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Brain Physics » OCD » hocd or ego-dystonic sexual orientation? I have always wanted with all my heart to have wife and kids. I get erections with women but I find many guys irresistably pleasant 2look at and a thought/desire of kissing them pops up.

hocd or ego-dystonic sexual orientation? I have always wanted with all my heart to have wife and kids. I get erections with women but I find many guys irresistably pleasant 2look at and a thought/desire of kissing them pops up.

Submitted by Matteo Wed 02/17/2010

I feel this urge but I wouldn't act on it, as it's against my belief system, my dreams and goals. I get real (and not society-imposed) pleasure (feeling of completeness) from imagining me with family and in an exclusively hetero-life. That's the path I've consciously chosen. I feel that the same-sex attraction has no place in my life, as it came unasked. I can do without exploring that path.

While the thought lingers, it's disturbing and it causes great anxiety that piles up destructively. It could be the holding it back, it could be the dreary connotations i instantly make that my life would change in a way i wouldn't want. I am afraid that there might come a day that I won't be able not to act on it. (Like a Brokeback mountain outburst.)

I never flirt with guys, but I feel an emotional attachment to some of them that I am afraid could mean more than my deep but pure male friendships.

As for women, it's generally hard for me to find a date, and my respecting women too much has hindered me many times. They can drive me wild and bring out strong sexual desires in me when I relax and just let go completely, like at a strip joint.

It's easy for me to just be friends with a girl, and i'm afraid this means more. Maybe it's just because it gets the flirting stress off the picture. Maybe not. Most of the times i can feel no underlying attraction from my part. It's not easy for me to get attracted by any girl, whereas guys grasp my sight more easily. But maybe it's the OCD that makes that "grasping" so strong. (I have generally many many other OCD symptoms.) When I'm more relaxed and self-confident though, like when on holidays, feeling attracted by women and flirting hard when possible is my cup of tea. And I receive real pleasure from this.

In a nutshell, as strange as it sounds, I might impulsively start to fantasize just kissing hard with men when close to an attractive one (but I send the thought away immediately), but I fantasize and pursue sex only with women.

I'm so confused... I would appreciate your help a great deal! :-)

It is perfectly normal to have feelings of attraction and affection for other men, even if you are completely heterosexual. Most people have such thoughts from time to time and don’t worry about them at all. The problem you have is that you worry too much about the thoughts, then try to push the thought out of your mind. When you try NOT to think of something, that only makes the thought stronger, thus you end up with an obsession that won’t go away. The solution for you is not to “send the thought away immediately”. Welcome the thought, even if you don’t really want to. Over time, that will weaken the thought and cause it to fade.

Best of luck,
Dr. Williams

Monnica T. Williams, Ph.D., Clinical Psychology
No Cost OCD Treatment:

Thank you so much Dr. for answering me yourself, I do appreciate it a great deal. :)

The first psychologist I talked to about it had told me the same. After having felt that I was truly gay and that I would have to come out no matter what, I was almost suicidal, but with this new light on my case, the possibility that i was a confused hetero, I felt relieved and the idea that i might be bi as for attractions but straight as for behaviour worked for me. I felt like having found peace. But attractions are coming back no matter what. I am so open-minded about homosexuality as a human expression, and I don't either consider affection towards men a part of it, thus I am totally open as for hugs and so on with my male friends. (We even go as far as making jokes like "you're my gf", just for fun.) And that friendship is fulfilling. But there have been multiple times I feel like falling in love with men. Then I don't pay much attention to it and it doesn't usually last long. I just don't let it have a part in my life.

Although I feel that if I let myself go, I would/might like it (at least a non-evolved part of me would/might). I have noticed attractions to men since early adolescence let say and back then i was so preoccupied with seeing men naked, checking out their size, comparing it to mine and so on. I wouldn't flirt or seek sexual pleasure from them, maybe because homosexuality has never been a valid option for me according to my ego's viewpoint, but i felt that at least back then there was something homo-erotic about it. Still, it's normal in adolescence, right?

Still, I felt like I wanted them as friends at max, but how could I have said I wanted them for more, since that was beyond conception for me back then? Till now, I do feel that I need to connect with men as friends and have them as role models, but sometimes I feel it's more..

