HOCD? or gay?

Hi Missgamess,

Yes, HOCD is "legit". It is often called HOCD because the obsessive thoughts are about being a homosexual.

Your therapist should be familiar with OCD (if not, please find a different therapist). However, not all therapists have the skills to treat OCD. OCD is a complex and challenging disorder to treat. You may want to find a therapist who either specializes in treating OCD or anxiety disorders, or who at least as a history of successfully treating people with OCD. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective types of therapy for this disorder. Medication is sometimes helpful as well but will be most effective when combined with the appropriate type of therapy.

As for whether or not you are gay. Based on what you describe, I think it is doubtful. It's perfectly normal to admire and / or acknowledge the attractiveness of other females - and also not uncommon to compare yourself physically with another woman (woman do this all the time!). But that is not the same as being sexually or romantically attracted to another woman, which you would likely experience if you were gay.

Also, many straight women are not particularly feminine. Some women grew up as tomboys or just aren't interested in makeup or dressing up. That's also perfectly normal and doesn't mean you are a lesbian.

As for how to "fix" it. Unfortunately, there is not a simple answer and if these obsessive thoughts are disrupting your life, then a combination of therapy and medication may be the most helpful. when you do start to obsess, if you can refocus your thoughts onto something else that may help (but may be very difficult). Other things that help anxiety in general are regular cardio exercise, meditation, yoga, and relaxation exercises. But you must do them regularly. They won't cure the OCD, but they may help you feel more relaxed and less stressed.

In agreement to everything missgamess said... I have similar problems. I've loved guys all my life and now suddenly that i've become close with my best friend, i fear that i'd randomly become gay with her whenever i'm in no way shape or form romantically or sexually attracted to girls what so ever. I've been close with her for several months now and since my boyfriend dumped me, i feel like i could randomly become gay!! Is this hocd?

Another issue is that i have these gay dreams! in the dream, i have sex with my best friend but whenever i wake up, i'm completely disgusted at the thought of doing that with a girl. I think about it all day long, cry, hyperventilate, almost throw up, and sometimes even think about killing myself. Am i gay? or is it hocd?! Why do i have dreams like this? What can i do to fix all this anxiety and thoughts?

Hi Thoye,

Based on what you describe, this sounds more like symptoms of HOCD. People don't "randomly" become gay, but the obsessive thoughts that are part of HOCD can certainly make you start questioning that you might.

As for the dreams, most likely they are due to the anxiety. While no one fully understands dreams, they are often tied to things that are troubling us. Many others who struggle with HOCD symptoms also report similar dreams - and like you, they feel disgusted afterwards. I think if you were gay, the dreams wouldn't be so disgusting to you.

If this continues to cause you a lot of distress, then therapy is the best treatment. The type of therapy that is most effective with OCD is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I would only recommend working with a very experienced therapy who uses CBT to treat anxiety, and who has treated people with OCD successfully.

I hope that helps!

Hello, i dont know if im gay or dealing with HOCD.
Im a 18 year old guy and is in a relationship with this girl for almost 2 years. before i started getting all these problems i was madly in love with my girlfriend and was always attracted to girls and fantasizing about them. Always showing off for them and always really flirty with them. And always wanting to marry a girl and have kids with my wife.

This is going to be long please try to read...

When i was 5 or 6 i went over to my neighbors house and they were 5 years older and i went to their basement and they were playing video games. And then i saw them pull down their pants, and i was confused at what was going on. Then they said when ever you die in this game you have to lick our penis's. I was so young and had no idea what was going on, but i just went along cuz i wanted to hang out with them. They made me believe it was normal, and i went through with it, but i didnt get forced as of what i can remember.

I forgot about this whole moment untill the beginning of my senior year when the new real world season came out. It had this guy who was saying he was bisexual but was actually gay and couldnt come out because he was to scared of being judged. He finally came out and got a boyfriend, when they showed him kissing this dude i then remembered this traumatic event that happened when i was younger.I freaked out and asked do i like this am i gay? then 10 mins later i frogot about it.. A month later i had a dream that i was hanging out with my friends and i kissed one on the cheek. When i woke up i freaked out and asked what was that? am i turning gay? and when i saw him the next day i felt disturbed like why did i have this dream?

