Is this HOCD or not? So confused!

Hi BeHappy,

Based on everything you describe, this sounds a lot like symptoms of HOCD. If you were bisexual or lesbian, the thoughts of touching / kissing / having sex with another girl would be pleasant and appealing. They wouldn't be "gross and disgusting" or make you feel really anxious.

But, you are going to such extremes to avoid looking at girls, or hugging your friends, and so on, that you are feeding the anxiety - avoiding all those things are only making it MUCH worse. Avoidance reinforces the very thoughts that you don't want.

You actually hit the nail on the head with this:
"the only way the anxiety will go away is if I accept the gay thoughts. I don't WANT to do that."

That is actually the key to overcoming HOCD (granted, that's oversimplified, but it's the essential element). But, I realize, that is very scary to do because then you think that means you ARE gay. It doesn't. It just means that you are letting go of the fear of being gay. If you can allow the possibility to be okay, then your thoughts no longer have any power over you. Does that make sense?

I do encourage you to stop reading about other people's experiences or personal opinions about being gay, etc. It's perfectly normal to seek out same-sex friendships in childhood - it does NOT mean you are gay. And, if you were feeling lonely or had low self-esteem, it's no wonder you stuck to those friends like glue. Being "clingy" doesn't mean you were gay; it most likely meant you were feeling insecure.

Considering the degree of anxiety this is causing for you, my best recommendation is for you to see a psychologist (or other mental health professional) who specializes in (or has a lot of experience with) treating OCD. A skilled therapist can help you learn how to manage these obsessive thoughts.

As for the staring at girls who are pretty - that sounds more like envy and wishing you were like that (just as you said) and that's not the same as being sexually attracted to those girls - there's a big difference. Lots of teenage girls who don't feel good about their appearance both admire and wish they looked like the pretty girls at their school, in the magazines, and on TV. That's perfectly normal.

I hope this helps relieve some of your anxiety, although it will most likely be temporary if it does - because those HOCD thoughts are very compelling and they'll keep coming back until you can either come to peace with the possibility of being gay (i.e. accepting it and letting it be okay - which doesn't mean you are gay) or working with a therapist to learn how to manage the obsessive thoughts.

If you do seem treatment, I recommend working with a therapist who uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to treat OCD - it is one of the most effective types of therapy for OCD.

Thanks so much for responding Dr. Lane! You definitely helped relieve some of my anxiety. I just couldn’t get over how I had a clingy childhood AND I stared at girls. I thought that must mean I’m a lesbian! But it totally makes sense that it’s all just insecurity, because I have a speech impediment (which is diagnosed and treated), so I have no confidence or relationship-building/conversational skills. I just have a few questions I really hope you can answer.

1. When one’s dealing with OCD, it’s better to trust the thoughts one KNOWS happened than the ones that MIGHT have happened, right? For example, I know I’ve always liked guys. I have very vivid memories of trying to make them like me and acting like an idiot in doing so, haha. And if someone asked me to I can list all my past crushes easily. But I keep thinking maybe I liked girls without knowing, particularly the ones I clung to in my childhood, and it’s driving me insane. And also I keep wondering if maybe when I stared at girls I actually was sexually attracted to them and just never knew it.

2. Is the anxiety created by the thought itself or the compulsion related to getting rid of the intrusive thought? The other day I had an intrusive thought, “I can’t understand why girls like guys, they’re so unattractive” because I had been flipping through the sports section of the newspaper and this one guy was really not good looking. But the thought did NOT feel right to me. But no anxiety came! So, naturally, I freaked out. I’m thinking the anxiety’s caused by the rituals and the need to make the thought go away.

3. How do you know if a thought it ego-alien or ego-syntonic? Do you just inexplicably know? Like it’s a gut feeling? Whenever I have a gay thought I get this kind of knot in my stomach, which makes me think that it’s ego-alien. But sometimes I can’t tell the difference!

