Fear of hocd

Since March,I have had the fear of being homosexual. I have been looking at straight pornography for 13 years now. Never ventured away. 2 years ago I moved in on my own and the porn use skyrockted 3-4 hours to some times all day. Between these 2 years, I stop going on no dates and very little social interaction. As time went on it became harder for me to talk to girls. I'd say about a year ago, this girl I used to like asked me if I was gay because I never had been in a relationship before. And another guy I used to work with suggested the same. It did not bother me at the time, because I knew I was not. But my therapists suggested it did. I have not been on a date in like forever.
Like two months ago, I noticed that I'd be talking to a man about something and the word "kiss" would flash into my mind. No guy in particular, anybody. This was right around the time I joined an organization, in which I felt a part of a large family.
I was hanging out with my comrade whom I've known for three years. (Never anything fishy and even now when I am sober. I know we are good friends nothing more) And we were hanging out in the computer lab. We were sitting right next to each other. I remeber being excited to see him and the word "kiss" flashed again. I have always admired him and his accomplishments. We've always been cool. He is an overachiever. He has the girls, football, good grades, a work ethic, good family and all that. I always thought if I could hang out with him I could pick that stuff up. I have always tried to attach myself to someone I felt was superior too me.
Anyways when that thought came too me, I thought am I gay? But it passed. He ended up giving me some books worth $700 for FREE and a sofa, recliner, and television for $200. I kept asking why he had been so nice, and he said I was cool. No one had ever been that nice too me. I thought he was gay or at least trying to set me up. I begin to build a case on why he must be gay. Then I wondered if I was because I accepted the stuff.
(I had been depressed for months before because of no girlfriends, no job, no money, creditors calling, school done, and grandmother in the hospital)
The next day I had a visicous argument with my dad which left me feeling hurt and weak. I have never had a good relationship with my dad in the past. He always made me feel weak and insecure. He has a VERY low emotional IQ,and never really emotionally supported me. Then that night I had all these thoughts rushing in my head. It felt like I was going to go crazy. Then I had some homoerotic thoughts that involved my comrade and another guy who dissed me the other day. Then after that I kept obsessing over them and fighting myself. I have had sick thoughts before but never like guy thoughts. I just brush them aside because they aren't true. But these I just could not stop. Every guy (Even in family) I saw I had homoerotic thoughts, and I would always check to see if I was aroused. I even tried to check by looking at gay porn, BIG Mistake. Then next thing I knew I was noticing guys and then checking for arousal. Asking for reassurance only to ask days later. I read Dr. Williams and mark johnson HOCD article like everyday recently.
I have been feeling better recently, like things are going back to normal. The hardest thing to do is ignore the thoughts or whatever pops into my head. I have been really depressed because of this I know I am straight but feels like whenever I realize the truth. I have nothing to think about and I go back to sometimes forcing myself to have them. Because I dont know what else to do, its like when you think of something for 10 hours day what you going to do when its gone. Part of the problem, is that alot of times I was forcing myself to have thoughts, I don't know why.
All I ever wanted was a girlfriend for the first time to break my dry spell and to be a player. To be good with women, I read books, watch dvds on psychology and I just can't get it right. Even now all I want is to be with a girl on a steady basis.

It sure sounds like you have a lot going on right now. From your description you sounds a lot like what many call “HOCD.” Your specific obsessions however are actually irrelevant to getting better. OCD is often called the doubting disease. When you doubt, you then try to reassure yourself or check to see whether or not you are gay – which only feeds your symptoms and makes them stronger. That is how the OCD cycle works. Because the obsessions are not true, what you actually need to do is embrace them. Each time you do they will lessen in intensity. You also need to stop checking. No porn or reassurance. Obviously this sounds easier than it actually is, which is why most people will need the help of a therapist.

Find a psychologist trained in cognitive behavioral psychology, who practices a technique called exposure and response/ritual prevention. This is the best way to treat and beat OCD long term. You could also consider seeing a psychiatrist to perhaps explore medication options. Medication is most useful when your OCD is at its worst. It often takes the edge off, giving you a little relief. Another recommendation I have would be to purchase some OCD literature so you can better understand the disorder and its treatment.

For more about CBT for OCD go here: http://www.brainphysics.com/therapy.php

Best regards,
Dr. Williams

hello Dr.Williams
i too have posted a problem of mine....
Pls reply me and help me out
AM in great depression
Pls pls help me !!!!

Awaiting for your reply