Ups and Downs

Hi Josh,

Thank you for starting a new thread! :)

I'm really glad to hear you've been doing so well, and again, commend you for the courage and hard work you've put into helping yourself.

Now, I suspect you can already anticipate my response! This sounds like more tricks from the "HOCD bully". And groinal feelings and slight movements are not uncommon - you are human, and thus a sexual being. I strongly encourage you to not give much weight to those physical responses. (I realize that's easier said than done.)

The new obsessive thought that "every woman I see is a man" is not surprising, considering that transsexual incident that occurred a while back. That's your mind playing more tricks on you, trying to trip you up and cause you to doubt.

I'm not quite sure I followed your statement about "ignoring an attraction what doesn't exist"... did you mean that IF you don't check, you're ignoring an attraction that does exist? Regardless, that feeling that you HAVE to check is not unusual; but it's best to not check as that tends to reinforce the vicious cycle.

You're last statement is spot on! Remind yourself that these are just thoughts; tricks of the "HOCD bully". When you feel the urge to check, divert your attention to something else.

Keep doing what's been working. Even though the "content" has changed, the way to handle it hasn't. This is still a very vulnerable area for you, so these setbacks are not unusual or uncommon. That doesn't make them any less frustrating or troubling, but hopefully with each incident it will become easier and easier for you to remember and accept that they are just thoughts and keep moving forward!

Hello Dr. Lane,

Thank you for replying.

I try to not give the physical responses much weight and laugh at them, but sometimes they catch me off guard and give me a full punch of anxiety. Every time I get these physical responses they come with anxiety such as sweaty, fast heart rate, lump in throat, harder to breath, tingling all over my body, my eyes get a bit blurred and I get like a shot of adrenaline feeling. That's not attraction that's more like a panic. I hardly get much reassurance from checking anymore so I don't know why I do it.

The 'ignoring an attraction that doesn't exist' took me a while to work out what I wrote as well :). By it I mean if I don't react/check arousal to the thoughts and images then my mind convinces me I'm denying/ignoring an attraction to transsexuals even though that attraction never has existed. Every time I check I get no arousal to it, so my mind is convincing me I'm in denial of it, if I don't defend myself and prove I am not attracted to transsexuals. If I put in an example its like I know I don't like apples but if I don't keep checking to see if I like apples, I feel like I'm denying the inner desire to have apples even though I know I have no interest in them :). I don't know if I explained that very well, Its hard to translate into writing sometimes because you can't portray the full meaning.

I remember about a month ago I was saying I didn't have anxiety and panic attacks, so I didn't have OCD. Now I do its even worse. Its a case of being careful of what you wish for.

I seem to find it easier to help others rather than myself.

Thanks again,
Josh

Hi Josh,

Yes, that makes sense (regarding what you were trying to say). Remember, though, that it's essentially the same thing, but now instead of "fear of being gay and that you might be in denial", it's "fear of being attracted to transsexuals and that you might be in denial". Not at all unusual. But remember, all that checking doesn't ever give you any relief. As much as you can, handle this the same way you did the original fears (which it sounds like you are already doing); in time, hopefully they will become less powerful and anxiety-provoking.

As for your response, it sounds like you may be having full blown panic attacks, which are, essentially, a rush of adrenalin - the "fight or flight" response to perceived danger. One of the things you can do when that panic feelings strike is slow, deep breathing. The panic attacks, though, are triggered by the scary story that's playing out in your head.

I really hope, at some point, you are able to get into therapy. While I'm very glad some of the self-help tips I've offered here have been beneficial to you, they aren't intended to take the place of therapy.

As for finding it easier to help others than yourself - that's not at all unusual. With others, you're detached emotionally, which also allows you to be much more objective. It's much more difficult to be objective when it's something deeply personal and your emotions are in high gear!

Hello Dr. Lane,

I have calmed down a little bit the past two days.

I don't think that it is anything to do with transsexuals or men that I get these physical responses. It seems to be the fact that I concentrate on my groin that I start to feel movement or the groinal responses. I don't need to think about anything sexual and concentrate on my groin and it moves. If I keep looking for a reaction, I'm going to cause it. There is hardly a moment in the day where I am not concentrating on my groin when the thoughts come into my mind.