4. I don’t know if you can answer this one, but I’m just wondering how does someone know if they’re sexually attracted to someone?

5. When you say “accept the thoughts” do you mean don’t compulsively deny the intrusive thoughts, or do you mean accept the possibility that I might be gay? For example, if I think “you are gay” should I a) let the thought go or b) tell myself “if I am, it’s not the end of the world”?

6. Is it normal to find all girls pretty but not all guys handsome/hot/good-looking/etc? I have a very specific type of guy that I like, and I’m not boy crazy like my friends. My friends all like the stereotypical attractive guy, which there are tons of, and I like dorky, intelligent, artsy guys, which really there don’t seem to be many of, so I don’t get crushes very often and I don’t find every guy out there to be cute.

7. I shouldn’t trust TV shows right? For example in "Friends" Ross’ wife realizes she’s a lesbian and divorces him. That doesn’t happen in real life, does it? I’m not going to wake up one day after being married with kids for a long time and go “oh my goodness I’m gay!” am I?

8. Can HOCD produce arousal that feels real?

I also have this intense fear that when I get my first boyfriend and have my first kiss, I’ll feel nothing and that will confirm that my obsessive thoughts are true. Which really doesn’t make any sense, because before this HOCD I would watch a movie or something and there would be a straight sex scene and I would be totally turned on, whereas I was watching a show once that had lesbians kissing and I was kinda grossed out.

I am definitely going to gradually stop avoiding things that cause anxiety!

BeHappy :)

Hi Be Happy,

Here are my responses to your questions:

1) Yes. You can torture yourself endlessly with those “might have happened” thoughts. I’m pretty sure you would have known if you had “liked” girls back then, in the way that you know you liked and still like guys.

2) The anxiety is created by the thought. The compulsion or ritual is performed in order to relieve the anxiety – which it often does, at least temporarily.

3) You’ve been doing your homework! ;) Ego-syntonic thoughts will feel “right”; you won’t feel conflicted or anxious when you have them. Ego-dystonic or ego-alien thoughts won’t sit well with you; they’ll feel “wrong” or “off” and will cause internal conflict and / or anxiety. So, your thoughts about having a romantic / sexual relationship with a guy are ego-syntonic, but your thoughts about having that type of relationship with a girl are ego-dystonic. I hope that makes sense.

4) When you’re physically/sexually attracted to someone, then the idea of being physically intimate with that person - i.e. kissing, touching, having sex - is very appealing to you. You will likely feel “butterflies” when you are around that person as well.

5) Yes. Every time you try to deny or resist them, you give them power over you. You’re “feeding the monster”, so to speak. So, when the thought “you are gay” pops into your head, saying “If I am gay, that’s okay; it’s not the end of the world” is a good response. Letting it go is also appropriate, if you can do that. Think of those thoughts like a bully who’s taunting you. Bullies thrive on people’s fear and negative reactions. It’s no fun to them it they’re ignored (although they might try harder at first) or once they realize you don’t care what they say.

6) Well, it’s not really normal to find “all” girls pretty, because everyone has different tastes and girls vary drastically in their appearance. But nor should you find all guys attractive either. There is nothing wrong with the fact that you aren’t attractive to the same type of guy as your friends. You have a distinct type and that’s perfectly fine. That makes you uniquely you. Everyone is different in terms of their “type”.

7) I definitely wouldn’t put much, if any, weight into TV shows. The scenario on Friends was not very realistic. While many gay people will deny their homosexuality (often out of fear of how others will react, or due to religious beliefs) and marry and have a family with someone of the opposite sex, they usually know deep down they are gay. They don’t just suddenly wake up one day and realize they’re gay. Rather, they finally admit it to themselves and others and make a choice to live a life that aligns with their true self.

8) Yes, many people with HOCD have reported feeling aroused, but usually it’s a different type of arousal that’s due more to anxiety rather than true sexual attraction. However, that being said, we’re all sexual beings and sexual thoughts, situations, and scenarios can trigger arousal even if it’s not aligned with a person’s specific sexual orientation (hope that makes sense).

