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Posted by mercy on May 17, 2002:
In Reply to: PLEASE READ.IT'S BECOMING UNBEARABLE.. posted by LIGEIA on May 17, 2002:

I am also a 22 yr old female, my thoughts are terrible, read some of my previous posts. I am afraid to be around kids not that I would do anything I know I wouldnt but what if I convince myself that I had and this is my awful fear that I must deal with. But with God I can face this and realize that I have obsessive compulsive disorder a very real illness and I thank God that he led me to a great therapist and dr who have put me on medicine and started therapy. Dont be embarressed go find a dr who knows ocd and get the help you deserve. Your life is a precious thing God doesnt want you to suffer and he doesnt want you to kill yourself. You are someone aside from a horrible disorder you have things to offer.
Read Brainlock by Jeffrey M.Schwartz,M.D.

Things do get better when you just keep on living and getting through keep praying.Godis a rewarder of those who dilligently seek him.
The book will help you to see that you are not this disorder you are you and this disorder can bring these terrible thoughts.

 I was not a normal child. I had obsessions about dying of appendicitis or other diseaseas that I could create in my mind. I remember sitting on my bed, looking at my room for the last time,crying, cause I was sure I was going to die in a few days. Once, I thought I was a messenger of the antichrist. I had found a small shape on the right little finger of my arm which looked like an x. That was the proof. I had something to do with the antichrist. I got over it, though. I remember «touching» and «fixing» things like door knobs, shoes, door rugs, curtains, switches, dolls…I also count. I count steps, tiles of the pavements and the last few years I count the words of the signs that I see on the street and the words of the subtitles when I watch a movie. Strange? To me is as usual and automatical, as breathing is… I used to beg my sister to tell me good night for 3 times. When she did that, I had to answer good night. If she spoke after this, she would have to repeat the process, otherwise I could not sleep. Most of the times, she was too tired to do it again. She tought I was being stupid and told me to fall asleep. Sometimes I went out with my parents. When we were back, I had to fix every single door rug of the apartments on our floor. My parents let me do it, while they were smiling…They didn’t know why I was doing this. I didn’t either. When my mom was late from work, I thought she was raped or had a car accident I then started to make scenarios of how my life would be without her. I could «see», every single detail of my life, until I heard her key on the door.
>>  I never had big problems with these things, until the age of 15. One day while I was travelling with my mother, I saw a woman looking at me very strange from her seat. That’s it I thought. I am a lesbian. I never had any relationships at that age, but I remember having crushes on boys, even at the elementary school. What was that all about now? I told my parents. They said it was ok if I was a lesbian. I didn’t like hearing that. I was very depressed for more than a year. We went to a psychiatrist who said that I am insecure like every girl at my age and I will overcome this obsessions when I grow up. He gave me some pills made of natural stuff, as he said, just in case I need them. I never took them. I felt completely helpless. I was absolutely 100% sure that I was a lesbian. I thought I would never get over it. I could not sleep. I could not eat. I was sitting on my bed, crying, suffering, feeling physical and mental pain. Every thought seemed so fucking real. I thought I had to commit suicide. I had no other way to escape from this. Finally I made a vow to one of our saints. Whenever the thoughts came back I said to my self: a miracle is possible. He will save you.
>>   I managed to forget the obsessions completely. I could not believe it. I looked back at the awful moments I had been through and laughed at myself. How could I ever have thought I was a lesbian? I used to laugh with my friends about that. I thought it was over.I thought that I would never have to live that again…I lived happily for 7 years. Had sex with men, fallen in love…I was confident. I could watch a lesbian movie. I even thought that maybe in my life, I might have the chance to experience lesbian sex. I have read somewhere that lesbian sex is the number one fantasy of many women on the planet.
>>  Last February, on Valentines Day, I was very sad. I felt very alone. I wanted a boyfriend who would be there for me. After a few days, I met my present boyfriend. I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Loving, caring, sensitive…everything that I had ever dreamed of. I fell instantly in love with him. Few weeks after we met, the lesbian fears came back, out of nowhere. I said no. It is not possible. Not again. I told him. He was very upset, until I gave him to read some stuff about OCD. He is there for me…but I am not there for me…The thougths are very, very real. They are transformed into feelings and impulses. I can not stand all that screaming…especially when I am with my boyfriend. The voices ruin all the moments, feelings and memories that I have of him. How can I possibly live as a lesbian? Even if I am, I don’t want it. I want to be a normal, happy woman. Just like I used to be. I want to give to my boyfriend, the love that he deserves. Why does this happen again? What have I done to deserve it? I have lost my faith in God. When I try to say , please help me , my mind answers:cut the bullshit. You are a lesbian. Just admit it and go on with your life. And then I answer:ok. Do that. And then I panic cause the real me screams:what are you doing?you don’t have to accept anything. It just doesn’t feel right…I can not imagine my life without my boyfriend. I want to live happy with him. He wants to marry me.I wonder if I will ever make it. I think of suicide every day. I will either live as a normal woman or die. I just hope I will find the power to kill myself as soon as I accept all the things my mind is screaming at me… I hope someone outhere can tell me, that I suffer from a terrible mental disease..cause I don’t believe that anymore…I am 22 now and I don’t think I can live with the thoughts anymore…PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME…

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