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Its Getting Worse
Dr.Lane,
I had the worst experience ever in my life yesterday, I spent a whole afternoon at the skateboard park looking at dudes, I tested myself to see if I was really...than I would be attracted to one of them. I came home concluding that I did not. It was such a happy 2 hours, that I could almost sing out my joy, it felt like the burdan lifted. But when I got home, and went to bed, I had a panic attack, the HOCD obssession came back, I was not thinking rationally at all, I started doubting that I was straight, the anxiety was so overwhelming, that I thought my chest would explode, I was shaking so bad and my hands were trembling so much and I suddenly felt cold sweat and another moment it would feel so hot, and my face turned red. It was so depressing, I curled into a fetal position, and just flipped and tossed in bed. I couldnt even bring myself to shut these HOCD thoughts away, because my HOCD made me doubt that I had HOCD and I was really just a homo and I was about to come out of the closet and if I just let it be, than for the rest of my life it would be on my shoulders. I cried to myself, while I asked god, why me? I just want a wife and children and a house and a car, I dont ask for much, Ive always been a good person, why are you torturing me like this? I thought I couldnt live like this anymore, I started shaking and trembling even more at this thought, I love life so much, I've never had these kind of thoughts before HOCD hit me. The anxiety was so bad that I thought my lungs were gonna burst, as I had trouble breathing out and held my breathe until the anxiety built up so high that I forced my self to breathe out, what made it worse was that HOCD made me believe that my anxiety is because I was attracted to men, but I stayed at f***ing skate park for the whole afternoon, and none of the dudes appealed to me in anyway.But more than once I had a fantasy about men, not specific people but in general, maybe it was due to HOCD?, I am not thinking right these days, its driving me nuts, maybe it was because I have a big fetish for hosiery and that is when my HOCD started, I thought when I first tried on a pair of tights,am i gay? is this why I like tights?,I have in honest truth never had a crush on any male, and now-a-days, I just feel anxiety around males. When I am around females, I feel deep down, how much I love that girl, and if she loves me back, how beautiful it would be to kiss her on the lips and to sleep in the same bed and grow old together and having children, and how sexy it would be if she sat on my lap..... While compared to the occasional homo fantasy i have since the last two month, which I found disgusting after it passed. But having fantasy drove my HOCD over-board, I couldnt bear the wieght on my shoulders. My last crush, was actually a couple month ago, but she showed no interest in me and I gave up, after 2nd semester started. mostly it is fear, am I attracted to this person?? Or maybe I have watched too much heterosexual pornography, that im bored of women. But I browsed thorugh the homo crap, and anxiety just took over, I couldnt bring myself to watch any of the homo pornography and after one look, I have no desire to look at any of the homo pornography, it would bring more anxiety than anything else. In reality I dont find men attractive at all, they just kind of blend into the background and when a girl that I feel really connected with comes in, I forget about this crap. HOCD, tries to trick me into thinking I like men and that I will never like another women again, but all there is is just anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, and even more anxiety. This morning, for some reason, I feel better, I thinking rationally right now while I write to you, maybe I will break down again later today, because I read on your site (very informational!), that OCD goes in cycles, and right now I am probably in the cycle before the obssession. Usually what sets off my obssession, is a small question that goes off in my head, most the time it is a what if question, after that, I start searching on the internet for pictures of men, to prove to myself I dont find them attractive. Than it snowballs from there, and soon I will be shaking and sweating and my heart is beating as fast as possible and I get pain in the chest and lungs, I start to doubt all rationality, sometimes I would find reassurance, sometimes not (reassurance = article, or sitting at a skate park and etc.), if I dont find reassurance, I take a nap and wake up, when the trembling and the mortal fear is gone, I think rationally and feel much better, anything can set me off again, Dr.lane, I dont know if your listening or not, but I am going to keep updating this post, this is my only outlet for my misery, if I keep it inside me, I think I should just enroll myself in a mental hospital. Also maybe my sudden HOCD symptoms are elevated beyond normal becasue of the stress Im going through, its exam week, I am only one percent from dropping to a 3.0 gpa, I feel so stressed, and HOCD takes away my study time to go through the cycles. I know you are very busy Dr.Lane, so I dont expect a response. But anyways it doesnt matter, writing helps alieviete the anxiety a bit.