9) That could very well happen – but if it does, it will most likely be because you’re just not really into him. It doesn’t mean you’re gay. Not every guy is going to stir those wonderful feelings in you – that’s absolutely normal.

I hope that helps!

Thank you for all your responses! :) I don't actually find "all" girls pretty, I used too broad of a word there. I've decided not to dwell on the past, because it's driving me mad trying to remember if I liked girls or was physically attracted to them when I KNOW I was/am attracted to guys. It's hard to do, but when I manage not to think about it, it works very well. I was just thinking, though, that sometimes when HOCD is at its worst for me, I'm resigned and I think "okay, you're a lesbian, you have been all along, don't bother fighting it" and it shuts up the voice for a while (although I feel off and want to cry), but then the next day the intrusive thoughts come right back. Is that accepting the thoughts, or is that just me attempting to accept being gay when I know deep down I'm not?

Also, for the past few days, I've decided to stop avoiding people and fighting the thoughts. It's actually worked rather well when I'm out and I feel straight again, and then as soon as I get home everything comes rushing back and I want to cry. So, I've realized I really need to get out more. I think being around girls makes me realize that I would NEVER want to be in a relationship with one. I don't really know how to explain it, it's like, they make what I'm fearing seem real and really not appealing, whereas when I'm at home by myself I just keep doubting and doubting and doubting and wondering if I COULD do that.

I really hope this goes away soon, so I'm going to work really hard on not avoiding girls and not fighting the thoughts! Thanks so much for your help!

BeHappy :)

Okay, so for the past few days, I’ve been exposing myself to the things I previously avoided, and I’ve tried to stop using rituals. It worked for a while, it really did, and soon no anxiety came when the intrusive thoughts did, and I was fine with seeing girls in the street and interacting with them. I also talked to a male classmate and remembered how much I like guys, so that helped. But then, it occurred to me that I really do not hate gay people at all, I don’t find their relationships disgusting (but I find the sexual aspect of them gross), I fully support them, etc. So then I thought "Oh my gosh does that make me gay?" Honestly, I always thought it just meant I was a straight girl who supports gay rights. But what if I’m not? But still no anxiety came. And I think I’m not freaking out as much as I should if it really is HOCD. I’m not panicking as much I’d like to. In fact sometimes I think I’m fine with the thoughts. I got aroused by a girl doing something sexual on a show and I didn’t get anxious. Somehow I got it in my mind that I really want to cuddle with a girl, I really want to be gay, I really want to look lovingly at a girl, and I know I don’t, it would just not be right, but my brain keeps telling me I do and I’m starting to believe it.

I'm really worried. Before there was always this part of me that knew I’m not gay, because I would try telling myself “okay you’re gay, get used to it” and I would feel off, but the obsessions would go away. Now when I think “you are gay” I feel the same as if I say “you are straight”. I used to look in the mirror and say out loud, “You are a lesbian. You like girls” just for a test, and it did NOT feel right. But now “you are straight, you like boys” doesn’t feel right either. I am so confused. Yesterday I just felt gay. I don’t know why. I think it was because of my outfit, it wasn’t very girly, it was how I think the stereotypical lesbian dresses, and by the time I realized that my outfit was not “straight” to me I was out and I couldn’t change. I was shopping and I kept thinking “buying this makes you gay”, I don’t know why, it wasn’t even a symbol that’s usually connected to LGBT, but I bought it anyways, thinking that’s how you conquer this.

I think this might be end of the HOCD, but I keep thinking that I only had it for two months and it should have lasted longer than that. I should be freaking out more. I think this is the so-called “backdoor spike”, but then, I’m not even freaking out. I’ve stopped obsessing. I don’t obsess about things I once didn’t do because I thought they were gay, for example I was crocheting and I needed to make a rainbow for a project. I didn’t want to, thinking a rainbow makes me gay, but I did anyways.
So is this the end, or is this me actually realizing I’m gay and accepting it?

