreams that snails had crawled into my room. Am I bipolar or schizophrenic? I dont care if I am, I would much rather be bipolar and schizophrenic than ..... Anyways, thank you for listening to me. I would never be able let go of this ******, if no body listend.

Hi TheGeneral,You sound very

Hi TheGeneral,

You sound very distressed. Based on what you describe, it is very likely that you have OCD and have had it for most of your life. It just keeps manifesting itself in different ways.

One of the classic symptoms of OCD is irrational, obsessive thoughts. Just as you described, they keep popping into your head and no matter how hard you try they won't go away. That is not your fault nor is it weakness on your part.

Based on what you have said, it is highly unlikely you are gay. That is most likely your mind playing tricks.

Even though you have used the term "mania" a couple times in your post, I doubt you are bipolar. However, without a lot more information I can't really say. Also, based on what you describe, I definitely don't think you have schizophrenia.

OCD is a very challenging disorder. Treatment typically involves therapy and, in many cases, medication as well. One of the best types of therapy for OCD is cognitive behavioral therapy, although there are other approaches than can be helpful as well. I do not recommend medication alone as treatment. It may help temporarily reduce the symptoms to some degree, but it will not help you learn to manage the disorder. And the symptoms will almost inevitably return once you stop the medication.

I recommend that you set up an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist - preferably someone who either specializes in treating OCD or anxiety disorders, or who has a history of treating this disorder if possible. If you are covered under your parents' health insurance, I encourage you to talk to them. You don't need to go into the details about the fear of being gay; but let them know you are struggling with a lot of anxiety and it is making your life miserable. Most likely they have seen the OCD symptoms over the years. Hopefully they will be supportive.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best.

Dr. Lane

Thank You so much

your words are so encouraging and reassuring, you are the first person that I have ever talked to in my life about this.... I would like to thank you so much for your help. Also I would like to tell you one more thing that has haunted me for most of my life. When ever I walk into the kitchen, I see a knife on the counter, a voice in my head tells me......"you need to take that knife and butcher somebody you love...." It scares the crap out of me, I am afraid that I will actually do what that voice tells me to do one day, also I saw a student snorting drugs on the bus, he offered me some, deep down, I knew I would not take what he offered, but that same voice comes in and says "...take that drug, take it now, take it, take it, take it,....", another time, the voice said " you know you like that dude, right? you know you do, you know your gay?" but i really dont, thats when I get bathed in cold sweat. So thats when I start thinking, oh no, crap, what if one day I do do what that voice tells me to do. And I get all angy and depressed over that. Thank you dr.lane, I look forward to hearing from you. I really appreciate your help, I will definitly look into CBT as a treatment and also plan to find a long-term girlfriend, but thats hard to do when everyday your mind is going through this. I get so much anxiety when around males, I get anxiety when I go to summer camps and have to share a dorm with males, its just that Im afraid that something in mind will go loco and I will become.....For me the only way is to teporarily relive it is through testing. It helps a bit, but I have to test myself everytime, and I always pass the test everytime, but the voice tells me otherwise.

Thank You


the symptoms are getting worse....


I had the worst experience ever in my life yesterday, I spent a whole afternoon at the skateboard park looking at dudes, I tested myself to see if I was really...than I would be attracted to one of them. I came home concluding that I did not. It was such a happy 2 hours, that I could almost sing out my joy, it felt like the burdan lifted. But when I got home, and went to bed, I had a panic attack, the HOCD obssession came back, I was not thinking rationally at all, I started doubting that I was straight, the anxiety was so overwhelming, that I thought my chest would explode, I was shaking so bad and my hands were trembling so much and I suddenly felt cold sweat and another moment it would feel so hot, and my face turned red. It was so depressing, I curled into a fetal position, and just flipped and tossed in bed. I couldnt even bring myself to shut these HOCD thoughts away, because my HOCD made me doubt that I had HOCD and I was really just a homo and I was about to come out of the closet and if I just let it be, than for the rest of my life it would be on my shoulders. I cried to myself, while I asked god, why me? I just want a wife and children and a house and a car, I dont ask for much, Ive always been a good person, why are you torturing me like this? I thought I couldnt live like this anymore, I started shaking and trembling even more at this thought, I love life so much, I've never had these kind of thoughts before HOCD hit me. The anxiety was so bad that I thought my lungs were gonna burst, as I had trouble breathing out and held my breathe until the anxiety built up so high that I forced my self to breathe out, what made it worse was that HOCD made me believe that my anxiety is because I was attracted to men, but I stayed at f***ing skate park for the whole afternoon, and none of the dudes appealed to me in anyway. This morning, for some reason, I feel better, I thinking rationally right now while I write to you, maybe I will break down again later today, because I read on your site (very informational!), that OCD goes in cycles, and right now I am probably in the cycle before the obssession. Usually what sets off my obssession, is a small question that goes off in my head, most the time it is a what if question, after that, I start searching on the internet for pictures of men, to prove to myself I dont find them attractive. Than it snowballs from there, and soon I will be shaking and sweating and my heart is beating as fast as possible and I get pain in the chest and lungs, I start to doubt all rationality, sometimes I would find reassurance, sometimes not (reassurance = article, or sitting at a skate park and etc.), if I dont find reassurance, I take a nap and wake up, when the trembling and the mortal fear is gone, I think rationally and feel much better, anything can set me off again, Dr.lane, I dont know if your listening or not, but I am going to keep updating this post, this is my only outlet for my misery, if I keep it inside me, I think I should just enroll myself in a mental hospital. Also maybe my sudden HOCD symptoms are elevated beyond normal becasue of the stress Im going through, its exam week, I am only one percent from dropping to a 3.0 gpa, I feel so stressed, and HOCD takes away my study time to go through the cycles. I know you are very busy Dr.Lane, so I dont expect a response. But anyways it doesnt matter, writing helps alieviete the anxiety a bit.


been there, done that....

General- I went through this my junior year in high school. I remember watching a Oprah show and it was the first time "gay" really hit the mainstream (1989-90) at least for me in the media. I remember almost immediately after that show, the worrying started to set in. Of course at that time, I had no one to go to because the subject matter was so taboo. It was a really tough time in my life. I knew I liked girls, and even though I had a huge crush on this one girl, nothing stopped the rumination. I remember being a "bagger" at a local grocery store and just thinking of this question day and night; "am I gay". I would go out to get carts in the parking lot and just cry. I would even think to myself, "well, I'm just gay and I'm just gonna like guys" and it made me so upset, depressed and even have thoughts of suicide. I lost a ton of weight and looked tired all the time. Sleep was my only friend but at the same time, I dreaded waking up because I knew what I was going to face the next morning. It drained me. And all the while I never told anyone. I did ask some friends and my parents " do you think I'm normal?" And they would be like yea.... I even remember trying to "slur" my words and when I would do that, I would say something like "yup, I'm gay" ... while crying of course. I even threw up a few times from getting myself so worked up. This lasted about 13 months straight. So I know where your coming from. Hang in there, it'll pass. I promise!


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