So, I haven't written in a while. I started a few posts and then either fell asleep or gave up, lacking the energy and drive to continue. Lately the urge to "perfectly" capture the chaos in my head and my feelings about it has been strong. Strong enough to drive me away from writing. But I'm going to try to finish a post for once, whether or not it is the most perfectly accurate depiction of the inner workings of my mind.
Lately I have been feverishly applying to jobs, sending out resumes left and right, and scouring the internet for more possibilities. I've been going through a similar process in trying to find a new place to live. My lease is up at the end of May (though I may be able to stay for June, as well), so the question of where I will live (and where I can afford to live) has been weighing heavily on my mind. Meanwhile, I have drastically less work because my job is somewhat seasonal, and the combination of trying to find a new place to live, looking for additional part-time jobs to take on, and attempting to just plain figure out what I want to do with my life, has been stressful. This process has really made the reality of the opportunities I have sacrificed to OCD, and the amount of money I have spent on treatment, all the more apparent. It's kind of scary to step back and look at all that has happened.
Almost exactly this time two years ago, I was graduating from college. A few months later, I came unhinged and quickly delved deep into a new very vicious flare up of OCD. I thought, at that time, that it would be a matter of months, at most, before I was "normal" again. But then, I soon realized that far more of my life, and all the strange little things I had always done, were so strongly rooted in OCD, and I began this hard, strange, but also wonderful journey into learning about and fighting my OCD.
That said, I am again considering more intensive treatment. There is a hospital nearby that has a very well respected intensive outpatient program for OCD that my therapist has suggested I consider. It's just so hard to treat all my symptoms in week-to-week one-hour therapy visits. We tried an intensive treatment program tailored specifically to my needs by my treatment center, but ultimately that's not what they specialize in nor what they are optimally designed to deliver treatment-wise. So, I'm looking into getting intensive treatment from the people who specialize in doing just that. Not sure about it yet, but looking into it a bit and researching it as an option.
All in all, it's all a bit confusing for me. I am more functional than ever, but still not really progressing enough between my therapy appointments. I suppose the fact that I am unsure how to shower or brush my teeth in any sort of non-compulsive way without explicit step by step directions from my therapist is probably a sign of the severity of my OCD. I think it's just become more apparent lately. The more intensively and more rigorously we strip away my compulsions, the more apparent it becomes just how dependent on and glued to them I am.