It sounds like you are doing better, but my best guess is that the HOCD is still very much there. I don't think this is you "realizing you are gay and accepting it" - if that were the case, you wouldn't be worried and still feeling anxious.

You stated "I think I’m not freaking out as much as I should if it really is HOCD." This is a typical catch-22 for someone who starts feeling less anxious about the obsessive thoughts about being gay. It creates a no-win situation. The GOAL is that the thoughts no longer bother you, but, the HOCD kicks in and says "well, since you don't feel so anxious, then you must be gay". It's a no-win situation, unless you can accept that this is just another trick your mind is attempting to play on you.

You also said: "I really do not hate gay people at all, I don’t find their relationships disgusting (but I find the sexual aspect of them gross), I fully support them, etc. So then I thought "Oh my gosh does that make me gay?"

Supporting gay relationships and gay rights doesn't make YOU gay; it just makes you an open-minded person who respects the rights of others. Also, if you were gay, you wouldn't find the sexual aspect of gay relationships to be "gross".

You're doing great and it sounds like you've made a lot of progress, but you're also expecting to have this all resolve and go away quickly, and that usually isn't the case. It's a process that often takes a lot of time. This is also why working with a therapist can be very beneficial, rather than trying to do it on your own.

So, bottom line, I don't think any of the things you brought up indicate you are gay; rather, they are most likely manifestations of HOCD symptoms.

Thank you so much! I was panicking, because I thought I should be getting anxious because of these thoughts and I wasn’t, so I was so confused! I just have a few more questions.

1. Can OCD rituals sometimes only work somewhat/not at all?

2. OCD can twist facts and rewrite the past, right? I was reading something on lesbianism (before I posted here), and now my brain keeps shoving the stuff I read at me and saying “you want this!” And I know it’s just the stuff I read being distorted into a false desire.

3. I honestly don’t care when guys take their shirts off unless it’s a guy I really like or find really attractive (and of course girls in revealing clothing have no effect on me except perhaps the odd "groinal response"). Is this okay? My friends, on the other hand, squeal excitedly when any guy takes his shirt off. So I keep thinking, “you’re not excited because you’re secretly gay!” and I’m frustrated.

4. I have periods of time where I just FEEL gay and I don't feel right, but they're shorter than the amount of time I feel straight and right. Is that the HOCD?

5. Can HOCD make you think you like something you really don't? I have impulses to kiss girls and they're revolting but my mind keeps saying "you really want this" and I get really stressed out.

6. I also have this thing where I can’t hang out with just one person. It’s kind of stupid, but I just think going out with one person seems like a date. I think this with mostly my girl friends, but also sometimes my relatives too (which is creepy I know). Is this a part of the HOCD?

7. I feel like I've become obsessed with words related to the gay community. What's up with that?

Thanks for your help! I hope to get a therapist. :)

To answer your questions:

1) Yes. That's not unusual at all. But when you do them, and they provide even a small amount of relief, that just reinforces the vicious circle.

2) Yes, most people with HOCD report similar things; unfortunately, reading those things (that you found) may not be the best thing to do for your HOCD.

3) I think it sounds like you are a lot more mature and selective than your friends! Most people aren't turned on by just anyone - just those whom they find attractive.

4) The key is that when you FEEL gay, it doesn't feel right, but it feels right when you feel straight. So yes, not uncommon with HOCD.

5) Absolutely! Many people with different types of OCD experience impulses and urges that are disgusting to them or completely against their nature. The vast majority of people never act on them, but they're distressing nonetheless.

6) Yes, most likely. It sounds like you're doing this to avoid feeling any anxiety that may occur if it's just you and the other person. If you continue to avoid hanging out with just one person, that will reinforce your anxiety.

7) Most likely just more of the HOCD. You're highly sensitive to anything related to being gay, including words.

I hope that helps!

Hi, thanks so much again for your responses! I have six more questions I really hope you can answer!

