Although lately, I've completely gotten sucked back into the vortex. Tonight was bad because I read something on the internet where an actress says "I know for a fact that 90% of people in Hollywood are gay!!" - and it was like someone dipped my hands into an ice bath.
2 hours before, I was at dinner with my parents and my girlfriend...I started getting sweaty and my eyes filled up with tears. Right in the middle of the restaurant. My brain started screaming "you're only nervous because you can't come out to your parents about your homosexuality! That's why you're upset!!"
I was convinced through the rest of the meal that mom thought I was gay. I wouldn't make eye contact with her because I was afraid she'd see into my soul and sense my true gay nature.
My brain comes up with new scenarios, new thoughts, new ideas, new "what ifs..." all the time again.
My parents know about what's going on, but now I'm paranoid that they think I'm gay. So my brain starts screaming to me: "see, people who are REALLY gay worry about what their parents think and know - which is what you're doing because you're gay."
If I worry about what people think, even random people on the street, my brain tells me it's because I'm afraid of people knowing I'm TRULY gay.
Sometimes I'm even afraid to shower because I'm afraid if I look in the mirror at my naked body without seeing my face, I'll get aroused.
I'm afraid to workout because I'm afraid I'll see my nicely toned body and become aroused.
I'm afraid to go to behavior therapy because I'm terrified that I'll become aroused or this will somehow bring me out of the closet and out of denial.
Something that's even more sick....tonight I was looking at my OWN MOTHER and thinking to myself "that's how a woman looks at the age of 52. Could I ever be attracted to that? I don't know! I mean, maybe I only think I'm straight now because I have a young, sexy girlfriend which is more about eroticism than love and sexuality. And when I'm older and married, I'll find I'm no longer attracted and will start seeking out my true gay desires!" Then I realized I was using my OWN MOTHER as some kind of measuring stick with all of this.
I even did it with my dad a few weeks ago. Wondering if he was gay and passed the gene down to me. Later, I forced myself to imagine if he wasn't my dad and then imagined if I could be attracted to him. MY OWN FATHER. WTF?!?!?!
My brain is hung up on the idea of fantasies. I mean, if occasional fantasies and erections don't indicate what one desires sexually - then what does??? If picturing a naked male doesn't make me gay, than picturing a naked female doesn't make me straight, right? Even now, I'm afraid someone is going to retort with "yeah, but you FANTASISE about one...not the other!" and then I'll scrutinize whether or not I've fantasied or just had an image and ultimately panic because of it.
When I talk now, it sounds like I'm using more lisp sounds than I ever did. I'm starting to think my voice sounds like a gay persons.
I don't even know why I'm bothering to type what I worry about, because it's not like if someone reassures me the good feeling will last. Although if I'm honest with myself, that's the only reason I'm posting: because I really want someone to itemize my post and respond to each and every thing I listed with convincing evidence that those things DO NOT make me gay.
But, what I posted is maybe .0001% of the total thoughts I've had that might indicate I am gay. If I listed every thought I had, the post would be several thousand pages at least. I'm not embellishing that at all, either. I'm serious.
I start my exposure therapy next week along with meds.
But I'm starting to think I'm schizophrenic.
I'm also starting to have religious hangups.
But my brain tells me that all of this...EVERYTHING...every post, thought, idea, fear, emotion...is nothing more than a very elaborate denial scheme that I'm doing because I'm smart enough to pull it off.
I don't want to be gay, though.
I'm not gay.
I thought about holding some guys face in my hands and saying "I love you" and shedding emotional tears...just like I've done with my current girlfriend. And it feels so....awkward and strange and...foreign that it makes me stomach feel...unpleasant. But I've craved doing that with a female since I was a teen. But my brain still tells me I'm gay.
I've never, EVER, met one male in real life where, later, I fantasied about sexually or emotionally. Not one. I won't lie and say that I haven't had fantasies about being a female and having sexual power over males...but that was only a couple of times. But in reality, I have no desire to fantasize about males...although my brain forces me to do it in order to see how I feel. But I meet lots of females where...there's a powerfull urge that arises in me to ... make them "mine" sexually. Like there's some primal instinct that makes me want to accumulate a large female harem and kill other males. Not that I actually act out on that or anything. Maybe that's a warped view of sexuality but I'm perfectly fine with it as long as it's involving females in my harem...and not males.
Through all of this, there's been a deep, undeniable gut feeling of heterosexuality. I can't really explain it, but i tried to above. It doesn't feel like the OCD fits.
When I think about a voluptous, smart, sexy female...I WANT to act out. I WANT to feel her waist, her hips...I want to see the expression on her face when she's having sexual pleasure. I want to indulge myself in her body and make her know that she's MINE. That I accept her body as a cherished gift as long as she knows that it's ME she's giving the gift to and she has a healthy submission about it.
When I think about some hot, football playing stud...I DON'T WANT to act out on it. My brain slams me over and over and over trying to convince me I do, but I never go "damn, yeah, I WISH he'd come over and let me do such and such...". I only start to feel panicked and anxious because I can't tell what I do and don't feel.
OCD is the WORST. Seriously.
Ehhh....ah well. I'm trying to remember what I feel like on the good days.
And, although I'm terrified of my behavior therapy, I kind of welcome the anxiety because I know it's going to help me get better. (my brain just told me it's because I'm really eager to be exposed to gay material and get used to the idea of being aroused so that I can come out of the closet. Now it's telling me that this idea feels good and true...and I should get used to it. AHHHHH!!!)
whatever. I'll keep fighting if you guys do!! :)
How's everyone else doing? Ryan? Ligeia? Ken? everyone else?
BTW - extra special thanks to "John16's mom"!! I feel like she's the team captain or something. :) This board definately wouldn't be as focused and healthy if it weren't for her.
Take it easy!