hocd help

Hi Girlneedhelp,

Have you actually been diagnosed with OCD, or are you "self-diagnosing" based on your symptoms?

As for what you are experiencing; at 21 you're not going to "turn gay" if you aren't gay already. And, based on what you describe, it doesn't sound like you are.

Many people with HOCD symptoms find that their attraction to the opposite sex seems to dwindle for a while; most likely due to all the anxiety and confusion they are experiencing. But, even though you say this has happened to you (and making you think you are gay), you didn't at any point say that you are physically or sexually attracted to females (like you have been to guys most your life).

Another thing, trying to "act straight" is a futile endeavor, and likely a compulsive reaction to the anxiety you are experiencing. Besides, how do "straight" individuals act compared to "gay" individuals? That's a stereotype, often perpetuated by movies and TV. Yes, there are flamboyantly gay men and women, but they are the exception, not the rule.

You said your "main fear is that HOCD can turn you gay in the future" - that won't happen because that's not how it works. HOCD doesn't make someone gay; rather, it causes obsessive thoughts and extreme anxiety about being gay.

Since this is clearly causing you significant distress, and you have been suffering from OCD symptoms for 2 years, I strongly recommend that you set up an appointment with a psychologist or other mental health professional for an evaluation - preferably someone who either specializes in treating OCD, or who at least has a lot of experience in treating it. Once you are evaluated, the best form of treatment (which is typically therapy) can be discussed. You can get better, but it is a process.

I hope this helps!

i was having obsessive thought about harming ppl i couldnt even stay home i thought i was goin to harm myself so i went to a therapist and he diagnosed me with ocd and then thats when i starting having thought of harming ppl and then the obsession changed to health ocd then went to relationship ocd and now it at hocd which i hate the most i wish i had r-ocd over this bc i cant even think straight anymore and i just recently had a child and i keep getting thoughts like "kill him because your gay" and it soo annnoying and it confuses me and i was seeing a therapist but then i stopped goin bc it was expensive but now i cant go bc my hubby and my family dont like the idea if seing a therapist so now i juust feel miserable waking up everyday with these thoughts in my head. I never ever had the attraction for the same sex until hocd started and i just dont even want to but hocd is saying i do and i started questioining myself am i attracted to the same sex? i just want to see them as friends no more then that and i cant even notice guys anymore is that normal with ocd im noticing the same sex now and i dont want to. I just want my love back with men and my husband it sucks living this kind of life. i dont even feel that much girly anymore because of hocd i used to love putting on makeup dressing preety and now that i have hocd its making me qustion everything is that normal. i cant even stare at the same sex because im afraid that i mite be attarcted to them even tho i no i dont ever want to be. i just want to no that will i ever love men and never have these doubts of my sexuality again and i just want to go back like how i was before ocd. i cant even think about my future with my hubby and bringing another child because of hocd has ruined my mind. can hocd change your preference that really worries me. when ever i ressuree my self and get relief my mind starts saying "what if i want to be gay" or "what if i dont want like men again" but really i want to like men and i dont want to be gay at all not now not never but hocd switches it up ...im just soo confused right now idk what to do i cant even tell my parents anything about this or my husband i just want to be the girl i was before and i even started having thouight about turning into a guy cutting my hair short eww is that hocd
but what do you reccommend me.. im also worried that start mite liking the thoughts eww since their is no anxiety to them i just need some help i dont want this to ruin my life and it already is ruining my life and my future i cant even work or get a job bc of these thoughts and i cant even go to college because of these stupid thoughts i just want to be free from pure o and hocd i hate this!

i need help this has gotton out of control
i keep having these thougt but its seems like their no anxiety to them which worries me like im soo used to the hocd thoughts now i hate it. everyday i wake up and my mind says im gay and this has been happening for about a year i feel misrable exhausted and tired of this. i want it to end but i dont no how...if i never had hocd i would ever never thought of this ever in my life and i would be enjoying my life with the other obssesion i hate this obsession i cant even enjoy my life with my husband i feel like i dont even love him which worries me my mind keeps telling me to leave him and dont no what to do..sometime when im with im im convinced that im gay and i should leave him but i really dont want to i just want to be like before but my mind is saying the opposite ,so now im confused. i wish i was like everyone else which does not obsess about their orientation and they known they were straight for a long time and never had these thought of being gay. sometime when im exciting these thoughts start to pop up and invade my mind its driving me crazy.. im plannin on getting pregnant again and i cant even think about my future anymore because of this.. i just want someone to tell e that i am, suffering from hocd but sometime i think i am not. i sometime feel like i want to give up bc i am soo tired of this but i just dont want ti be gay at all i want to be that straight girl like i was before but my mind i saying the opposite

Hi Mary,

I sincerely apologize for missing your second post back on 3/13; it was not my intent.