1. OCD in any form can go away and come back, right? Like, for example, I could be totally fine and straight for a few months and then BAM, go weeks doubting myself?

2. Can sexuality do a complete 180 in puberty? I remember when I was young (maybe around 8?) I played with dolls, and I made the boy doll kiss the girl doll; I remember having sexual fantasies about guys I liked back then, too. So that would be a definite reassurance that I'm straight, except I keep wondering if maybe puberty can change your sexuality!

3. I find the things that used to cause anxiety don't, or if they do, it's very minor. For example I'll read articles related to something/someone in the gay community with no anxiety. I'll get aroused by a girl and no anxiety will come but I'll want to cry. The "you are gay" thoughts do nothing to me.

4. If I'm listening to a song, my rituals (which came back, sadly) will be in tune to the song; they'll become like lyrics. I dunno why.

5. I read a while back that HOCD sufferers don't accept that it's OCD right away, but people in denial do. This made me so depressed, because I'm pretty sure I did accept that it's OCD right away. I do doubt it, still; I ask "what if it's not OCD?".

6. Okay, so, in pop culture my favorite characters in things are always the guy. For example Ron's my favorite character in "Harry Potter" and I can't stand Hermione. I keep wondering if a) the guy is my favorite because I find them attractive or b) the guy is my favorite because I would identify as the guy in a lesbian relationship! Which is totally irrational, I know, but it's bugging me.

Thanks SO much in advance! :)

I'll do my best to answer your questions:

1. Yes; stress can trigger symptoms.

2. An abrupt 180 is not likely (although I can't say for 100% that it's never happened, but if so, it's probably rare). I think you are looking for things to support your obsessive thoughts. You've always felt straight and been interested in boys, so trust that.

3. That may be because you are doing better and no longer allowing the thoughts to bother you. But, many people do then start to question that as yet another sign that they are gay - it's a catch22 that is not uncommon with HOCD.

4. Not sure what your question is...

5. Please don't believe everything you read. There's a ton of inaccurate stuff out there based on nothing more than personal opinions. It's not that black and white, and I definitely don't agree with that statment, especially the assumption that people in denial "accept that it's OCD right away".

6. I think you are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy overthinking things! You're trying to find things to support that you're gay, and that one is really a stretch!

Thank you thank you thank you!! :)

I overthink things, everything, even things that are totally unimportant. I know that. It's a problem I have and I've no idea how to stop.

It's like my brain is going out of its way to convince me that I'm gay. I know I am straight. I know, that up until around three months ago, I never doubted it.

I am going to work on stopping overanalyzing and occupying my mind with other things, and I am hopefully going to seek therapy. I just have to convince my mom first.

One (hopefully) final question: is there anything I can do by myself without the help of a therapist?

Thanks SOOOOOO much for your help!! I am so grateful you have no idea!! :)

EDIT: So I had a great day today, I wondered about being bisexual but managed to disregard the thoughts. BUT, then, I was sitting in one of my classes and I was really warm, so I was really uncomfortable, and I was talking to my friend, and I had a impulse to kiss her, and I got this sensation in my mouth, and it lingered, and I wanted to cry.

Okay, no matter how hard I try to let the thoughts go or say "whatever" to them, I just can't shake that I'm bisexual (I know I'm not a lesbian--I would've been attracted to girls my whole life if that was the case). Just when I'm fine and straight, I remember something that screams that I'm bisexual. For example I notice girls before I notice guys. I always thought that was because I thought they were pretty. I feel different from my friends. I always thought that was because I like to think I'm more mature than them, but I keep thinking it's because I'm not straight. I was watching a modelling competition on TV and the photo shoot had a girl and a guy posing naked (but the private areas were blurred out) and I felt nothing at the sight of seeing the guy and I got a groinal response when I saw the girl. But I KNOW I never ever used to like female bodies. I remember going swimming and in the changing room someone was naked and I was grossed out, not aroused whatsoever (before HOCD). And then there's how I was clingy as a child. And I remember being turned on by girls before and I always ran into my room, depressed. What if I liked the arousal and was just afraid of being bisexual, instead of hating the arousals? And then there's the fact that it never used to bother me how I only ever noticed and stared at girls because I didn't think it meant anything!! And sometimes my rituals just don't work at all and I have to shout "OKAY FINE I'M GAY/BISEXUAL!" for the anxiety to go away, but I feel like crying!

