Tired of HOCD

Hi people,

I don't know where to start from. HOCD hit me bad approx. one year and a half ago. My anxiety levels hadn't ever been so high, for some moments I really wanted to die, I almost lost my year at the university, my sociability got almost inexistent... quite frankly, a hell.

Little by little, I started to get some help, I went to psychologists, used some meds, a lot of exposition-behaviour theray... and I started to see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

With some bad and good moments...time went by, and I even had a crush on a girl, life was getting bright, and I reached a good level of happiness. Of course I could be better, but compaired to what I went through, it felt like paradise.

But, during these 8-9 months that i've been pretty good, the gay thoughts never left me. I learnt how to somehow deal with them (no major spikes at all... I have even watched the movie "brokeback mountain" without feeling any pain lol), but they have been always there... and every two-three weeks, I get another gay-check episode. Pics, porn, thoughts... just to check that there is not sexual arousement (yet).

Moreover, my exposition procedures have gradually turned into check-reassurance stuff. I just can not think of something gay just to get used to and reduce anxiety in case that thought pops up. I constantly check on my mind if I really like it.

I don't know exactly why I'm writting this. I am totally aware there are no miracle solutions for this, that reassurance brings me nothing but more anxiety at the medium term and I just got have to let it go. But I reached a point in which I see no improvement in my illness, I just got stuck.

And I'm a little bit sad, tired and desperated.

Sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker.

Hi Ikaros,

It sounds like you are still struggling with symptoms of HOCD, and the exposure techniques that you were taught are not helping much right now.

Are you still in therapy for this? If not, then perhaps you could set up an appointment to see the psychologist that you saw before to determine what would help you now. Sometimes people do make a lot of progess, as it sounds like you have, but then get stuck again. Unfortunately, it may never go away completely.

Are there other things you have tried to do to reduce your anxiety?

I encourage you to contact your mental health provider. He or she knows your history and may be able to help you get over this "stuck" point.

Hi Mrs Lane,

Thanks for the answer. No, right now I'm not in therapy anymore. I'm not living in my country for the moment and that makes it complicated to get help.

What i'm going to do is send an email to my former psychologist, he told me I can reach him whenever I need it... but the point is: I know what he is going to tell me. I know word for word what I'm going to hear.. this is what is desperating me.

In one month I'll be back in my country. I hope it gets better there. Things I do to reduce anxiety? minimizing meaning of everything, taking it easy, trying to have a relaxing and pleasent life, some sport (i'm very often ill lately, which keeps me from doing it on a regular basis)

Meanwhile the doubt gets deeper and deeper, and feels everyday more real.

When I was quite ok I laughed at the people who said this, but now it's me who's writing it: maybe yes, maybe I'm gay.

There is something maybe could help me... any suggestions for exposition? I run out of ideas, and as said, I turned them into checking.

Greetings, and thank you very much again for the answer.

If you already know what your former psychologist is going to tell you, and that makes you feel more desperate, then I encourage you to tell that to your psychologist when you contact him. The more information he has, the better he may be able to help you.

That being said, you may have reached an impasse in your treatment with him. Perhaps it is time to see someone else, and try a different approach.

As for ideas for exposure... Well, have you ever considered exploring these gay thoughts and feelings more directly? For example, have you ever gone to a gay bar or other social venue? Perhaps something more direct like that (if that doesn't provoke more anxiety than you can tolerate) would be helpful to you. Porn, photos, and movies don't seem to be helping at this point. This would be a big step, I realize. If you have a friend or other support person to go with you or be there for you, that would be a good idea if you feel the anxiety would be too much for you to do it alone.