please help

Brandon,

I know you are very distressed. Punching the wall is not going to help - in fact, you may end up injuring yourself. You might, however, seriously want to consider getting a punching bag - that's a good way to get out your anger and frustration without hurting yourself.

I really encourage you to go back and read prior responses I have given you. I really can't add anything to what I've already said. The nature of this disorder is that there will always be something more to trip you up and make you question everything. That's why you need therapy.

If it means taking on a part time job to pay for it, I strongly encourage you to make getting into therapy your top priority. Even if you can go only twice a month - that would still be helpful. Sometimes, just starting treatment and feeling hope is extremely helpful to people.

I hope you are able to find a way to get into treatment. You are worth it, and this disorder does not have to control your life.

I havent been doing good at all and i have tried to stop posting, but i just dont know how this can make it seem like i want it or make it seem like i am attracted i just done get it and its really pissing me off. I say i dont want it but why does it seem like o ya i wud want to do that i just dont want to, atleast i dont think i do i dont even know this is ruining my life right now, and its starting to really worry me because i dont want that lifestyle i just dont.

Brandon,

Again, I don't really have anything to add to what I've already said. I think this is most likely the HOCD playing tricks on your mind. I know that telling yourself that probably isn't enough - and I also suspect you don't believe what I'm telling you.

I will encourage you again to find a therapist to work with on a regular basis to help you through this.

k in the past month that i have went without posting has not gone the greatest, but i finally met a girl and we mite start dating, i dont know about that actually anymore but for the most part when im with her and we r talking the thoughts usually are gone. Then wen we r done hanging out they r back. When im at work is when its horrible because it seems like im almost attracted to every guy there but i say im not, and that sounds alot like denial. Today it was so bad i wud think am i attracted to them? no im not, yes i am actually and then again i wud think no im not, which also doesnt sound good. Also the memories whether fake or real are starting to drive me nuts too, i know some of them are real, and its almost like i am not straight at all, and it keeps seeming like im in denial and i cant take it, i say im straight but does that even mean anything. Everytime i think that i want to be straight and want to get rid of these thoughts, it makes me feel like i dont, and i dont know why so i feel like im just saying that stuff so i dont admit it, and that is also making me go insane. yes i k u said get some professional help but i dont want to, and another thing is im starting to think that telling people wud be bad and thats another reason i am worried that its denial and ill just say no i really dont want to be with a guy or anything like that or even like them, but then it will almost seem like i do want to and it seems like its denial and thats really freaking me out. please help i dont care who helps but neone

I have still not been doing the best, and since i posted last i now have a girlfriend, wen im with her the thoughts dont come often unless someone mentions something about gay or bi or lesbians, then i just feel uncomfortable, then i wonder why shud i feel uncomfortable if im not gay or bi. The memories r starting to make me think that i have always been attracted to guys, but i never had a crush on a guy or anything, i dont even know if i was attracted to guys or if i just think i was because i think this mite have started earlier than i thought like high school, i just never really worried too much about it, and thats really starting to not help. I also think about wut everyone wud think if if i was gay or bi, why am i thinking that if im not. When im at work i think about those things all day and i drives me crazy. I read somewhere that it is ok to think that some guys are attractive but i still dont like thinking that, and i dont want to even imagine that. The one thing i thought was the only good thing that i had going was my past and now thats gone. Now i dont know if i was attracted to the people in high school or if it was ocd that early. When i was a kid it was always girls, high school it was always girls but idk its weird, it seems like i mite have thought some guys were attractive or hopefully it was just me worrying if i thought that. Sometimes i think things that dont sound good and it ruins my day. Im honestly so sick of this, i dont want it anymore everything i say it just seems like denial.

Today was probably one of the worst days because i basically admitted to myself that the reason i wont come out of the closet is because i am afraid of what people will think, why would i be afraid of wut people wud think if im not even gay or bi, i dont understand why im thinking this. I was thinking about it all day i just wanted to started punching and just let out all my anger but i couldnt do that wen i was at work. There was a few times in the day where i would just think, i dont want to be with a guy so wut am i worried about, and it seemed like it was all ok again, but that only lasted for a couple seconds. The reason im telling u this is because i dont get y i wud say that if im straight and its scaring me because i think its almost true, that if i actually wasnt straight and wanted to come out, i dont know if i wud because of wut people wud think. Now my head is one big mess, y dont i wanna tell my parents, or friends, these are making me think that im in denial and its freaking me out. My girlfriend and i were talking the other day and she asked me if i wud date her if she was a lesbian and i said yes, and she said she wudnt date me if i was gay and it made me worried which doesnt make sense, y wud i worry about that if i was straight, or gay, i just dont understand it, and also last week i was thinking about this stuff all day and about my girlfriend and the thought came through my head this is making me feel like im living a lie, or i feel like im living a lie or something like that, y am i thinking this? Its really driving me insane, and the last how long i feel this urge to tell everyone im in the closet it makes me so mad. I still get the thoughts also saying if i dont do this that means im gay or bi, its just like stupid rituals and stuff. Please help me, because i feel the nightmare is coming true.

Brandon,

As I've said before, I think all these things are likely symptoms of HOCD. I am here to answer readers' questions, but I can't provide therapy to you or any other readers here.

I strongly recommend that you find a therapist (preferably someone who is experienced in treating OCD using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to work with on an ongoing basis. Your choice. If you have health insurance, it may pay for at least some of your treatment.

I have been struggling with some thoughts recently, from when i was in high school when i would take a shower, i would look at myself, and i dont know why. Also in school while in the locker rooms taking showers i would sometimes look at other people, i dont understand why and now im actually freaking out about this. Lately the thoughts of my girlfriend have been horrible, thinking im only with her because im covering, and i dont like her, its hard missing her and caring for her when my mind thinks like that all day. i need therapy but wut if im not straight and looking at myself and others means im gay or bi, im freaking out because of this. Im going to try and fight these thoughts, but its worse than ever.

Also when someone brings gay or bi up i get really uncomfortable and think i am righ away i dont know why, and i always worry wut my parents wud say if i was but that sounds horrible, why wud i care if im straight, and i makes me think ive just been pretending to be straight, i just dont get this, i have almost no hope anymore at all.

Brandon,

Based on the pattern you've described, I really think you are going to continue to always have something "freak you out" or convince you that you are gay or "covering" - until you get help for this.

The best way to get to the root and determine whether or not this is HOCD or you're just "pretending" to be straight is to get into therapy. I can't provide therapy via this website. My role here is to answer questions.

A skilled therapist (preferably someone who uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and who is experienced in treating OCD) can help you with all these issues you keep posting here. But you have to make the decision that it's time to get help.

If you don't want to get help, then the best way (and this is oversimplified) to overcome the anxiety is to accept the possibility that you're gay (which is not the same as saying "I'm gay" - I hope you can see the difference) and let it be OKAY. But as long as you tell yourself that being gay would be the most horrible, awful, terrible thing in the world, those thoughts are going to tear you apart.

If you stop fighting them, they no longer have power over you. Granted, that's easier said than done, but that's where therapy comes in. Please find a therapist soon.