Aaaaaargh. I know I'm supposed to accept uncertainty but I just can't!! I feel like everything that makes it HOCD could also be taken as denial. I hate this.

So you honestly think I'm straight, Dr. Lane?

I'm sorry for replying so much. I'm so grateful for your help.

your having alot of the symptoms I'm having Ive had HOCD for almost 2 months and I'm really freaked out about it too Dr. Lane's responses to your questions are helping me alot

Hi BeHappy,

My apologies for not responding sooner - the site is getting a lot of spammers and sometimes I miss a question as a result.

Your brain is clearly on overdrive! Remember, rituals really don't work in the long run anyway - at best they provide very temporary relief, but I encourage you to not engage in them and allow yourself to feel the anxiety, but to use relaxation exercises (you can find several if you search online; such as deep breathing, progressive relaxation, etc) and do one of those instead of a ritual.

Overall, I still lean strongly towards HOCD rather than denial. I think right now you could easily twist just about every experience into meaning you're really gay, but that's what HOCD does. So, that's where working with a therapist is so beneficial - to sort through all the chaos and confusion going on in your brain right now.

I also encourage you (I apologize if I've already said this, but I don't think I have) to make a list of why being a lesbian would be so horrible (in your mind). Write down everything that comes to mind (e.g. my family will reject me, I'll lose friends, etc - whatever is true for you). THEN, go through your list and refute each one of those, just as you would if you were talking to a close friend who might actually be gay) - I hope this makes sense. In other words, really challenge all the negative things that you associate with being gay; most likely, most of them are blown way out of proportion in your mind right now. In cognitive behavioral therapy, it's called "awfulizing" something.

For example, someone who keeps saying it would be the end of the world if they didn't get into the top school - it wouldn't really be the end of the world; they'd end up going to another school and still having a great life, but they're "awfulizing it" for now....does that make sense? When you can make the "shift" that it wouldn't be horrible and awful if you were a lesbian (I'm NOT saying or suggesting you are!!!), and allow that possibility to be okay, then it will take the power out of these thoughts that keep plaguing you. But again, that's a bit over-simplified, and doing all of this face to face with a therapist would be much better, because you can go much more in depth, get feedback, strategize, etc. But please try doing this exercise for now.

As for the impulse to kiss your friend - many people with OCD (not just HOCD) struggle with disturbing impulses (that's a frequent symptom of the disorder). They almost never act on these impulses, but the fact that they experience them causes significant anxiety (just as your impulse to kiss your friend did for you). So, remember, that doesn't mean your gay; rather, it's very likely another manifestation of HOCD. You may also be noticing / staring at girls more than ever because of all the anxiety you're experiencing right now - again, not uncommon with HOCD and it does not mean you're gay or bisexual.

I hope this helps!

Hiya! Thanks so much! I do understand what you're saying, and I tried that, and it did work, and I had an okay few weeks (since you last responded). My obsessions weren't nearly as bad as they used to be, I got my attraction to guys back, girls stopped freaking me out, etc. But there are six things that currently freak me out.

