help 30 year old husband and father

Dr. Lane,
I will try to keep this as brief as possible as it has been a long 9 months. Married 7 yrs to my high school sweetheart, 30 yrs old, 2 children, 4 and 2, 3 yrs ago had very emotional affair with a lot of physical as well, didn't go all the way, mistress found out about wife being pregnant, and ended it, for 2 years, became very obsessed with having her back, called, stopped by house, started working out, dressing nicer, seeing her at her work place, thought I was in love, began masturbating to a lot of pornography mostly centered around women like her, but looked at all kinds, even homosexual porn, had a lot of emotional no physical affairs with multiple women over those 2 years, then 9 months ago had major surgery, mistress from 2 years before who I was obsessed with called out of the blue, scared me that she may be wanting to spill the beans per say, and was in a lot of pain, wife was taking care of me, and got extremely guilty with culmination of confessing about affair, 3-4 weeks go by, sex is great, feel like we are closer and closer to God, and then become phobic about all the things and details of everything bad I had done, and began confessing things daily until I had nothing left to confess, recalled the porn and confessed it, and recalled a night at a bar that I had a man checking me out and was so vain I laughed about it and had a image and blew it off, and went on with the night eventually taking a woman home that evening, suddenly had the thought, I didn't want to be an adulterer, and don't want to be gay, could I be gay, got scared to death, and very phobic, all males began to make anxious, had intrusive thoughts from there on, went on 100 mg of Anafranil and felt slightly better other than lack of orgasm, walked off meds had a nervous break, went to hospital and stayed for 4 days at mental health unit, came out started with psychologist and started me on lexapro and valium, meds didn't help a lot, jept picturing image and getting gag sensation of me sucking a penis when checking women out and always around men, went off thse meds and back to 50 mg of Anafranil 14 days ago after being on Lexapro for 3 months 15 mg, now at times I feel slightly better around some people, have lost libido, and lost desire for wife some because no interest, some bc frustration, some bc of anxiety over thoughts, can try real hard on a good day and focus on fantasy with woman, but hard to do, enjoy if I do, still phobic around certain guys, young, single, possibly gay, possibly not, feminine or people I have a thought could be gay or have tendencies I guess and have like a mental block where can't say in my head that I don't want to be with, when I focus on fantasy with them I become disgusted, if thought just comes at random I sometimes will feel like I am excited and thought rumination has gotten slightly better, but now mind says I enjoy and miss thoughts, and feel like I get excited or have a happy feeling when I have to be around these people or that I may be aroused, then if I really stop and think about the thought I become disgusted and panicky that I really do like and am becoming gay, but it feels real, and feels like my attraction for women is gone, mind says I miss the thoughts then because they are something sexual and exciting, then if I really think on it I become upset and want to cry, it is almost like emotional confusion in my brain and interpretation of themm is different than my old what I feel is true self, I became infatuated with pursuit of woman and teasing them and being sex object, now will feel like I have those same thoughts around men now, but it upsets me if I really think on it, whave a hard time bathing son will have thoughts, not with daughter, and will have sexual thoughts with her, but doesn't scare me as much bc that feels more normal and wouldn't do anything, when I get thoughts of son though I get angry and short and upset, will freeze if thoughts come in head and will think do I enjoy them r they gonna keep coming why did they come, r they good looking, who is it, why, and then will ruminate on it until I think I am surely gay and then become scared, have at times met women and called or emailed women from past until I feel guilty and confess to wife and then start the cycle again, will get better at night at times when I say I am not gay especially if I drink, which for a while was drinking 8-12 beers a day, now try to stick to 2-4, yesterday was 8 again, will say of course I don't want to have sex with them, but then will say hell don't want to have sex with wife either and will get upset again, will try to fantasize about women as I fall asleep, sometimes I can, some I can't, same men at work always cause same spikes, any new guy I see will start to say he's sexy, he's good looking, thought comes immediately, whereas a woman I will evaluate what I do or do not like about which will distress me because I used to not be picky at all, I feel terrible, at times will get aroused with wife, and will say he look no thoughts, and there the thoughts come and will try to ignore but then I feel like I am truly kissing a man and can't get it out of head and enjoying until I stop and get distressed, then I get scared again or will get a thought of male if I feel like I am not enjoying it, or if I am right before ejactulation may picture a male doing it, and wil ask wife to stop, very distrssing, sometimes I say I am not gay, sometimes I say bi, sometimes I am homo, its like I have gay days and not gay days, depends on how many hot women I saw that day vs how many men I had thoughts on, keep in mind, wife is a knockout, mistress and all the other women would be considered strong 8-10's on a 1-10 scale, beautiful, highly sexual and seductive women, I am scared to death and depressed most days, and scared I have turned gay and lost desire for women now, please help