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I'm mostly depressed in my life and I'm falling in love with a wrong girl. what to do?

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I'm depressed, and I talk to

I'm depressed, and I talk to a girl online, I've known her online for about 6 months, for the last 3/4 months we've been talking like every single day, we talk for hours and hours about everything, we have a lot in common and we both enjoy the conversations.

the problem is that I only know her online, and she's from the US and I'm from a middle-eastern country, and the last problem is that she's 16 and I'm 23.

I know that it's wrong but I'm falling in love with her, and I'm really broken because of it, I can't find a way to get over her, and I don't want to lose her as a friend.

what should I do?

Dado-eyad, This is a

This is a complicated situation. Feelings of love (or, more likely, infatuation) don't just go away easily. I commend you for recognizing the inherent problems with this online relationship.

I don't know if by "talking" every day you mean via email or some type of messaging, or actual verbal conversations by phone or Skype. Keep in mind, that when two people get to know each other online but have never met, it is very easy to idealize each other - ie, put each other on a pedastal.

What I am saying is, you are most likely falling in love with an idealized image of this young girl. That is not the same as falling in love with her. You've never even met her. I suspect you are infatuated with the idea of who she is, rather than truly falling in love. But either way, those are powerful feelings.

The age difference is significant - it may be only 7 years but she is a teenager, and you are an adult. You are in two very different places in your life. Also, you live half way around the world from each other, and have very different cultural backgrounds. Could things work out down the road should you meet at some point? Possibly...but, the odds are not in your favor.

Your feelings are not going to diminish overnight. But, there are a few things I recommend (if you really want to nip this in the bud and make it a friendship only):

Take a break from communicating for awhile (which is going to be very hard) - or at least significantly limit your communication to only once a week or so. If you continue spending this much time communicating, your feelings are only going to get stronger.

Also, be up front with her. If she also has strong feelings for you, as the adult you need to be the one to make it clear that, despite your feelings for each other, this relationship can't be more than friendship.

Will she get angry? Probably. Will she feel hurt? Probably. But better to be honest now than to let it continue on this path and you both end up much more hurt down the road. Explain to her why - that it's not about her, but rather the reality of your situation.

She may not want to stay friends. That is definitely a risk you take. That is always a risk when one person decides a relationship cannot be anything more than friendship.

None of this is going to be easy, and there are no guarantees of whether or not you can or will be able to stay friends. But open, honest communication about the issue is best.

One other thing I recommend for you - that you start getting out and meeting females closer to your age - and preferably in your part of the world rather than from far away. The internet allows us to connect with people all over the world, and only a very small percentage of long distance relationships work out in the end. But it is very difficult to make those work, and it takes a lot of money and time to travel enough to really get to know each other. They often end in disappointment and heartbreak because the reality often doesn't live up to the fantasy. It's one thing to feel compatible over the internet - entirely another in person.

I hope this helps. I think you are wise to realize the challenges and limitations of this online relationship. I wish I could give you easy answers. I can't. But I hope the suggestions I make will give you some ideas as to how to best handle this, for your sake and for hers.

Dr. Lane

we mostly talk via messaging,

we mostly talk via messaging, we talked on Skype 3 times. I've tried to take a break from talking to her for a week and end up talking to her more after that week, I'll try to do it again.
I know that the right thing is to tell her and I needed someone to tell me that I won't lose her as a friend, obviously that's not gonna happen.
I'm gonna tell her and be the adult as you said.


I forgot to say that she's

I forgot to say that she's going through a lot in her life and that's the mean reason that's keeping me from telling her the truth, I don't want to hurt her and disturb her life more.

It sounds like you really

It sounds like you really care about her and want to be there for her.

One of the difficult things about taking a break from talking is that it can make the longing more intense. That is not an easy challenge to overcome. It takes time.

As for losing her as a friend, I don't know if you will or not. But, it is a possibility. Only time will tell. Remember, she's only 16 and may not be as mature about this as you are. Let her know you care and want to be her friend and be there for her during this difficult time, but that you need to limit the amount of time you spend talking. Hopefully, she will not write you off as a friend.

Dr. Lane


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