1. That I didn't freak out enough at the beginning, I think I actually believed I was gay for a few days, and then I REALLY started freaking out because I realized that duh, of course I'm not.
2. That what drove me to stare at girls was subconscious attraction. Sometimes I just could not stop staring no matter how hard I tried.
3. Lately everything seems forced. It feels like I'm really forcing myself to do my compulsions, like not sitting near girls, like thinking "no I am not gay" whereas before my compulsions just came more naturally, if that makes any sense. Aaaaaaand of course my brain takes this to mean "you're forcing yourself because you're in gay denial" which doesn't make any sense because I think if I truly was in gay denial my brain wouldn't be telling me that I am, haha.
4. I keep doubting whether I was just going through the motions of liking guys and if I truly was attracted to them. I keep wondering if maybe I liked guys because I had to not because I wanted to.
5. If I tell myself "if I'm gay that's not the end of the world" sometimes my brain takes that to mean I'm accepting being gay! But really I have learned that being gay wouldn't be the end of the world, I'm not nearly as scared of it as I used to be because I know I'm not.
6. I feel like my brain is seeking out things from the gay culture to prove that I am gay. Like I'll overhear a conversation where people are talking about gay people or I'll read an article accidentally on LGBT or something like that. And some days I just think "my HOCD is a denial tool and this will lead to acceptance that I am gay" or something like that and I'll freak out.

Oh also I have a question.

1. When I get better, how do I forget everything that happened during my OCD? My thoughts and impulses haunt me and I just want to forget about them.

The worst part is I haven't had bad anxiety in over a month. Sometimes I have little fits of anxiety, but it goes away, and then I just keep obsessing with no anxiety, and some things that should make me obsess just don't (like this guy keeps implying I'm gay and I don't know why he is but I'm not doing anything about it at all). I know you said this is a catch-22 of OCD but this is driving me INSANE!!

Thank you for all your help!! :)

Hi BeHappy,

Overall, it sounds like you're making a lot of progress. But, as is typical of HOCD, doing better seems to trigger even more doubts!!

To address number 5: That's a common problem, and it's best to work with a therapist on this because it becomes a catch22 (which is true of a lot of what you described and why therapy can really help). The main thing (and again, easier said than done) is to stop "awfulizing" being gay. That's not the same as saying, "Okay, I'm gay". For many (if not most) people with HOCD, being gay is the scary monster under the bed (that's not really there but FEELS so real) so to speak. They build it up in their mind to be such a horrible and awful thing that it just feeds their anxiety - the more awful and terrible the more intense their anxiety - does that make sense? So, by recognizing the monster is nothing more than a harmless shadow caused by the light, it's no longer scary (not the best analogy but I hope it sort of makes sense!). So, what you're describing is normal.

Number 6 - very common with HOCD.

As for your question - you probably won't forget any of this. And that's okay. In time though, as you get better, the memories will be further back in your mind and you'll rarely think about them. But most people don't truly "forget" things that had a significant emotional impact on their life. And that's okay. For now, I would encourage you to not worry about forgetting this - that's the future. It will fade with time.

I'm GLAD you haven't had "bad anxiety" in over a month. Celebrate that!! :)

BeHappy, hi I have literally the exact same problem as you and I'm just wondering did you ever get over it? I'm the same age as you and female! Please reply thankyou :)

same is the confusion here..

dr lane if you could check out my post and rply to it aswell thatd be great. pleaase

Dr. Lane, I need your help! I hope you can reply to my post.

I am a 17 year old girl who believes she has HOCD.
When I was younger, I was ALWAYS boy-crazy. The first time I felt aroused was because of a boy. Sex dreams have always been about guys. I have always been interested and sexually attracted to guys, and when I fantasize about them, it feels good.

I have been doubting my heterosexuality very badly this year, ever since I thought I liked my friend even though there is no attraction. The HOCD started at 15. I freaked out because I was falling asleep and as you fall asleep, of course random images pop in your head and they don't ever really mean anything, but my same-sex friend's face popped up and I FREAKED. Of course it's normal to find your friends pretty, but I absolutely hated how I had no control that this image popped up of her face and that I thought it meant something. I had a very bad panic attack that night.

