Hello,
I am a man in his early twenties and I believe I may be suffering from HOCD. During my childhood I had a couple of crushes on girls from my school as well as attractions to women on TV and in movies. I have been fantasizing to thoughts both sexual and romantic about women since I was 7 or 8 maybe so I always presumed myself straight. I've think I have had OCD since around that time as well. For a long time I have struggled with intrusive thoughts involving bad things happening to my family which I cancel out with a mental phrase I say in my head or whisper under my breath. I have had uncomfortable sexual thoughts about family as well and a big one I struggle with is feeling like I have the urge to shout something inappropriate during conversations. When the conversation is over I will worry "what if I did say it?" even though I know I have not. I have trouble with making sure the stove is switched off correctly. I check it is then as I am walking away I get thoughts like "but how can you be sure you seen it was switched off?" and I'll go back and check several times. I also check my bag and pockets to make sure I have not lost anything important several times if I am going out somewhere. I also worry about irrational things like for example if a stranger accidentally touches me I get thoughts like "what if I caught HIV from them?". This happened once on a bus after a lady accidentally brushed against me as she was getting off the bus. I have fears about contamination especially when it comes to raw meat and eggs. I wash my hands several times as well as clean the surfaces. I won't touch the garbage incase I get contaminated so I use my foot instead to throw things away. I have washed my hands so much I have made them bleed. I have had all kinds of obsessions about various illness over the years including HIV, cancer, diabetes. All of which I was posative I had but turned out I never. I tend to get really anxious and say "but what if?!" about all kinds of situations that turn out to be nothing but I still ruminate for hours over it. I ask family and friends for reassurance constantly.
I have had the fear of being a homosexual on and off since my early teenage years. I always masturbated to thoughts of women during this time. I never had any gay fantasies. When i was about 17 I felt a strong desire to be in a relationship with a woman and would cuddle my pillow at night and imagine it was a girl which made me feel happy.
I have a girlfriend now and when we are intimate I always get an erection. I do get turned on by her easily. I have tried watching gay porn and masturbating to it but I find it difficult to get an erection to it even with stimulation. If I arouse myself with straight porn then switch to watching gay porn I tend to lose my erection. I have tried fantasizing about men as well while masturbating and I still find it impossible to get an erection. If I get one thinking about a woman I lose it quickly when I think about a man. My OCD tells me I am blocking my erection because I am scared to be gay but I have tried calming myself down and telling myself it's ok if I get aroused to it but still I can't get an erection.
This obsession is pretty much fueled by my past admirations for men. If I liked a particular actor because he was handsome, funny, witty etc I worry that it was a homosexual attraction but like I said before I never had any fantasies about them. I used to try and copy them and be more like them.
Ever since this obsession started as well I've been noticing attractive men everywhere and when I see a good looking face I get a feeling that feels like attraction but not like I remember crushes on girls. It makes me feel sick to my stomach with anxiety. What worries me is before HOCD I used to think some men were attractive I just never worried about it. I saw a man on TV last night and it felt like I am completely over noticing his attractiveness and I have been depressed ever since. I have pretty much convinced myself I am at least bisexual but I am blocking my desires and erections for men. It has driven me to the point of feeling suicidal because I don't want to be gay or bisexual. Anytime I convince myself I am I go in to deep depressions and feel anxious all day. I have felt attracted to all sorts of men, even men who some people would not find attractive but mostly good looking men. Is it possible I am blocking my arousals to them and have trained myself to be aroused to women? If I notice attractive men and feel attracted even if that attraction causes me horrible feelings of anxiety and dread then surely I am at least bisexual? Thats what my OCD tells me everyday but my body seems naturally inclined to be only aroused to women. I am so confused and terrified I will lose my girlfriend to being gay :(
Sorry if this is too long. I am literally thinking about this every hour of the day and it's killing me inside. I spend hours researching on the internet and asking people for reassurance as well as testing myself to porn. Yesterday I watched gay porn for hours and tried to make myself aroused but never managed to and I spent about an hour this morning thinking about sexual scenarios with the man from TV I thought I had a crush on. No erection as usual then I thought of women and it was easy. People keep telling me if I was bisexual I would be aroused by both genders but my OCD tells me appreciating another man is attractive makes me gay/bi.
HELP!