You stated in your most recent post that you are planning on getting pregnant again, yet you also describe being so distressed that you can't get a job or go to college, and that you've even had thoughts of killing your first child because you think you are gay. Please, do NOT get pregnant again while you are in this state of mind. Another child will make your life even more stressful and it clearly sounds like you are not coping well as it is.

You also said that your husband and family don't like the idea of you being in therapy. You are an adult woman - isn't that YOUR decision? You are in serious need of therapy considering the severity of your anxiety. Most likely your husband and family have an inaccurate perception of therapy, or feel that it is a waste of time and money. Yes, it is expensive, but you need to weigh the cost of therapy against the cost of you not being able to work or function properly. OCD is not something that just goes away on its own, in the vast majority of cases (if ever). And your OCD is making you have some very serious thoughts - harming yourself, others, and your child.

Do you really think your family and husband believe that's not worth seeking treatment? I encourage you to stand up for yourself on this matter. As for costs, you may be able to find a therapist who works on a sliding scale, or see one only every two weeks rather than weekly.

Again, everything you describe sounds like HOCD. BUT, I can tell you that until the cows come home and you will keep doubting it, because that is the nature of the disorder.

I encourage you to spend some time reading my responses to other readers; I provide many tips that you may find helpful. Ultimately, you need to STOP telling yourself that being gay would be the most awful, terrible, horrible thing in the world (which is what you are doing now, in one form or another). As long as you fight and kick and scream (so to speak) and resist it with all your might (which is the natural tendency with HOCD), then the anxiety will remain very strong and likely get worse. If, instead, you can look at these troubling thoughts like a mean bully who keeps taunting you - and you know, bullies LOVE it when they succeed at making you feel bad. But bullies lose interest when you start to ignore them.

Think of the thoughts as a bully and say, "So, what if I am gay" (that is NOT the same as saying, "I AM gay" (so don't confuse the two); and "walk away" so to speak. This will take practice. AND, when the thoughts stop making you feel so anxious, that is a SIGN of progress, not an indication that you are gay (you mentioned earlier that sometimes the thoughts don't bother you so much - most people misinterpret that just as you did).

HOCD will play all sorts of tricks on your mind. When the thoughts appear, you need to tell them "whatever" and focus on something else. It is NOT easy; therapy really helps you learn how to do this. But it's the best I can offer here.

I wish you the best.

thank you dr. lane
i understand it no its hocd but sometime i really feel like im gay eww i hate that,, this iss basically ruined my life i basically lost interest in men completely and i dont even feel girly like i was before i hate going shopping and putting on makeup and etc i just cant get these thoguht out of my mind when i wakeup after having a good dream my mind starts to say "you are gay you dont like men". and i am very confused i feel like im just lying to myself but i dont want to i just want to be straight again. sometime my mind says tell your husband that you are gay but i am not this is very annoyingand disrupting my life. i cant have fun and enjoy the places i go to with my husband or on a vacation my mind always says you love women but i dont at all at all im just worried that i wont think stright like i did before hocd and im scared if i end up coming out :(. i cant even look at the same sex figure i feel like im attarcted to them eww thats gross!.. i just wish i cant be straight again without ocd i dont like this life i feel like i was living a lie this whole time. i dont like going anywhere were their are the same sexx and i even want to start collge soon but i am afraid.. i just dont no what to o i feel misrable and my husband wants another child i cant really explain what goin on and i dont want to tell anyone about these thought other then a therapist.another thing is that im worried if i do accept that ]then i will be liking the thought ewww! i just want to be the girl who i was before hocd i dont want to change at all

