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I have taken your advice Dr.lane...

My therapist approach is this, she would like to find the reason why I am getting the HOCD, she thinks whatever is causing my HOCD is serving me a purpose in some way (???). She wants to get to the bottom of this all and cure the root of this disease. I have also done some reasearch online too, it turns out I have what one would call spectrum HOCD, which means that a homo fantasy caused all this. The article specifies that I am not hanging off either side of the kinsey scale. But nonetheless I am still heterosexual, because for two reasons, one I am terrified of homosexual encounters and I could never be in love with another man. A real homosexual or bisexual would want to have homo encounters and could live a life with another man. I cannot. However, this article has reassured me in a way, but it has worsened my HOCD in another way. Before, there was still always a glimmer of hope that all this pain could end...and I could go on living life. But now, everytime I look in the mirror, I hate what stares back at me, I see the disgusting image that stares back at me, because this sh*t is in me, and it will never go away. I have lost all confidence, because I cant be this. That glimmer of hope is completely gone, I feel more deppressed than ever, I have talked to my therapist about my suicidal thoughts, I have been on suicide support sites. All they tell me is: it will get better, everything will get better. But I know that is BS, because it will always be part of me, and I want it to dissappear. I want it to go away, if it did, then maybe....just maybe it will get better. But it never will go away, and I am so deppressed. I am so sickened and so sad. I dont care about anything now..The truth has hit me so hard.

I think it is best to not try

I think it is best to not try to "diagnose" yourself. Not everything you read online is accurate, and their are many subtleties with most, if not all, disorders that an untrained person will understand or see.

I do agree with your therapist that all of this may be serving some purpose. I also think there may be more going on than HOCD.

I also HIGHLY recommend that you (as I have recommended several times before) put your energy and focus elsewhere. You seem to spend a signficant amount of time analyzing all of this, and it is NOT helping you at all. What it appears to be doing, most of the time, is creating unnecessary despair. You do NOT know what the future holds and you are jumping to dramatic conclusions that may not be the reality at all.

Start spending time on OTHER things (exercising, working on hobbies - or finding one if you don't have one, reading books or other things that have NOTHING to do with OCD, HOCD, sexual orientation - rather read things for FUN, and spend time with friends). I think you need to take a break (21 days at least) from all things HOCD except your therapy. That includes spending time on any site related to it in any way.

The more time you spend on this, I can almost guarantee, the worse you are going to feel. While the obsessive thoughts are going to be there much of the time, you do have some choice in what you DO with your time. But what you are currently doing is only making you worse.

Dr. Lane

What has helped me is to try

What has helped me is to try to solve the Rubik's Cube. I've also heard playing Angry Birds, etc can help. It takes your mind off it :)

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