-TheGeneral
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General, Your story has
General,
Your story has brought tears flooding out of my eyes. Your story mimics mine in such symetry. Im dealing with the school interference and the crying and trembling spells too bc at the end of the day I analyze everything like for fucks sake I couldn't even type the word analyze without seeing the word "anal" and saying to myself of I see these things more now bc I just "have to be" gay. Man I feel your pain and hope that you continue to reach out as am I.
Chad, I am glad there is
Chad, I am glad there is somebody who is going through this like I am, this HOCD is killing me like how it is killin you. This is my new account, I forgot the password to the old one. But anyways, I had the biggest spike ever today. I did the worst thing you could do. And that is I browsed to homo pornography, what was worse is that I didnt feel anxeity. but I was not tempted to watch any of it either. That is what scares me the most, I didnt get any anxiety. While the whole time, the HOCD is sending off signals in my damn brain. Does it count for anything, that I never had a crush or had any attraction for men in my life. I am losing hope, sometimes I am so sure that I am not gay. But sometimes in the darkest hour, I fear so much I am. I want my old self back, I want to live life. I have to check if I am sitting the right way in the damn chair. I have to sit a certain way or people might think I am gay. I cant cross my legs, that is definitly gay. I get so scared even when I am around my own father, my pa put his arm around me when we were watching baseball today, I felt so scared, I wanted to get the hell out of there. I am slowly losing hope, all I want is to be me again. I cant imagine sleeping with another dude, thats not right, thats not right, I cant imagine living with another dude, and finally I have always loved women, and I know my love for women goes deep down. I am afraid I am turning gay, but I thought gay people are born gay. But I dont like the idea of kissing another dude, its not me, it just is not me. I was in love with this beautiful blonde girl before, but now, I am so deppressed, I cant even revisit those pleaseant intimate moments I had with her before. What is even more scary (I guess, you could put it that way), is that I am turning more and more suicidal than ever before, I constantly have to resort to thinking about suicide when I get a spike, suicidal thoughts bring me some degree of comfort. What more, I even went to the gun shop and purchased a rifle today, it felt like solace in my hands. (I am so sorry if this making you depressed, I have to get this weight of my chest). Before, I thought about lying on the rail-road tracks, but it scared me. I know that I dont like men, but these stupid thoughts try to trick me into thinking I do. Today, I was at a party, and there was this handsome dude, if it was before HOCD, I would not have freaked out like I did today, I basically went to the restroom, I had a panic attack, my chest felt like it was going to explode, I vomited out everything in my stomach. I ran away, as fast as I could. I couldnt take it. I cant even go to the male restrooms anymore, I cant even take a shower, I dont want to take off my shirt, I dont want to live with a guy, it doesnt connect with me deep down. Now whats worse, is that I dont have any libido, perhaps it is because I looked to much pornogrpahy, and my mind got bored of it. I am just so depressed. The suffering is just so bad, I am in doubt for so many times in the day. Before, life was happy for me, now it has been destroyed. Anyways, I feel your pain too, this diseases is so horrible. Nothing can be worse. Keep on reaching out, it helps alot to talk about your pain.