I've had relapses and relief for the past 6 months. I mean, I guess I could be bisexual, but I morally don't believe in that? You can either be gay or straight, there's no in between? Because if you're bisexual, it always seems to me that bisexuals end up turning gay. And if a bisexual is in a heterosexual relationship, well it seems to me that they are truly just straight. It's very black and white. Even if I was bi, I would only want relationships with men. I've had harm ocd and HIV ocd but nothing gets me down in the dumps, distracted, and anxious like HOCD. I don't know what to do. I have always felt aroused and orgasmic because of guys, I love fantasizing about guys, but lately my HOCD tells me that even if I can have pleasurable thoughts about men, my OCD will always stay or come back. So how could I be bi/gay? My head keeps trying to find answers and wastes hours and really makes everything worse. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Derp,

Based on what you describe, I doubt you are gay or bisexual. It sounds like you are struggling with the anxiety and obsessive thoughts that are symptoms of HOCD (that's not an official diagnosis, btw).

You're right - we don't have control over the images that pop into our heads when we're asleep. It's very typical to have images and dreams about people we know - past and present. But, since you say you have a history of OCD, then it's not surprising that you are now obsessing about this.

I do need to refute your statement that sexuality is "very black and white". It's not. Rather, it's more of a continuum. There are a lot of people who do fall somewhere in between straight and gay. Some choose to live strictly as a straight person or as a gay person, while others are actively bisexual. But you're making a lot of assumptions about bisexual individuals that aren't supported by actual facts. Someone who is truly bisexual doesn't "end up turning gay".

The fact that you are "moralizing" being bisexual may also be fueling your anxiety. You see, most people who struggle with HOCD inadvertently fuel their own anxiety by telling themselves that being gay would be a horrible, awful, terrible thing. They spend all their time and energy fighting and resisting the obsessive thoughts, and that makes things worse, because it perpetuates the anxiety.

If this is causing you significant distress, I think the best thing for you would be to work with a therapist - preferably someone who has a lot of experience in treating OCD and who also uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as part of their treatment approach. With your history of other types of OCD, I think therapy would definitely be in your best interest so you can learn how to manage obsessive thoughts (of any kind) when they appear.

I hope this helps!

Genital every person is different , because his fingerprints are happy in the relationship and the role of penis size is not important. At least you should not be so stupid escorts money to the program , medication or advice on what is more or more! Although the large body of men is very limited opportunity to make a woman reach orgasm, if it is not a good lover, and I do not know sex guide the proper procedures of sex and most likely it is the cause of the disease rather than a pleasure.

Hey there,

I am 19 year old girl.
I have skim read your post and totally understand you!!
I have been there and TRUST me, you WILL be OKAY!
It was probably a couple years ago when I went through the whole phase of HOCD and it felt horrible. It got soo bad to the point where I couldn't even go into a shop because I was scared that they may think 'im gay'.
Paranoia struck me like someone being constantly paranoid because they were too friking high on whatever. I actually can't remember how it all stopped to be honest, I think my mind just eventually got over it in the end and I'accepted' what ever the result even though I knew with all my heart that I would never be bi or gay as I have never been interested in it and the fact that my anxiety levels were extreme when ever I saw a homo couple on tv. Not that I have anything against gays which is probably why I questioned myself "If I don't think anything is wrong, maybe I'm that way inclined?" I was rather freaked out by it all. Now I can just laugh at the whole matter and even if a thought creeps in it doesn't bother me and I hardly ever think about it. The only reason I'm actually on this site is because at the moment I'm going through intense anxiety (worse than my previous) but it's about something else- something id much rather not mention yet since I am still waiting to get over and recover. The day it stops I will be able to think properly again because this one is much bigger than HOCD and I think since I was so frightened by my initial thought FEAR CONSUMED me and took over my brain. I know this prob sounds funny and stupid as I think I am stupid in the head right now but actually it isn't funny at the same time it's serious haha. Anyways how are u going? I hope you know u will be okay and I have learnt that Acceptance is the key in life, it's until your brain registers the fact. Sometimes it takes a while because it becomes a dumb cycle.