I believe I am mentally ill...

Hi OPalido,

I appreciate your courage for reaching out. I am happy to give you my thoughts, but please do not interpret anything I say as an official "diagnosis", because I don't have enough information, and as you said, would not attempt to do that without a face to face evaluation.

It does sound like you have been struggling with a variety of symptoms off and on for several years. The obsession with the number 3, preciseness, and the guilt about not remembering a passage and then reading it over and over are all typical symptoms of OCD. However, I can't say whether or not you meet the criteria for a diagnosis of OCD.

The other disorder that I think you may have is borderline personality disorder. Cutting on yourself, abrupt mood swings, "snapping" and getting angry easily, vengefulness, suicidal thoughts, and overreaction to your mother's perceived rejection (when she didn't want to hear your story) are typical symptoms of borderline personality disorder.

However, another possibility is bipolar disorder based on your description of being "VERY happy", staying up late for hours doing an activity, and that it lasts for a week or so. That could be mania or hypomania.

It's possible to have more than one disorder, or even all three. And, you may not meet the full criteria for any of them. Perhaps something else is going on that would better explain your symptoms.

Unfortunately, clinicians who are inexperienced or not thorough in their evaluation often misdiagnose both borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder (mistaking one for the other). I've seen it many times. It's a serious issue because the treatment is very different, so an accurate diagnosis is important.

Again, this is just my best educated guess based on the information you provided. You may want to do some reading on borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder to see if either of those sounds like what you are experiencing (or if both do). They are complex disorders and I'm not encouraging you to self-diagnose, but more information may give you more insight.

Ultimately, I hope you are able to have a face to face evaluation with an experienced psychologist or other mental health professional. Once that happens, the best course of treatment can be determined.

I hope this is helpful and wish you the best!

Thank you very much! Just so you know, the reason I can't see a mental health expert is because my parents are sceptics. Both of the agree mental health experts ALWAYS diagnose you with something because a new patient is a long-term source of income. This is of course nonsense.

You are very welcome. Perhaps you can have them read my initial response, as I have many years of experience and have nothing to gain by giving you my professional opinion.

While I wish I could say that every mental health professional is ethical and would never give a diagnosis just for the sake of receiving income, I'm sure that does happen - occasionally - just as with all professionals - mechanics, medical doctors, and so on.

But, most are very ethical and will not do that - they can lose their license and damage their reputation if they engage in such practices, not to mention do a lot of harm to you and anyone else they evaluate or treat.

Are you parents aware that you sometimes cut on yourself, experience mood swings (the ones you describe are NOT normal - even for a teenager), and have thoughts of suicide? If they are and if they truly care about your well-being (and safety!) then they would want you to get the help you need. Mood swings, self-mutilation, and suicidal thoughts should all be taken seriously, as should the obsessive thoughts and other issues you mentioned.

I hope this helps and I hope your parents will reconsider. I do genuinely understand their skepticism, but I hope they can find a reputable mental health professional - someone they feel they can trust - to evaluate you and recommend the best course of treatment.

I know I am wasting a lot of your time. Sorry.

I just wanted to say that I told my mother ONLY of the mood swings. I am to ashamed about the suicidal thoughts and I don't cut myself any more. All I do now when I am angry at myself for whatever reason, I would bite myself lightly. I feel pain but I don't even bruise myself. I am also trying to control this, but it's not easy.

I actually forgot to mention two things which are maybe important. I bite my nails. Very normal, I know. The other thing is probably more significant. When I was really young, probably about 3-4, I apparently often told my parents that I wish I was dead when they scolded me. I'm not sure if all kids did that.

I also remember that in primary school, I used to do things I saw on television. I remember watching a soap where a woman's medicine gets changed by a woman who wants to sabotage her and she gets more ill. I then started taking and destroying a FRIEND'S pens to see what effect it would have on them. Luckily this didn't last. It was very bad but I felt only minor guilt. Now I am older, I know it's bad and even if I wanted to do stuff like this, I would feel too guilty. I am also not affected by television any more.

One last thing: My aunt passed away before I knew her well, but according to my father she had an obsession with germs. Apparently she wiped door knobs and eating utensils before using them.

Sorry for wasting your time!

You are not wasting my time - no need to apologize. I'm here to answer questions.

I understand why you don't feel comfortable telling your mother everything. As for the other things you mentioned, it is a healthy sign that you would feel too guilty to do those types of things now.

As for your aunt, those definitely sound like symptoms of OCD.