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Am i really suffering from HOCD or OCD??

Hello i am a 19 year old male and ever since i was born I had problems of unwanted thoughts. When i was little i had a huge germaphobic problem i always washed my hands and thought if i didn't i was going to get sick and die. A few years later it would reoccur but i had a better way of controlling it and it went away.
For the past years or so my mind would tell me if i didn't do something a certain way i would die or my family would get sick or i could loose a body part etc. For example if i didn't walk between two trees that i saw in the park i could get a brain tumor. It was so bad that i would punish myself like scratch my skin until i bleed or bite the insides of my cheek. It would be also when i would start to eat that if i didn't pray to God for blessing the food before i ate then he would punish me, my future kids, my family, or my friends health wise. Also for a while i had unwanted thoughts while trying to sleep. These thoughts were that people laughing at other people dying. I would imagine someone lying in a coffin at a funeral and a huge crowd of people around that dead person pointing and laughing or i would imagine people laughing while seeing the world trade centers collapsing on 9/11. If i ever had thoughts about these things before falling asleep then i HAD TO PRAY if i didn't pray i thought i was going to get a brain tumor or something bad would happen to my family always.Ive always liked girls from all the way from my life until suffering from im pretty sure HOCD from the beginning of October. I had crushes on them always feel sexual around them when talking and always fantasizing about them throughout grade school, junior high and high school. I never had these feelings around my guy friends ever. Even though i never had a girlfriend because the thought of rejection or just never had the confidence of saying you wanted go out on a date. Getting back to unwanted thoughts this is a little embarrassing to me but i have to say it. I would always masturbate having sex with women or just the thought about being a woman because she was so attractive. But never in my life have i ever masturbated to me being a women having sex with another man NEVER IN MY LIFE!But for some reason while in masturbation some random guy popped into my head while at the point of orgasm and i climaxed hard. This really got me worried and making me start to question my sexuality. I know im straight but now my mind is playing tricks on me and starting to find reasons for me to think other wise and its getting really bad. I cant concentrate on school, i have depression, i wont eat, and im starting to loose some weight. Throughout the day i would feel fine and convince my self everything will be okay then the next hour or so i start to worry about my sexuality and its really hell. I would find reasons that ive always been heterosexual then my worries would go away then my mind will go back and try to find reasons that i could be gay. (Hence not having a girlfriend) and other reasons. Ive always had this problem but the sexuality question was not until in college because i now only go to school 2 days in the week and the rest i basically do nothing and spend time on the computer or watching tv etc. Could it be im just not keeping my mind occupied with other things? Or that i need to start going to Church again? Or i just need to get out of my house and start doing physical activities? Or just start being social around people? I don't know please help thanks.

I have also been paranoid to

I have also been paranoid to check the doors of my house if there were locked and the garage door was closed before i go to bed because i always thought someone was going to come in with a gun and kill me or my family. Or if i had a gun and unwanted thoughts of shooting my own family members.....

Hi Logitech101, It sounds

Hi Logitech101,

It sounds like you have a long history of OCD, and possibly more as well. As for the HOCD (which also fits - it is a specific type of OCD, but you have more than HOCD), many people describe it as starting with a random thought, a statement by someone else, or a situation - and you were particularly vulnerable due to your long history of OCD.

Considering how much distress this is causing you, I strongly suggest you seek treatment if possible. Therapy is the best treatment for OCD, although the severity of your symptoms may also warrant the addition of medication to help (but not as the main treatment).

I do recommend that you do other things as well (the things you suggested, like increasing your physical activity - exercise is beneficial to both depression and anxiety) and not isolating yourself. The more idol time you have the more your thoughts will spiral out of control.

I encourage you, if possible, to set up an appointment with a therapist who specializes in the treatment of OCD (if you can find one). The best type of therapy is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT); it will help you change thinking patterns that fuel the anxiety and obsessions. It is a process but it can be very effective. If you are unable to find someone in your area you might check out the therapists listed on this site who specialize in OCD. I don't know any of them personally, but it might be worth an initial consultation.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best!

Dr. Lane


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