My spouse has a problem lusting/staring at women even though this is causing problems in our marriage. He recently confessed to having an affair and he has a history of porn "addiction" Is this an obsession or what?

Dear friend,

It is not uncommon for men to look at other women. Men are very visually oriented and will tend to admire beautiful bodies. Annoying as this may be, this in and of itself should not be cause for alarm. The other concerns you mention however are much more serious. The porn addiction and affairs are an indication of a serious problem. I would not call this an obsession in the clinical sense. I might call it an addiction of sorts. Your husband is using sexual feelings as a way to cope with other uncomfortable emotions that he does not know how to express in a healthy way. I recommend that he seek treatment with a specialist in pornography addiction. If he does not get help you should expect his behavior to continue. Complaining, arguing or reasoning with him will not be sufficient to get him to stop.

Best of luck,
Dr. Williams

Before my husband and I married he admitted that he had OCD. When he was young he had compulsions to complete acts or "something bad would happen". Even now, when taking sips of water sometimes something doesn't feel right and he will have to repeat the act until it "feels okay". He admitted to having unwanted sexual thoughts earlier in life. A few years before we met he was viewing porn regularly and started using prostitutes. He admitted to having cheated on me in order to have sex. We went to counseling and he is committed to the relationship, and states he has never turned back to old behavior. He made an agreement in front of the counselor that if he watches porn or has sex with a prostitue (or other) he must tell me within two hours. However, when we are in public he has a constant "looking problem". It has disturbed me to the point that complete healing (from the cheating and other behaviors) can't take place. I am beside myself. I have told him I think it is related to the OCD, but he claims he is not even aware of it. Other times he says if he is diligent of being aware of "looking" in every moment he can control it, but any distraction will make him forget and go right back to it. It is sad to him because he feels that no matter how well he does there will always be something I am not happy with, and he really has worked hard to deal with his compulsions. The problem for me is that I have started to dread going places with him. We both like to go to the gym, and to travel, and I am losing my joy in doing so because of the constant, repeated glances at other women. I explained it might be normal to look at beautiful people, but many, continual glances are not normal (and not respectful to me). We are married now and many aspects of the marriage are quite wonderful, connecting, intimate and joyful. We both want this relationship to work. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.

Hi LittleMrsBuddha,

The situation with your marriage sounds pretty complex. The dilemma is how much of his behavior is truly OCD or some other underlying issue. With his history of cheating, seeing prostitutes, and watching porn, I suspect there is more going on than OCD. None of those are typical "ritualistic" behaviors that are part of OCD - rather, they are all behaviors that involve definite choice on the part of the person doing them.

Granted, the case could be made that he felt "compelled" to do them to offset the anxiety from the intrusive sexual thoughts, but that is not the usual pattern for true OCD.

I mention that because his "looking" behavior may not really be due to OCD. Of course, I don't know him and have only the little bit of information you have provided, but some things here just don't add up. That being said, please don't assume the worst. I think this is best explored with a very skilled, experienced therapist.

As this is starting to threaten your marriage (based on what you describe) I strongly recommend that you see a therapist together. I think it would be beneficial for a therapist to look at your husband's entire history (the cheating, etc), as well as explore the underlying issues in your marriage (e.g., his feeling that you will always be unhappy about something).

I hope this helps and I wish you the best.