dr. lane i feel soo confused now with these thoughts i feel like im not disgusted buy them anymore.. and i dont even feel femenine anymore i feel like everything i do is manly ive lost interest in everything i do
and i keep on getting thought like turning into a guy what the heck noo i dont even want these thought is that normal.. and i keep on analylizing my childhood to see if i was gay and i keep remmembering some of my friends back then that were preety and my mind is saying that i liked them but i never liked then saem sex before i truly dont want to now my mind is saying that im bi but i just dont want to like the sAme sex i want these attractions to go away but "what if they never do?"... and sometime my mind says "what of i want to be gay" but i dont and i hate saying that i feel weird and also i feel weird when i talk about my husband i dont know why but i dont want to feel weird then i will think i am in denial.. i just really wish i never had these kind of thouhgts because now i cant even think aout what i want but i no that i want my love back for men ..i just want to go back to not even having these thoughts.... can hocd make your feel like you are gay or even turning gay but i dont want to at all i dont even feel like my old feminine self?
now i wakeup to thes stupid thoughts like they feel real..im just scared that i will never be my old self again and whenever i try to say i want to be straight again i feel like im just lying to myself is that hocd...i just wish i was like other girls who loved men their whole lifes and never had these thoughts enter their mind but :"what if they never had ocd and they came to their mind?i never had gay thoughts before this al started or even was attarcted to the same sex.. i just want to see them as a friend and nothing more but hocd says the opposite. i just cant tell anyone about these thoughts then they will really thin i am in deniel. cann this disorder really turn you into someone you are not?im just tired of this and whenever i talk to my husband i feel like i dont love him like i used to but i want to love him i dont want this to ruin my life but it already is ruining my life and i fee misrable.. and i dont even get anxious to the same sex anymore is that normal with hocd. i am depressed and confused i cant seem to accept the thoughts because it feels like if i do i will end up liking them and turn gay or bi but i dont want to i wish they never existed i am having trouble sleeping throught my night concentrating on my days i cant even go to the mall or the beach or places were i am goin to see the same sex im scared of ending be attracted to them. i never was before hocd so does that mean after hocd i will? i just cant concentrate im always on the internet look for answers to reassure that i am straight and always will be. the other day i went grocery shopping with my husband and i saw a pretty girl and she have a nice body and myy mind goes "i want to be with her" but i dont then i felt really confused i never had such thoughts like these before hocd and i feel weird saying them on here.. i just dont no if this is hocd anymore and whenever i cry my mind starts to say your crying because you want to be gay like common i hate these thought i dont want these kind of thought s im scared that one day i will wakeup and be s diffrent person i dont want my life to ruin i always used to dream about havin kids with my husband and working with him and living our lives together now i cant even think like that anymore..whenever i have a good dream about a guy i wake up nd my mind says "why am i dreaming about guys i am gay and i dont like guys" in am soo confused i dont no if this is hocd anymore it doesnt feel like it i always try to force myself to see if i find guys attractive and i dont feel anymore which terrifys me i just want to be straight again and be forver.. i always sleep with my legs crossed and sit with my legs crossed this is soo weird in never felt like this before i just want to be kin g love with men again but my mind trys tricking me and say i dont.. i just dont no what to do anymore... i am always depressed and i cant concentrate i feel like telling my parents i want to see a therapist but they are always like to you are still having those thoguths and they dont seem to understand what this disorder is

Hi Mary,

You are clearly in a lot of distress. EVERYTHING you describe is not uncommon with HOCD. Compulsively looking for reassurance online is not going to help you - and will likely make things worse. You'll never get the reassurance you so desperately want - and if you do get a little, it will be fleeting - again, that is typical of this disorder.

People don't just "turn" gay. Accepting the thoughts won't make you gay. Also, please emember, I said to accept the possibility of being gay rather than fighting it - that's NOT the same as accepting that you ARE gay - please don't confuse the two or that will just make you more distressed.

Avoiding being around other women, or avoiding looking at them, or doing things like crossing your legs, etc. will only make your anxiety worse, because those types of behaviors reinforce the anxiety. Much like the person who falls off a horse and never gets on one again - they remain afraid of horses as long as they keep AVOIDING horses. Avoidance is one of the worst things when it comes to anxiety - it's understandable - but it does NOT help at all.

You need to see a therapist. If your husband or parents don't think you have a serious disorder, then have them come to this site and read my responses to you; along with posts by hundreds of others who also struggle with OCD (and HOCD). OCD is a very serious psychiatric disorder, and it is extremely rare for it to go away on its own. Therapy with someone who is very experienced in treating OCD can be very beneficial. I particularly recommend seeing a psychologist who either specializes in treating OCD (some do) or who has a LOT of experience in successfully treating people with OCD. I also recommend seeing someone who uses CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) as part of their treatment, because it is one of the most effective types of therapy for OCD.

I wish I could offer more. I encourage you to distract yourself with other things when you feel the urge to check for reassurance. It's not helping you to do so. I do strongly believe you are NOT gay or in denial about being gay. I believe, based on everything that you describe, that you are suffering from OCD (and specifically, HOCD).

