PLEASE READ.IT'S BECOMING UNBEARABLE..


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Posted by LIGEIA on May 17, 2002:
I was not a normal child. I had obsessions about dying of appendicitis or other diseaseas that I could create in my mind. I remember sitting on my bed, looking at my room for the last time,crying, cause I was sure I was going to die in a few days. Once, I thought I was a messenger of the antichrist. I had found a small shape on the right little finger of my arm which looked like an x. That was the proof. I had something to do with the antichrist. I got over it, though. I remember «touching» and «fixing» things like door knobs, shoes, door rugs, curtains, switches, dolls…I also count. I count steps, tiles of the pavements and the last few years I count the words of the signs that I see on the street and the words of the subtitles when I watch a movie. Strange? To me is as usual and automatical, as breathing is… I used to beg my sister to tell me good night for 3 times. When she did that, I had to answer good night. If she spoke after this, she would have to repeat the process, otherwise I could not sleep. Most of the times, she was too tired to do it again. She tought I was being stupid and told me to fall asleep. Sometimes I went out with my parents. When we were back, I had to fix every single door rug of the apartments on our floor. My parents let me do it, while they were smiling…They didn’t know why I was doing this. I didn’t either. When my mom was late from work, I thought she was raped or had a car accident I then started to make scenarios of how my life would be without her. I could «see», every single detail of my life, until I heard her key on the door.
I never had big problems with these things, until the age of 15. One day while I was travelling with my mother, I saw a woman looking at me very strange from her seat. That’s it I thought. I am a lesbian. I never had any relationships at that age, but I remember having crushes on boys, even at the elementary school. What was that all about now? I told my parents. They said it was ok if I was a lesbian. I didn’t like hearing that. I was very depressed for more than a year. We went to a psychiatrist who said that I am insecure like every girl at my age and I will overcome this obsessions when I grow up. He gave me some pills made of natural stuff, as he said, just in case I need them. I never took them. I felt completely helpless. I was absolutely 100% sure that I was a lesbian. I thought I would never get over it. I could not sleep. I could not eat. I was sitting on my bed, crying, suffering, feeling physical and mental pain. Every thought seemed so fucking real. I thought I had to commit suicide. I had no other way to escape from this. Finally I made a vow to one of our saints. Whenever the thoughts came back I said to my self: a miracle is possible. He will save you.
I managed to forget the obsessions completely. I could not believe it. I looked back at the awful moments I had been through and laughed at myself. How could I ever have thought I was a lesbian? I used to laugh with my friends about that. I thought it was over.I thought that I would never have to live that again…I lived happily for 7 years. Had sex with men, fallen in love…I was confident. I could watch a lesbian movie. I even thought that maybe in my life, I might have the chance to experience lesbian sex. I have read somewhere that lesbian sex is the number one fantasy of many women on the planet.
Last February, on Valentines Day, I was very sad. I felt very alone. I wanted a boyfriend who would be there for me. After a few days, I met my present boyfriend. I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Loving, caring, sensitive…everything that I had ever dreamed of. I fell instantly in love with him. Few weeks after we met, the lesbian fears came back, out of nowhere. I said no. It is not possible. Not again. I told him. He was very upset, until I gave him to read some stuff about OCD. He is there for me…but I am not there for me…The thougths are very, very real. They are transformed into feelings and impulses. I can not stand all that screaming…especially when I am with my boyfriend. The voices ruin all the moments, feelings and memories that I have of him. How can I possibly live as a lesbian? Even if I am, I don’t want it. I want to be a normal, happy woman. Just like I used to be. I want to give to my boyfriend, the love that he deserves. Why does this happen again? What have I done to deserve it? I have lost my faith in God. When I try to say , please help me , my mind answers:cut the bullshit. You are a lesbian. Just admit it and go on with your life. And then I answer:ok. Do that. And then I panic cause the real me screams:what are you doing?you don’t have to accept anything. It just doesn’t feel right…I can not imagine my life without my boyfriend. I want to live happy with him. He wants to marry me.I wonder if I will ever make it. I think of suicide every day. I will either live as a normal woman or die. I just hope I will find the power to kill myself as soon as I accept all the things my mind is screaming at me… I hope someone outhere can tell me, that I suffer from a terrible mental disease..cause I don’t believe that anymore…I am 22 now and I don’t think I can live with the thoughts anymore…PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME…




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