If you asked my confused self, I would say that there's a big chance these attractions do exist. On the other hand, there is conscious choice to pursue women and there is some ocd too. But when I find myself not sufficiently attracted by a girl, i freak again. Like not desiring to kiss them or not bothering to pursue them hard. But even if just a 5% of the women available out there made me feel a crush, or a desire or have an erection, wouldn't that still mean I'm straight, at least a selective one? Even if I'm bi, can I go on with the straight part of me exclusively?

Once I made out with a girl and I had no response from "down there" and i freaked. But I was so happy she was flirting with me, so honestly excited.

And when my therapist after my first visit told me that "i am hetero (because i actually chose it) with only some bi/gay suspicions/elements", i left his office so thrilled like i got my diploma or better, like i got out of jail!

I looked at girls at the street thinking to myself "i have now broken free, we'll get wild", but on the very same night i met a 200% attractive guy at a party and i felt so magnetized and when close to him i had a real desire to kiss him. What's going on?

Am I bi with my gay side feeling it as a temptation, while my straight side feels it as ocd/ego-dystonic?

Thank you so much, today the day started off wonderfully, my thought had easened a lot and your answer made that even better. But since you answered, I have the chance to open up a bit more and just ask you, to feel more aware of a state like the one i'm describing...

Looking forward to your new reply, I'm deeply grateful, congrats for your work and aaall the best!!! :)

It's not just about biology or attraction, otherwise you'd have to approach every person that made you feel aroused. Likewise, I wouldn't read too much into the fact that you weren't feeling aroused when you wanted to. Most men have had times when they couldn't perform for all kind of reasons having nothing to do with sexual orientation.

Humans have a higher mind, and can make choices about who they want to be with. You can choose to be with females or males. If you are truly bisexual, you can choose to have a fulfilling relationship with female, if that is what is important to you.

Best regards,
Dr. Williams

Monnica T. Williams, Ph.D., Clinical Psychology
No Cost OCD Treatment:

Dear Dr. Williams,

I felt very relieved reading your answer. I have no words. I could use the chance to ask you more things on this elaborate issue i'm facing, but I think that your answer is so precise and clear that it summarizes all the essence of everything around my problem. You have encouraged me a great deal.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,

Hello, the article that I read on this site about HOCD is argubly the best that I have read thus far and it mirrors what I am feeling.
How do I share my concern. I am married with children. For as long as I can remember, I have always been attracted to women I have been with innumerable.I have only been attracted to women in all my life. I have never found men attractive and still do not. Yes, I will love to have a robust constitution like most men, I will to look like men who are fit, but that is as far as my attraction goes and that still stands. However, When I was in my twentys I vividly recall feeling very liberated and happy one day that my thought ran wild and I harboured impure thoughts about men. I subseqently felt as warmth around my butt regilion, nothing physical, just mental I am pretty certain. I then went to use the toilet, soon after defecating, I felt a burning sensation in my anal area, here again nothing physical, just mental. That was when my burdens started. Every time from then I used the toilet, immediately after, I felt a burning sensation. This sensation followed homosexual thoughts. However, I was never attracted to men. I was still attracted to females.This inexplicable feeling brought lots of agony,depression,suicidal feelings, thoughts that I might be gay etc. I really struggled initially because this was weird for me.

After a period, I fought that feeling, do not know how. I guess that with time, I learnt to forget that it existed and I was out of that phase. I was always unhappy in that phase. Lots of days I never wanted to work. I just wanted to hide and worry myself to death. When I came out of that phase and back on the happy phase, I felt so happy. I felt that I regained my life, confidence and self - esteem. You see I have been living like this for 15 years now.When I am burdened by those thoughts I am so very happy. I am feel as though I can take on the world. I have lots of plans. I want to have every gorgeous woman that I see. I dread that I have aged so fast and wish to go back to being younger etc. But, when I am in that horrible phase of HOCD, I am ultra depressed, I wish for all the ailments. I wish I had a brain tumor or any form of sickness, I wish for all the negative things to happen to me. I guess the only reasons I have not committed suicide is because I am afraid to answer to the lord and my family. But, I have been experiencing tremendous challenges. However, despite all of this, I am never attracted to men. I am still very attracted to women. But, I try to control that since I have a family and I am a monogamous person.

I was alright for the last three years, but, there has been a relapse now and I am so horrible right now. It is like I wish I can die a natural death tomorrow. But, I am praying desperately to come out of this phase.I hate being like this. And, I strongly support the view that you have to turn a blind eye to this HOCD.

Kindly advise what to do.


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