Then a few months past, my girlfriend said she learned in pysch class that if your left handed and have a older brother you are more likely to be gay. And as a joke she asked if i were gay. I said no to her, but my mind was like are you gay? Did those things that happened to you when your younger mean your gay? I freaked out like crazy and all this traumatic stuff came back into my mind. Then i went away again.

A few weeks later is were it all began, i was at my friends house for a party with my girlfriend, and i got really drunk. There was this new guy there that ive never met til that party who was a good looking guy but i wasnt attracted to him or turned on by him. But my mind kept saying come on kiss him, you know you want to. But deep down i couldnt do that i didnt want to do it, but this intrusive thought happened all night and i slept there. And woke up in the middle of the night sweaty and saying to my self f**k im gay, how can i be gay if i loved girls my whole life. Then fell back asleep, and the next morning i was so disturbed and felt guilty that whole day. Then a couple days later, i thought about what happened again, and i kept feeling crappy.

Then the next morning was when the thought started and never stoped. I kept asking my self am i gay? and would hate to look at a guy cuz i was scared i would think hes good looking and that i would have a crush on him. I then started getting thoughts of when ever i see a guy like would i do him? would i like to do him? Do i think hes hot? i would continusly be having these thoughts and would be panicking and couldnt focus on anything. I missed school days because of these thoughts cuz they were torturing me and making me feel terrible. I would flip coins to determine if im gay or straight, walk the same way i knew straight people were walking. Stand in a different line as these lesbians in my school because i would think that line would be the gay line,I would check my penis to see if i was aroused by any of the intrusive thoughts or by any guys (which i never was).Also i got messier and kept thinking i was talking feminine or acting it, and i would dress messier and talk really deep to show that im still manly...My attraction to girls and arousal were completely gone, and i had no sex drive. which kept making it worse... But a month into this ocd, i had a wet dream from having sex with this girl in my dream. I felt so happy in the morning, then my mind was trying to tell me that was a lie and that i like men, and i just felt distrubed again.

I told my parents everything that was happening and they were there to help get me better. So,I then went to a therapist and she told me i have ocd. I then read online that it was called HOCD. I read blogs and learned ways to supress all the pain and worries. Which helped me kind of get back with my life. for a week span i practiced on supressing all the panicking and pain from these intrusive thoughts. It worked,but now my minds saying since your not panicking or feeling distrubed about these thoughts then you must be accepting your gay... And also since your arousal/attraction/ or sex drive arent there towards girls you must be turning gay. I also had a 2 day scare were i was worried i was asexual because i wasnt attracted to any sex. 2 and a half months of this i havent gotten my arrousal/attraction/sex drive back and its been making me really frustrated, and its been cycling all my intrusive thoughts over and over again but not affecting me as much, but making me think im turning gay cuz im not panicking anymore so i must be accepting it. So i start checking again because i cant help it or else this will make me feel terrible. And i tried watching gay porn, and i couldnt even watch it because i just felt so disturbed at why i was doing this. And my mind started racing like you must be gayu if you watched gay porn and intrusive thoughts like "you wish you were in it" or "you liked it". i was feeling miserable.

Also i saw a website saying that people who have traumatic homosexaul experiences as a kid for their first sexual interaction will turn gay. also it said if you were exposed to porn at a young age, and masterbated excessivley when you were in early teens (i was but with straight porn) you are more likely to be gay. And if their is someone homosexual on your moms side you are likely to be gay, which my grandmas brother is gay on my moms side. I freaked out when i read this and nearly brokedown but i didnt feel that much of a panick as i did when this ocd started. Which is telling me im accepting im gay and im starting to feel my guilt and disturbnance again.