I really hope you are able to get into treatment with a qualified mental health professional very soon.

everyday in wakeup and my mind says do you want to like the same sex? do you want to sleep with the same sexx no no no. I try to keep busy by thinking of other stuff it's just that i can't concentrate on anything i used to enjoy before hocd. hocd is always confusing my mind first i thought it was hocd in the first now it doesnt even feel like it? I don't like to listen to music of the same sex i try to talk to m old friends bu i feel weird around them this is making me miserable.. Whenever a hocd thought pops up i am saying no no no. its getting harder and harder every single day. I never had attractions for th same sex and i don't want to at all. I keep trying to imagine myself with the same sex but i just can't and i don't even want to imagine it i want to go back loving my husband and men only will that life ever com back. I am worried that hocd will turn me gay in the future and i will end up leaving my family and i don't want that to ever happen.. After hocd is gone do u think i will remain straight as before? I Keep getting thought of the same sex a d getting aroused is that normal. Can a person with hocs really turn gay or is that impossible? I just want to go back to loving men again. Sometime my mind says that men at disgusting but their not ive always loved them why does my mind say that? I feel like my attraction for men will never come back and if it does hocd will ruin it and i just feel like giving up!

Mary, you're not even "listening" to anything I've said to you. I've said everything you're describing is typical of HOCD. And you can't and won't "turn" gay.

You need therapy. You can either fight for yourself or wallow. But only you can decide which choice you want to make. Please read my responses to you again. I don't think you're gay and believe everything you are describing is likely due to OCD. I say "likely" because I'm not in a position to formally diagnose you as I haven't evaluated you. So please don't read more into that statement, okay?

My responses clearly are not helping you at all. I wish you the best and hope you can get the help you need.

i understand dr. lane everything you said but i cant see a therapist i want to but my hubby and parents dont approve it is their anything u can do to make these thoughts go away because their making my life misrable i cant even go out in public and seeing the same sexc my mind starts to be attracted to them i am confused when i go to see my friends i feel like i like them or something like thats weird i dont want to all but my mind is convincing me to and i dont want to leave my husband that would ruin my life. i try to act more girly but now its getting to the point were itss annoying me.. and im gettin g to the point were i feel like im turning gay and i dont love men.. my life is soo depressing right now i dont even feel the anxiety
anymore..i dont now how to explain this to my parents and i feel weird if i talk about it with them and i def cannot tell my husband about this.. but why can a disorder just ruin you life and take everything that fun out of it.. i mean id rather have someething else then rather obsess of about my sexuality.. i read something that some had hocd and then ended up turning gay in the future which scared the hell out and i cant even get it out of my mind .. i just want to no that this is nit going to chnage me at all what soo ever

dr lane is their anyway i can cope with this its ruining my life.i cant seem to accpet the thoughts im worried that if i accept the thoughts i will start liking them or something like that eww! i am going to start college soon and i really hope this wont bother me. how do i really no if this is hocd it feels like its not everytime i see a cute guy my mind say you are gay and you dont like him its soo weird and ieven feel weird when my husband touchs me idk even no why but i dont want to i just miss the feelings with him and i wish they will be back soon.. whenever i see the same sex i feel like i like them or somethinglike i dont want to but my mind convinces me i just dont no what to believe anymore iu want my attraction bck for the opposite sex but i feel like i will never get it back please help i feel misrable.

Mary, I can't be your personal therapist. I've told you my professional opinion (that these symptoms are very likely due to HOCD and not because you actually gay). I've told you that you can't "turn gay" because of the thoughts. I've given you multiple tips. I've also suggested that you read my responses to other readers (for additional tips). That is the best I have to offer.

I stand by my recommendation that you get into therapy. You are clearly in significant distress. If your husband and family aren't supportive, then I encourage you to stand up for yourself. You need to let them know that you need professional help in order to get better. OCD rarely just goes away on its own. I know that can be scary and that they still may not be supportive. (Btw, they don't need to know the details (i.e. about the fear of being gay); rather, that you have serious symptoms that strongly suggest OCD, which is a serious psychiatric disorder). Perhaps your husband would at least agree to you getting an evaluation - then you will have someone who can talk to him directly about your need for treatment.

You are an adult woman and at some point you need to make decisions for yourself, which, sadly, may include reconsidering being married to a man who refuses to support your need for treatment. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life married to someone who is not supportive and disregards your needs? I guarantee that will never be a happy or healthy marriage.