When the thoughts come and I start feeling in a bit of a panic I slow down my breathing (as you said) and feel a lot less panic. I've also got to stop letting these thoughts overwhelm me to the point of testing with arousals. Its obvious that I'm not attracted to men or transsexuals after hundreds of testing but as I said before my mind convinces me I am. I don't anyone who was actually attracted to them would never have had one erection and have panic attacks with the thoughts of being attracted.

There are times I think how stupid I am for thinking about this because there is nothing in it but thoughts. If I keep overthinking and testing every inch of this, its going to create more and more problems.

I've searched for therapists but they are no OCD therapists in my area. My dad as also been on a waiting list to see a therapist for 8 months now. Its quite ridiculous in the UK. It would be beneficial but the closest I found was 60 miles away and quite expensive.

Lots of males have made the same mistakes I did like you said some transsexuals look very convincing because of lots of surgery and make up but when I see them as males there is no attraction there, so that proves I have no attraction for them.

Thanks for your advice,
Josh.

Hi Josh,

Remember, the fear of being in denial is very common with HOCD. It's another way of the HOCD bully trying to trip you up and make you doubt. Treat it just as you have been treating other troubling obsessive thoughts.

I am so sorry it's next to impossible to get into therapy where you live. Don't get me wrong; I'm glad some of the tips I've provided have been helpful to you, and I'm so glad for you that you've been doing so much better overall. I just always want to be clear to anyone who comes to this site that I can't provide therapy, and my responses are never meant to take the place of therapy, which I always recommend. I wish every reader who comes here, struggling with OCD, could get into therapy as soon as possible with a therapist who is truly qualified in treating OCD. Unfortunately, so many people don't have the resources or are unable to find a qualified therapist to work with.

Keep doing the things that you know work for you. Also, please don't think of yourself as "stupid" for any of this. OCD is a complex, challenging disorder that impacts millions of people. I hope you can really be proud of the progress you've made, which has taken a lot of determination, courage, and hard work! You are ANYTHING but stupid!

And yes, this is true: "If I keep overthinking and testing every inch of this, its going to create more and more problems." BUT, don't beat yourself up when you find yourself over-thinking or giving in to the compulsion to check. You're human and not perfect; it's a process. When those things happen, as soon as you catch yourself doing them then do your best to stop, shift your focus, breathe deeply, and keep moving forward.

And keep up the good work! :)

Hello Dr. Lane,

I had a really good week again up until yesterday. I had a major spike because I had the slightest movement and it felt like the start of an erection to the transsexual thoughts. I had managed to get on top of the transsexual thoughts again and tell myself how ridiculous they were, which I explained in my last post. I had another full week without looking at porn to check but yesterday was the first time in a while. I still get physical reactions and anxiety but the less I process the thoughts and reactions the less effect they have.

I know its just another idea again because last week when I got over the transsexual thoughts it turned into just men again and I feared I was attracted to men and now its switched back to transsexuals. It just keeps switching constantly but they are just other ideas my mind is using to exploit my main fear. I need to stop the testing again and processing the thoughts because that's where the damage is coming from.

I still keep thinking as well that I am blocking arousal to these thoughts but I see that as impossible.

Also a guy who got over HOCD said I should look at transsexual porn for 20 mins everyday to expose myself to it and show myself that these groinal responses and slight movements mean nothing. Is this a good idea? Should I stop testing or expose myself to it?

I'm going to try and use the advice you me in the last paragraph of your last post and try to move forward.

Thanks,
Josh.

Hi Josh,

I would not recommend you follow the advice of the guy who got over HOCD, because I suspect it would just cause you much more anxiety - especially if you felt some movement while watching. That sort of thing (a form of "exposure therapy") is ALWAYS best done under the guidance of a therapist who knows how to treat OCD.

It's, of course, up to you; but think about it: you had a "major spike" when you felt movement just to a transsexual thought, so if that happens while watching transsexual porn every day, do you think you can handle it? My concern is that you would misinterpret that as "evidence" (that you're attracted to transsexuals or that you're gay), rather than that it "means nothing".

You've made so much progress it would be very unfortunate if you followed his advice and it set you way back. You've already found that you do pretty well when you DON'T test, right? And I think this would put you back in "testing" mode. Not to mention, watching porn daily is going to put all of this keenly in your mind every day, which I highly doubt would be a good thing for you if you're not working with a therapist who can guide you along the way.

I hope that helps!

Hi Josh,

While I understand what he is saying, he's also missing the point (and I strongly suspect he is not a mental health professional). Exposure therapy CAN be extremely effective - when done correctly under the guidance of a skilled therapist. But trying to do it on your own (as he suggested) can potentially be disastrous.