So right now as im writing on this it feels like im accepting im gay, and im have these intrusive thoughts constantly that are now sometimes making me feel panicked unlike before i was constanly panicked. It feels like im disconnected from my emotions, like i have no emotion to any of my loved ones anymore. I know deep down im not gay and that i love women, but since i have no arousal/attraction/sex drive towards women anymore, it feels like this thing is making me tell my self im lying to my self and that im gay. which cycles the intrusive thoughts and the panicking. I have nothing against homosexuals i just know it isnt my thing.

I dont know what to write anymore, i really need help please let me know what you think is going on in my head. sorry for the long text i wrote, i missed somethings but if you want me to tell you more ill write it again if you cant figure out what is causing this stuff. I really need help cuz its affecting my life and my relationship with my girlfriend. Pleaseee help

Thank you

-Soccerkid999

Hi Soccerkid,

My apologies for not responding to your post until now. Based on everything you describe, I highly doubt you are gay. Everything you describe sounds like typical symptoms of HOCD (which, btw is OCD - just OCD with the fear of being gay as the primary obsession). They are not two separate disorders.

The reason your sex drive has diminished may be because you have been experiencing so much distress and anxiety about your sexual orientation. This is not uncommon with HOCD.

You mentioned learning ways to "suppress" the thoughts. If you literally meant "suppress", that will not work in the long run. Ultimately, with HOCD, to overcome the obsessions and anxiety you want to find a way to embrace the very thing you fear - not suppress it.

By suppressing or avoiding the thoughts or things that cause you to feel anxious, you give them power over you - and, as a result, they usually get worse not better. Think of it this way: who do you think is going to end up fearful of horses their entire life? The person who fell of while riding and never rode a horse again, or the person who got back on the horse? (Not an ideal analogy, but hopefully you get the point I am trying to make.)

You also mentioned this website and that website and what your girlfriend learned in her psych class about who will turn gay or who is more likely to turn gay - "more likely" is not the same as "will".

Yes, you had a homosexual experience as a child, but that doesn't 100% mean you are or will become gay. Experts don't yet know what causes some people to become gay - most believe it is a combination of many factors. I encourage you to not put too much weight into those theories.

You mentioned that you went to see a therapist, but you didn't say whether or not you were still working with a therapist. For OCD (and HOCD), the most effective type of therapy is usually Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT for short). If the therapist you are seeing isn't using CBT techniques, you might want to consider changing therapists in order to get the best results.

I hope this helps answer your questions. Again, based on everything you have described, HOCD sounds like the best explanation. If you were gay, you would genuinely be attracted to males and, I believe, deep down you would know you are gay.

Thank you for answering my previous question Dr. Lane, but i have another question.

I have been fighting my thoughts of checking and have been accepting that everything that has happened to me in the past doesnt mean im gay. My worrying and thought have died down alot. I sometimes spike when i see a gay character on TV but ive been trying to process it not to worry or check. Ive made alot of progress. Ive been trying to fight this on my own and ive been working hard at it, and im able to live and understand what is happening to me. Due to that i know what real and what isnt in my head and i dont let the fake thought get to me as much.

But this progress hasnt let me gain my sex drive back or my arousal back. This still causes my ocd and anxiety to linger and its really frustrating for me. I know when a girl is very good looking but i just cant feel anything toward them and it really frustrates me and makes me spike again cuz i ask my self "i must be gay if i dont feel arousal towards her and stuff."

Also ive had a girlfriend for a year and a half since this ocd has occured i have lost my attraction to her and kinda my love for her, that hurts me too, cuz i know i love her just my mind is telling me i dont. But when i start kissing her my arousal comes back and im to perform normally, but sometimes my mind ask my self what if this is a guy then i feel miserable during it and my erection gets softer and i feel terrible. And then my mind say you must be turning gay if your erection got softer during sex. This only happens sometimes.

I was thinking maybe since ive restricted my self from acting out on other girls because of my girlfriend for such a long time that can deminish my arousal and sex drive. Im not sure its just an idea.

So my question is, How long does it take to get my arousal back and sex drive back. and what are theories that cause it to be deminshed?

Thank you