I hope you are able to get the professional help that you need and deserve.

dr. lane in our culture they dont like the idea of seeing a therapist they just think ppl that are out of their minds would go their,1 alot of ppl understand were i am coming from i just dont no if this is hocd anymore i am notticing the same sex now and whenever i i loook at the opposite sex i feel nothing no aatraction and i always feel weird whenever i mention the same sex when i talk to ppl in general and i am always getting thouight of leaving my husband in the future. idk ive never felt this way my mimd is comvincing me that if i accpe tit i will be happy but i always say no and idk anymore its just feel soo real and i dont want to be this way id rather obsess about something elkse other then this.i just am sad that im like the only one suffering from this in my culture and none else is

can hocd cause these:
-i have lost all my attarction fot the oppsite sex
-i am noticing the same sex now an noit the oppsite sex
-whenever in see a guy my mind says you dont liek him you are gay
-whenever i see two married couples with children
my mind says you will never have that
-ikeep getting thought of chagnging my gender weird eww
-i dont feel femeinine like i did before i feel like im doing everything manly
-i cant concentrate on anything
-ifeel liek the only way to get over this is to accpe it
-my midn always trys to umagine myself with the same sex eww and i try to stop it from their bc i dont want to taht nasty
-i avoid starig n at the preety girls bc my mind wil say "i want her" or "i want to be with taht person" ewww
-i keep geting thoguiht like : "iwant to be gay" but no
-im scare dthat if i accpet it i will turn bi or in the future

are their nay other way i can deal with this if i cant see a therapist?

Mary,

Yes, HOCD can trigger all the thoughts and feelings you describe. The thoughts and feelings seem very real, yet at the same time they don't align with you who are deep down - hence all the "ewwws" that you used to indicate how respulsive many of them are to you.

Again, I have already given you multiple suggestions that might help alleviate some of your anxiety - have you tried ANY of them (I get the impression that you have not...).

There is not magical cure for OCD / HOCD. It is extremely complex and challenging, and that's why I think you need to see a therapist. You hadn't indicated before that you live in a different culture (and that was not evident from your other posts). I wish I could say otherwise, but considering the degree of distress you are experiencing, I don't think you are going to get better without professional help.

The following things, if done regularly, can help reduce symptoms of anxiety in general: yoga, meditation, exercise (aerobic, like jogging, brisk walking, swimming laps, etc.), and relaxation exercises. However, their effect will be limited with regards to the specifics of OCD. But, they can help you feel less anxious overall.

At some point, regardless of what others "think", you may need to go a therapist unless you want to continue with this distress. OCD is a serious psychiatric disorder that almost always requires treatment in order to overcome it or at least learn to manage it so that it doesn't consume your life. I'm sorry I can't offer more help.

i read your respsonces to other but i cant accept it because it feels like i am a diff person when i says those words but your respsonces do help me and i do reassure myself like everyday ..and what happens if i dont get all my attraction back for men? sometimes i feel this maybe hocd and sometimes i dont i just want to go back to not even having these thoughts i always get thoughts like "what if i want to come out?" but i dont want to ever in my life this obsession has been driving me crasy and its not letting me live a normal life like i used to i am planning on going to college soon and i hopoe it doesnt bother me as much as it is now, i always wanted children with my husband but now i cant even think bout it. i just want my attraction back to men. but it feels like this is convincing me that i dont like men anymore. i just want to no will i be like before i was before hocd and never change.. i always wakeup to the words "gay" it drive s me crazy i wish i never had ocd because now im questioning ,my love for men im always geting thought like do u want to spend the rest of ur life with men but i do but hocd says the opposite of whtever i say and now my mind says "im a lesbian" noo but im not..i reallyg want to see a therapist soo i can live a normal life without these gay thoguhts in my life. when ever i see homo ppl my mind says "i want to be like them" but no i dont.. i feel soo weird now having these thought i feel like a diff person or even bi but i dont want to feel this way am i going to be stuck this way forever...i cant tell anyone about these thoughts because they will think something else i just hope i will be straight for the rest of my life because i dont want to turn out an ruin my life!

