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Is posting becoming a compulsion for me??


I dont know why, but is posting on this forum becoming obssessive for me, I cant stop, I put away my laptop for two seconds yesterday, I said I will never post again, but 10 mins later, I got a spike, and I panicked and started to post again. I feel like the more I talk about my feelings, the better I feel and reassured I am. I dont even know why? should I stop this compulsion? or is it even a compulsion at all? mostly its the doubt that make me want to post so much. I notice I am probaly the person who post the most on this message board. If I dont post, I feel like crap, and doubt takes over, if I write my thoughts down, it relieves me tempoarily, and I try to push away the thoughts by adapting a I don't give a **** attitude, but the hardest is that doubt is the hardest thing to not give a ***** about. doubt is what I fear the most. I want to fall in love with Sarah, but all this stress wont let me concentrate on her,I am wondering, if exams are over and I do find a girl-friend will this HOCD go away? it has before, but has always come back stronger and stronger, after I get rejected. I dont want to go to the rail-road tracks, I dont want to anymore, it scares me, and makes me depressed even more. I just want this disease to be cured, and I find a girl-friend or at least another crush. But with stress and anxiety, it is pretty tough on my mind. I want to be a monk, I want to meditate so bad, but my doubt throws me into an emotional wreck. If I shut my self away, than even if my doubts were real(they feel so damn real), than will it be better. I will live in a monestary, but then if i did that, my parents would not understand, and I dont want them to start thinking Im crazy. I know they will be compassionate, if I was really what my doubts tell me I am, then it wouldnt matter what my parents think, I will lock away myself in a mental hospital or a monestary, and wear a straight jacket and get IV's plugged into me to relieve the pain. I am able to look forward positively when I am calm, when I panic, I divert the thoughts of going to the rail-road to wanting to shut myself away in a hospital or becoming a monk on the plateaus of tibet. I think the latter is more realistic, I dont have the money to be in a hospital of any kind. Or maybe, if I went to the government, than they would diagnose me with some sort of serious mental disorder, and they would incarcerate me for the rest of my life in a mental hospital. I dont know why that thought brings me hope. Being locked up in a mental hospital for the rest of my life doesnt seem to0 bad. And best of all, if it was with the government, I wouldnt have to worry about paying for it. And my doubts would be insignificant, because I would never have to contact anybody again in the world, and therefore making my doubts irrelevent. I would sign a contract that I will never be released under no condition, (just in case HOCD took over me and I become delerious or something), so if my doubts were real, they would not become a reality, but deep down I know I would never want to be released, I just want to be alone and not have to check and worry, because there is nobody around for me to check and worry about, I would pass the years by painting and taking medicine, it wouldnt be so bad, nothing is as bad as living in terror with HOCD. It will bring me solace, it would, the mental hospital is like a sanctuary in the middle of my terror. Or maybe if I went truly insane, then I wouldnt care, I would be babbling insane words, and than they would have to strap me to a chair and use electricity to shock me until I stop being insane. I need to find a gov. program, that would keep me incarcerated indefinitly. That is my last choice. I think I am slowly becoming insane, Im still scared of the spikes. but Im begginning to fear the sheer terror more than anything else. I dont want freedom, freedom scares me, being shut away is so calming and so nice. BTW my HOCD is morphing, everytime I feel better, It finds a way to attack me in a different way. Some of the thoughts dont even make sense, its the doubt that strikes fear into me.


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