Dear Dr. Lane,
I am a female in my twenties. I constantly wonder if I am straight, bisexual or gay. These those have been confusing and riddling me for years. It has caused me deep anxiety and has made me anxious in my current relationship.
To begin, let me explain my history. I think my HOCD started by comparing other girl’s bodies to my own. I remember when I was younger I would check other girls out, wishing I had their body types. I would say "Am I as pretty as her?" or "What would a man feel like if I looked like her?". These are jealous thoughts. One day, when I was approximately thirteen years old I became aroused by looking at another girl. This DEEPLY troubled me. I had become severely depressed and confused. I had a deep crush on a boy the year prior ... I would constantly wonder why and how this is happening. I would question, "Am I turning gay?". I remember wondering if people thought I was gay, or if my constant checking would make people suspect I am gay. I questioned whether other people were teasing be because of it.
Since this initial episode, I have continued to wonder whether or not I am straight. These "gronial responses" seemed to have subsided for a brief period of time. However, they reoccured (a while past) and have been taunting me ever since.
I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful man whom I love deeply. Since our relationship is serious, my symptoms have worsened. I have been in a relationship with two other men. I do experience sexual pleasure from my relationship. My thoughts as to whether I am gay or not come on more strongly when I'm in a relationship with someone. I am very afraid that my thoughts will lead me to losing my current boyfriend (and these thoughts have concerned me with prior boyfriends in the past). This causes me great distress, and has affected the quality of my relationship. I will sometimes wake up anxious. I'm anxious that I'm "living a lie".
I wouldn't be so worried about being gay if I didn't receive these gronial responses. This is what bothers me the most, and I wish they would go away. Whenever they occur, it is followed by sadness and confusion. I do not want to be with a woman. When I think about being with a woman it does not seem ideal. However, I am constantly checking myself to see if I DO find a woman attractive. Thoughts in my head are "do you find her attractive" or I’ll check myself “how would you like to have sex with her”. Or, I may question "do you really want to be with a woman". I also question my attraction to my boyfriend. "Are you really attracted to him" "do you really find a relationship with a man satisfying?". I test my attraction to both men and women.
I do have gronial responses to female porn, however, not with two lesbians/bisexuals performing with each other. The responses I get are only with a single female. I sometimes check my responses with both straight and lesbian porn.
The gronial responses I do receive from females are different from the arousal I receive from men. I will usually blush, become shy or “get the butterflies” when I interact with an attractive men. I appreciate the response that I get. However, the gronial response I receive from females not accompanied by pleasant thoughts or feelings. The sensation is different. If I have to interact with an attractive female I become nervous that I will have a "gronial response" or somehow have a response that indicates I'm attracted to her. If I see an attractive female, I will look at her parts and sometimes get a gronial response. I am confused if it’s because I find her pleasurable to look at, or if it’s OCD. I now somewhat feel desensitized to the issue, and instead just causes me to become angry.
Sometimes, when I'm half awake I will experience mental images of a woman’s body parts. This also causes me great distress. Perhaps I'm a bisexual with HOCD? I have had fantasies of men as well. 24/7 I’m pretty much wondering if I’m a lesbian, bisexual or straight.
An immediate family member of mine does suffer from severe OCD, which gives me some faith and reassurance that this is in fact HOCD. However, I sometimes doubt that I have HOCD and wonder if I’m in denial.
I have other OCD related thoughts (aside from HOCD). I also suffer from anxiety. I have seen a therapist in the past for my anxiety, not OCD.
What's your thoughts? Do I have HOCD or am I in denial? What does this sound like to you?
Thank You for your time reading and your response,
Sincerely,
-Very Confused
