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Worried about turning gay/doubting my sexuality
This post is gonna be kinda long. Sorry but need some answers. A little background, I have been GAD since 1999 I was 8 and am now 20. Anyways about 2 months ago I started worrying I might turn gay or have been gay my whole life and am now just realizing it.
Ever since I was very young, I have always been attracted to every aspect of a women, I have had numerous girlfriends and crushes on girls. All I have ever wanted was a beautiful caring loving girl friend or wife. I have always been straight and only wanted to be with girls, never doubted my sexuality up until about 2 months ago.
I was eating dinner and this thought popped into my head. "What if I'm gay" I started thinking about itso much I terrified myself. I have been constantly checking, thinking to myself I'm gay. It scares me because I don't want to be gay. I have always loved women and want to be with women. I do have a serious relationship with a girl. These thoughts started after I got with her, when I'm around her or talking to her, all these thoughts vanish and I'm aroused and turned on and am totally in love with her. I enjoy our sex life and don't worry I might turn gay. Somedays I don't worry about it at all. I almost feel like I don't have the same affection to girls anymore, I find myself not constantly checking out girls anymore, probably because I have a girlfriend and I'm in love, so the question I guess is, am I secretly gay and just don't know it yet, or is this HOCD. Im so sick of worrying about it and worrying I'm turning gay, I have always liked women and was happy, now I'm a wreck. Someone give me an answer please HOCD or am I turning homosexual.
By the way just wanna say I don't have a problem with gay people I don't bash them or put them down, being gay just doesn't appeal to me.
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Hi Cody, I'm a little
Hi Cody,
I'm a little confused, because at one point in your post you say "don't worry I might turn gay" and then you later say that you're a "wreck" and "worrying I'm turning gay". I assume you meant that you don't worry about it only when you're with your girlfriend.
AS I read through you post, it does sound like symptoms of HOCD rather than you being or "turning" gay. You didn't say anything that suggests you have ever been romantically or sexually attracted to males.
The best treatment for HOCD is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It helps you manage (and in some cases, overcome) the obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. If you are able to work with a therapist who is trained in CBT, and who has experience treating OCD, that would be ideal.
I hope this helps!
Dr. Lane
Thank you. Sorry for the
Thank you. Sorry for the confusion. Somedays I don't worry about it at all, because I am distracted and don't think about it. Then whenever I dive into my mind I start thinking about the HOCD. I have never been sexually or romantically involved with a man. I have always been attracted to women. Up until this HOCD started I never questioned myself, now it's like my mind is trying to trick me. When I'm around my friends these feelings go away. Cause I'm distracted. When I'm around my girl I love her and love being around her.
It's like, deep down inside I know I'm not gay, I know I love every aspect of women, I KNOW my brain is just tricking me, making me think too much, making me question things that I know are not true, I know I'm having this because of my anxiety, not because I'm actually gay, but my mind won't shut off when I analyze myself too much, it's a curse and a blessing, I tend to think way too much about positive things and negative things. I just want this HOCD to stop, this is stupidest thing I have ever battled, I went through this a coupe of years ago for like a day or two, It went away cause I just quit thinking about it or other worries came up, I'm determind to beat this, I have told my parents, my friends, my girl friend, I want to go to a psychologist or someone that can help me, cause I worry about HOCD, always worried about contracting cancer and dying, think I have a tad bit of social anxiety, I need help and want help but have no money. Please Dr. lane write me back, help me through this HOCD, if you need more info im willing to give it, I just wanna know this HOCD. Even though I know it is. Thank you.
Cody, If you don't have any
Cody,
If you don't have any money, you might qualify for services through a local mental health agency, or find a therapist who will see you on a sliding scale.
Unfortunately, I am not able to provide therapy for you here - that is far beyond the scope of my role here as well as what I can do via this venue.
One thing you might consider is looking into one of several self-help books on OCD (HOCD is just one type of OCD - the dynamics are the same). It will take a lot of work on your part, but if you're committed to getting better, that might be helpful.
Dr. Lane