I often tell people that avoidance (e.g. avoiding hanging out with one's same sex friends out of fear you'll be "attracted" to one of them) is not a good idea, because that reinforces the very things you don't want to reinforce. But, that doesn't mean a daily diet of transsexual or gay porn is a good idea either. Just because you're not watching it doesn't mean you are "avoiding" it, as he is indicating.

I think the other (second) guy's comment is much more accurate, although hard for someone with HOCD to accept as true.

There will always be well-meaning individuals online eager to tell you how to get over your HOCD based on their own experience. But, just because something worked for them (or so they say - often there's more to the story), doesn't mean it will work for you. Therapists tailor therapy to the individual - it's not a "one-size fits all" approach. The basic principles (e.g., of CBT) are the same, but each individual is unique and must be treated with that in mind. And again, trying to do something like exposure therapy on your own, rather than under the guidance of an experienced therapist, can do more harm than good.

Hi Josh,

First, it is really good to hear from you and how you are doing. For what it's worth, I am thrilled to hear that you had 3 to 4 weeks of (if I understood correctly) NO HOCD symptoms!!! I do hope you realize how AWESOME that is compared to how much you were struggling when you first posted here!!!

Now, as I read through your two posts (and 1) NO need to apologize for anything and 2) I'm sorry for not responding sooner!!), it seems you've really answered your own questions and concerns (in other words, I agree with your conclusions) - EXCEPT for the part where you say "Maybe I found a way to deny it" (maybe I'm misreading that but it seems you're saying you somehow "blocked" the "real" response / attraction?? If so, that sounds like the HOCD bully trying to confuse you and cause you to doubt yourself again.

Now, remember, a physical reaction (including a full erection) to transexual porn (or gay porn) does NOT automatically mean you are gay. Sexual stimuli can elicit physiological responses for all sorts of reasons, but it's not A + B always = C (I hope that makes sense). We're sexual beings.

Consider this example (hopefully it will convey what I'm trying to get across): A straight female happens to see a nude photo of an attractive female, and feels a bit turned on by it. Now, some would be quick to say say, "Oh, that means she's lesbian or bisexual!" But the real reason she's turned on is because the photo triggers a sexual memory with her boyfriend, or she's projecting herself (i.e. putting herself into the photo in a sense) and imagining herself as the attractive, sexy, nude female who's attracting the attention of an attractive, sexy male... Does any of that make sense? Those thoughts may not even be conscious; rather, more in her subconscious, but they THOSE subconscious thoughts are what's REALLY turning her on; not the woman in the photo, per se.

That's why I say there's SO much more to sexual orientation than arousal itself (especially very occasional arousal - like 1 out of 50 times). But, with HOCD, it's very easy to jump to that conclusion - the one that sends you into this horrible panic.

Not to mention, the transexuals you're looking at LOOK like women, right? You can't discount that; even though you know they are males, they still LOOK like women - and I'm guessing, usually attractive women, right?

Also, please keep this in perspective. You watched the video 50+ times, and THEN had ONE reaction. ONE. And again, you were bombarding your brain with sexual images, so sex, in general, was on your mind...

You said in your first post above that you "have this feeling in your mind" that you're enjoying or attracted to the transexual porn images. That sounds like the HOCD bully as well, and not genuine enjoyment or attraction.

Do you have any idea what triggered this "relapse" (for lack of a better word)? Did something happen? Are you under more stress than usual? What made you suddenly feel (or give in to) the urge to check after several weeks of not having any of this on your mind? I'm not asking for my sake, but rather, if you are able to identify what things trigger this, then you can learn to either avoid them in the future, or at least know right away that it's just a temporary flare-up and nothing more (and that it WILL pass).

More than likely, this won't be the last time you'll have a relapse like this. One of the crucial things is what your tell yourself when it occurs. Hard as it is, it's important to remind yourself that this is the HOCD bully back to taunt you, and if you don't feed the bully (e.g. by checking and testing), he will very likely go away shortly. And during that time you have to keep focused on other things, do things to relax yourself if the panic and anxiety start to creep in, and know that it WILL pass (because you know from experience that it can, and that when you stop checking, your symptoms start to go away).

Okay, I think I've rambled plenty.

I understand your fear; the HOCD bully is extremely powerful and convincing; but nothing he says is TRUE, okay?

NOTHING you said in either posts remotely suggests you are really gay and in denial. It's all typical (unfortunately) of HOCD.