Dude suicide is never the
Dude suicide is never the answer. This mental illness is such small part of who we are but we don't realize it always. Honestly find a pyscologist who strictly works soley with OCD and begin ERP exposure response prevention that is what I am currently going throught right now, its scary alright but honestly ERP is the most viable way out of this mess. My doc is amazing, part of the OCD foundation etc. he literally said this to me "there isn't one patient I have treated with HOCD that hasn't been ridded of it. Keep on keeping on there is light at the end of the tunnel just gotta gather the strength for getting help. Just google OCD specialists in your area! Do it, shit I am so glad that I did.
yeah I am going through this
yeah I am going through this exposure therapy too right now with my therapist. I think the difference between me and you is that my HOCD has progressed to a much more serious point than yours. I think you still have hope to get better, as for me, I am only clinging on to life right now. I know who I am, you have to understand, its not that I want to die, I dont want to die, every night I lie in bed, I stare at the ceiling and I feel just so depressed, I want to live, I want to live so bad, I want to be with the girl of my dreams, I want to so bad. I want to drive into the sunset with her in my arms in a convertible. But then the cold cold reality hits me so hard, I am being tormented, I mean literally tormented by this mental disease. It feels like it is always going to be a part of me and it will never let me go. I think if it was just the mental disease, if it was just HOCD alone without the love-sickness, I would have blown out my brain a long time ago. But I am also love-sick, I am so damn love-sick over a girl that I cant get. It is such a horrible feeling, when you want to die, but sadness hits you because you dont want to leave the girl you love behind. But than again, your so damn depressed and tortured by this illness that you want to die and let death take away all the pain and misery, but yet you are so damn sad that you wont ever be with the girl you love. Its miserable, I am in a limbo between death and life. Death will take away the pain, yet I have to leave what I want behind, yet I cant live life to the fullest, because I am depressed and inconfident and tortured. Sometimes, I tell myself nothing matters after you die, you just have to squeeze the trigger. You will forget everything. Anyways, I am going through therapy, I dont know if it will help, and frankly I dont care. I hope you do get well, you still have a chance at beating this disease. You still have your whole life ahead of you. While for me, it doesnt matter anymore, its too late. I dont have anything, I am being pushed to the edge by hocd torture and want to terminate my own life, while at the same time I want to live life. Yet I cant do either. I am in pain. so bad of pain.
Genral, you are not alone.
Genral, you are not alone. NOT ALONE. This is OCD and it will get better. For fucks sake I was in the hospital last week because I wanted to kill myself. Then I saw what crazy really is. Yes we are tormented by these thoughts that persistently fuck with our minds, and yes it gets to the point where you wanna just say fuck it, but thats not through squeezing a trigger, it is through the courage which you have already portrayed to seek help to find an OCD specialist, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc. The love of my life was ripped away from me over this past year and she was the only escape from the thoughts because I loved her physically and emotionally. In addition my "best friend" ended up sexually harrassing me and asking for favors, even when he knew of my illness. He would tell me face your fears come on just this once, etc. And how do you think my mental state was after that? I have had my love ripped away and my best friend end up seeking sex acts out of me. My HOCD is fueled by my past and has taken so much away from me. I have hit rock bottom, and once your there, there is no way but up. This constant torment is so painful and seems like a never ending battle or that the battle is lost. Its not, it really is not. You just gotta fight take it day by day follow through with your CBT/ERP treatment, take your meds as scheduled, and try to stay active and involved. Continue reaching out and gathering supporters rooting for you to get better, but the only one that can make that happen is you. We are the constants in our lives. We wake up with ourselves and go to bed with ourselves. Until we take care of ourselves and our OCD we cannot help others or 'function' so just keep in mind ya gotta Fake it Till Ya Make It, seek help, and never give up. We're not victims we're fighters and survivors, and we will survive this bump(cataclysmic mountain) in the road and move on.
Keep on fighting.
-Chad
This is an average day for me
This is an average day for me now, I wake up, I get a spike, I think about killing myself or I start thinking about planning to kill myself, I dwell more and more on death, but in the darkest hour, I think about Sarah, thats when the sadness comes in, then I become depressed, I cant die yet I cant live. What the hell am I suppose to do. God, this disease is so much torture,just let me die or let me live, yet it wont let me do either. I would have no problem with either, let me be in peace, be it dead or alive. All I want is a peace of mind. Chad I hope your not going through this like I am, I am glad you have gone to a therapist early, I have made the decision to seek treatment too late.