thak you for responding to my questions its a really big help, but its seems that my hocd is convicing me that i like the same sex, eww whenever i see the same sex i feel like im attarcted to them but i dont want to i feel weird writing that by the way. i just need someone to tell me that this is all fake and that i am straight and never will turn gay and dont want to. i cant seem to get over this obsession,,ive lost all my attraction to guys whenever i look at a guy i feel nothing even if hes cute and when i see the same sex i feel like i like them or something but i dont want to at all..i cant even tell if this is hocd anymore. i've lost interest in everything i dont really feel the anxiety anymore i dont like going to the mall or shopping at storres of them s sex and when i pass by stores in the mall that sell lingerie i cant even look at them bc i get intrusive thought is that normal. i never liked the same sex before and nor do i want to ever in my life..when i was younger a was a but if a tom boy and as a grew up i become girly..when i dont put on makeup and put my hair up i feel like im boyish..whenever i kiss my husband my mind trys turns him into a girl makes me think i like it?like what the heck i dont want these thought at all..is it possible to break free from this and never have gay thought in my life like before hocd.. whenever i look into the mirror i try to act more girly or my mond its going to make me think im gay. idk if anyone ever had these syptoms but i hope im not the obly one. whenever im doing anything with my husband my mind makes me think its a girl and sees if i like it but no i dont want this at all..im always teleling my mind to shut the hell up..i just dont no whats real and whats not or whats my heart is saying i no that ive loved men all my life i mean how can that just chnage i thought it never does and i dont want it to...i cant even look at the tv if i see the same sex getting undressed, i look away bc im scared if i end up liking it nooo. hocd convince you that you are going to turn g and that u dont have hocd? id rather have r-ocd over this help please. and can i mention that i saw a cute guy yesturday but still felt nothing, my mind was like "id rather be with the s. sex then rather be with him" and then i felt soo terrible at the momment like that just confused me i dont even like menstiong the same sex in my words i get anxious when i see the same sex or gay ppl they just scare me ive had many ocd obsession but none are like this on this is the worst.. i get arroused just looking at the pretty one, but why i never did before i dont ever recall liking the same sex before hocd and i truly dont want to..i dont even want to be bi at all i just want to be the same old me but it feel like i cant..i dont even have feeling for my husband anymore i feel weird when i talk to him i feel masculine when i talk to him. i alwayts make sure im walking straight or talking straight but if i dont i feel like i will be talking like a man.i feel like i will not be in love with another man bc of this has ruined my mind. i cant even stare at pretty ppl bc then my mind will start making me feel terrible. is it normal to not be in love with th opposite sex at all like no atraction or anything and when you seee the same sex you feel something. when i see my friends i feel weird talking to them or even taking pictures with them i avoid looking at the preety girls bc i ill get intrusive thought.. but now this had gottne to the point were i dont like guys anymore and i feel like i am startting to like the s sex but i dont wAnt to at all. i really want to go to school but my mind says "im going to mett girls thats why i want to go to school" but not i dont want that at all at all at all, i cant even take care of my child because i get thoughts that i dont love him and that im going to leave him someday? why am i getting these i dont want these thought at all they are ruining my relationship with my husband and they are making me not live a life i want to live.. sorry for the long post i just hope you can reply back

do you have any copping stratgies other then accepting bc i just cant seem to?

Mary,

Have you been doing any of the things I've already suggested? (Re-read my responses to you; I've given several tips.)

Yes I actually have been doing hat but its been soo hard my mind is saying that im accepting because its a part of me and I don't want to think thy at all soo am i stool suppose to go on facing m fears and whatever my mind says to ignore it for instance if i faced my fear i talking to the same sex my mind is going to say i like them or something like that but i don't. Soo accepting it my mind says some weird stuff is that normal with hocd. so am i suppose to not act femminine when my mind makes me feel like im acting to masculine.im always trying to look baack at my past if i like the same sex but i never did but hocd is saying i did befor is that normal with hocd? I can't hang out with ppl of the same sex if their pretty my mind tells me i am attracted to them and I nver was before and i don't want to at all. This obsession is much harder to face then any obsession bc i never had thought o being gay ever in my life untill hocd came along and now i can't even think about m future or anything with my love bc it's ruined by hocd is that normal. another thing is that can hocd make you feel aroused by the same sex body like when see an attarctive girl i get aroused just by looking at her body and i never used to feel like this before. Before hocd i would get jealous from their body because i would want their body like mines but i just get aroused and never did before hocd and now im noticing it alot. and my hocd is making me almost believe that i want to be gay but i dont but its keeps convincing me that i want to like i dont i just want to be a diff person i want to be like before hocd but these thought wont shut up..when in get those kinds of thoughts i think that no way can this be hocd i always feel like i wont be able to get my attarction back for men and it just depresses me sometime i cant do anything fun anymore like before hocd.
i dont want to be attarcted to the same sex at all i want ky love back for men i dont want that to chnage please help me!

i always fear that when i sleep with my husband i will say the word gay and he will freak out i have that huge fear likle for instance if i was sleep talking i would say gay out of no more and he would hear that and he would end up leaving me ): please dr. lane comment back to my post it would be a great help thank you soo much!

Mary,

You can't control what you say in your sleep. If you are afraid this might happen and "freak" your husband out, then I suggest you talk to him about it openly rather than wait for it to possibly happen (and it might, if you are prone to talking in your sleep).

Your husband needs to understand that you have a very real disorder that warrants professional treatment from a mental health professional. Again, I encourage you to have this conversation with him. If he leaves you because you say the word "gay" in your sleep, then he has serious issues of his own and you can't control those.

But, this is absolutely a fear that you would be best served by facing head on (i.e. talking to him upfront about it) rather than living in the fear that you might talk in your sleep and he ends up leaving you.

did you read the other post i wrote before the fear of sleeping talking are those symptoms of hocd?

Mary,

None of my responses are helping you. I know you want reassurance, but it will never give you the relief you so desperately seek. You need to be evaluated by a mental health professional who can talk to you directly and then determine the best course of treatment. I am not able to diagnose you or treat you via this website. I wish you the best.

So are u saying thay your not able to tell if im suffering from hocd or not ?anywYs your respsonces have been a really big help i hope to see a therapist soon if i can do i can go back to my normal self that. Loved men her whole life.

Mary,

I said early on that a lot of what you have described sounds like symptoms of HOCD, but I can't say 100%. I am not in a position to diagnose you - that's why I continue to recommend that you see a psychologist or other mental health professional who can do a thorough evaluation and determine the best course of treatment. I hope you are able to do that soon, as this is clearly causing you significant distress.

Ok thank you i reAlly hope it's hocd bc it feels so real and i hope the psychologist say its hocd too not that im gay it bi noo...i wake up everyday and the first thing that comes to my mind is this and it will go on for the whole day. i never have a break from it thats why i am always looking to reasure myself that i am straight i try to look at my past to see if i had any attraction to he s. sex but i never did and ocd is saying that a lie and i do. i miss my love for my husband i always fear that in the future i will end up leaving him and i will be divorced and he will find someone else i hope that never happens tho and i am always getting these what if? this happened or what if this? i sometimes have dreams about guys and when i wake up my mind says that i dont like men and i am gay i want to overcome this by myself with no help but im scared that if i doo it the wrong way..i wish to go back to my straight life but i feel like i am soo far from that now and i really want that back no matter what. how can i no if this is hocd bc t feals so real ive lost my attarction for men i dont notice them at all like i used to before hocd. i rememeber fantazing about them and how much i loved it before i had all of this. im always anxious whne i see gay ppl and i try not to look at ppl of the same sex that i think are pretty bc my mind will tell me that i am attarcted to them and stiff like that i really wish i was like everyone else thats straight and never had this to begin with but its seems like i do and i dont no how to get rid of it without some professional help. i just want the day to end because of this i just want to be sleeping because of this its ruining my relationship with my husband and not leting me enjoy it with him. i keep trying to test myself to see if i like to be with the same sex and i get anxious and im scared that my mind will make me enjoy it but i dont want to i never thought like this before and it disgust me i never thought about the same sex that way before i would just ssee them as a sister. it feels like the only way to get rid of it is to give up but i just dont no matter wat i want to be the old me im sick of saying this.. is it possible to break free from this and never have these thoughts ever again?

Mary, you need professional help. This is probably not going to go away on its own and clearly it is causing you severe distress. However, therapy will help only if YOU are willing to do the work involved. If you ignore all the suggestions a therapist makes to help you manage your symptoms (and hopefully overcome them), then you will just be wasting your time.

As for whether or not it is possible to "break free" from this and never have the thoughts again. Yes, it is possible, but even with treatment some people still have symptoms all their life. However, therapy (and specifically, cognitive behavioral therapy) can help people learn to manage their symptoms so that they don't cause so much distress. So, I still recommend treatment but no one can predict the long-term outcome. And you have to be willing to do your part as well.

I really don't feel I have any more to offer you here. I wish I could help, but you just keep repeating yourself over and over - and I realize that is because you are so distressed. I have given you as many suggestions as I can - it's up to you as to whether or not you want to try the things I've suggested, including seeing a therapist. You can't expect overnight miracles - this is a very challenging disorder and it takes time and effort to make progress. I know that sounds dismal, but a lot of people do make significant progress, so don't assume the worst - that nothing will help.

I wish you the best and hope you get the help you need very soon.

yes dr. lane i am clearly distressed but i already told you before i cant really see a therapist because my family dont approve it its kind of known in our culture. I jus would like to no are all those things i mentioned to you symptoms of hocd..why does this obsession feel the worst then other bc it feels soo real and i hate it....ijust hope this is hocd bc i am not enjoying anything anymore this is always on my mind and i always have to be looking up stuff it's driving me crazy!
i would like to no if their is an online therapy that is no cost or some cost!

Mary, there are discrepancies in your own statements. You said on 4/27 that "I hope to see a therapist soon" and on 4/30 "I hope the psychologist says its HOCD" (both statements suggesting that you had finally decided to go ahead and see a therapist). Now, today, you are back to saying that you "can't really see a therapist" because of your family....

So, I am confused.

Mary, I have nothing more to offer you. I am not in a position to formally diagnose anyone via this website. Sometimes, I am pretty sure someone has a certain disorder based on what they describe, but that's not a formal diagnosis. I can't provide that without doing an evaluation. And I can't do that via this venue. I can only offer my professional opinion, answer questions, and hopefully point people in the right direction in terms of getting the help they need. That is why I almost always recommend that readers set up an appointment with a mental health professional for an evaluation and, if warranted, start doing therapy and / or any other treatment that is appropriate (and recommended by whoever does the evaluation).

You want answers I cannot give you. But here's the deal. EVEN if I could say for 100% certainty - You have HOCD - IT WOULD NOT HELP YOU. I GUARANTEE IT. Knowing it's HOCD won't make the symptoms you are experiencing go away. Your mind will relentlessly continue to tell you that it's not HOCD, that you're really gay, and so on. That's why I recommend that you work with a therapist - to learn to manage the symptoms you are experiencing. Reassurance provides only very temporary relief, and the distressing thoughts all come right back.

In addition, from what I can tell based on your continuous responses, you have NOT tried any of the things I have suggested. Are you exercising? Doing yoga? Meditating? Have you even tried? Those things won't "cure" HOCD, but they can help you feel calmer and reduce some of the anxiety.

Have you talked to your husband about your need for an evaluation - that you are suffering with significant anxiety that is seriously impacting your life? Have you talked to anyone in your family?

No one can really help you until you are willing to help yourself. I realize you may feel powerless and helpless, and I think there is more going on here than just HOCD symptoms. There are also, it seems, cultural issues with which I am not experienced or familiar - which again, is why I recommend therapy - preferably with someone who is familiar with your culture and can help you navigate the cultural obstacles that also make this difficult.

As for an online therapist - there are therapists who practice online, but I don't know of any that do it for free. Most charge about the same rates (or close to) as therapists who work offline. I don't have anyone to recommend, but you might do a Google search for "online OCD therapists" and see what you find. You might also look into an online support group. However, my concern with a support group (for you) is that you are too fragile and will just end up feeling more confused and distressed, rather than gaining any real benefit from it.

I wish there was more I could do to help you, but unfortunately, there isn't. I wish you the best.

yea i really wish i can see one but i try to talk about it with my mom because she is the only one that understands but she provides me to do other things such as: go out with your friends, talk on the phone and go shopping like stuff to keep me busy and not thinking about it instead of seing a therapist but i just cant seem to do those things because i have lost interest in most of them and the only thing i do is walk for about two hours a day but thats still doesnt seem to work because the symptoms are stil their and soo are the thoughts.. and yes your are soo right when you say that it is hocd i get releived but them the thoughts come back after a couple of minutes and thats what confuses me and get me back on the internet searching to reassure myself that im straight ..i was seing a therapist but that was a while back ago and the only thing he did was prescribe me medicine and he would just ask questions i didnt feel like it was helping at all.. but afterwards i startin g researching books on my condition and they had alot of good info like doing exposure tech but i just cant seem to do those bc im scared that if i do it the rong way.. so when i was pregnant i was experiencing severe hocd and i decided to see a therapist for evalution and she was like the same as the other one and she didnt no alot about ocd. she suggested me to take medicine and keep myself busy she never mentioned exposure tech or cbt thats why i stopped from their and i want to see someone that will help me overcome this problem and never will it bother me again but i just want my family to approve soo i will be okay going their and getting the help i need you understand.