I hope that helps!

Hello Dr. Lane,

I hope you are well.

Its been three weeks again since I last posted, it seems like time is flying. For two and a half of those three weeks I was doing really well again and I didn't even look at any porn or do any testing in the slightest. I had like one or two thoughts in all that time and when they came I didn't give them the time of day. When my mind gets a break from it all I feel great, its like a whole lot of weight is taken off my shoulders.

Unfortunately as you may have guessed I have had another relapse. It always starts in a little sequence and I seem to finish looking at transsexual porn. I can't fully remember how the relapse started this time but I think it was a thought that I was attracted to my own penis that got stuck in my head and then I took a downward spiral into looking at gay porn because I thought I had a thing for penises again. Then if I get the slightest groinal response I get stuck in testing for hours which then turns to days. Then the transsexual porn thing started again and I'm stuck in the same position I was in three weeks ago because I remembered the erection I had and its completely depressed me.

I also got another scare a couple of days ago where it seemed like I was getting turned on again with a bit of movement and when I felt to see if I was turned on it felt like the base of penis was swollen and a bit hard (like I was 10-30% turned on). I feared it was an half erection so I spent another whole night looking at the same transsexual and video again and again. I'm starting to get scared I'm getting more and more aroused by this stuff even though I only got one erection in probably a thousand and it takes a lot to force myself to be aroused and then I lose it instantly . The groinal responses are becoming much stronger and I'm getting more reactions. Maybe its all the porn that is destroying my brain or something but I can guarantee I don't enjoy looking at it and I certainly don't think that I am attracted to them even though my mind is telling me otherwise.

The only thoughts that stop me from just not looking at the porn is that I'm just denying it and maybe I am attracted to transsexual and won't let myself enjoy it. Maybe these groinal responses are myself actually getting aroused by it?

I just don't no what to think and it just feels like I am becoming a tranny chaser even though I just don't want to be and in my good days I know deep down that I am not. I've got to find a way to block porn on my computer and from my mind. Most of all stop giving in to all the testing and not letting some of these physical reactions bother me.

Sorry for the long post and for some of the things I talk about. Also I'm sorry that I repeat things a lot and there is only so much you can do, I really need to help myself.

Thanks again.
Josh.

Hi Josh,

The fear of being in denial is the HOCD bully talking, okay? You know who you are deep down - that's important to hold on to when the nagging doubts (due to the HOCD) start creeping in.

Remember, a groinal response or "bit of movement" doesn't necessarily mean anything. You could have movement watching paint dry! Unfortunately, your HOCD "Achilles' heel" is that any movement or sensation (when you're testing or checking yourself) feels like absolute proof that you're attracted to men or transsexuals. But it's not proof of ANYTHING. And the more you check and test, the worse you ALWAYS end up feeling, because your mind will latch onto that one time out of 100 or 1000 when there was the slightest reaction.

I think the best thing you can do is halt the thoughts as soon as they start to creep in. Remind yourself that - no matter HOW real the thought feels - it's another lie of the HOCD bully and nothing more. I know that's easier said than done, yet it sounds like you've been doing that a lot with great success (i.e. "not giving them the time of day").

Perhaps what might help is to remind yourself, when a thought starts getting in there and taking hold (like the idea that you were attracted to your penis) to step back and ask yourself, "do I want to give this thought my time and energy?" And then do everything you can to shift your focus to something else.

I know you know from lots of experience that checking NEVER helps. NEVER. And it ALWAYS makes you feel much worse. (I'm not reprimanding you, by the way.). Even though it's hard to resist, you've shown yourself that you can resist at times (you've been doing it a lot!).

Take some deep breaths and keep doing what has been working well for you. These are normal relapses - frustrating, but normal. The HOCD bully wants you to think that you're gay; that you're in denial; that you're attracted to transsexuals - but none of that is true. You know that deep down; it's just harder to believe when your anxiety is spiking.

Next time you feel the urge to watch porn to test yourself, do whatever you can to not give in. Remind yourself that you'll spiral downward if you do give in - and is it worth it? Come read this post again if needed (for some extra support). The urge will pass if you let it (perhaps not as fast as you'd like, I realize). And each time you resist the urge, it WILL get easier.

Hang in there!

Hi Josh,

No need to apologize for posting.

I don't know how else to say this except very bluntly: Your penis does NOT dictate your sexual orientation. PERIOD.

Also, you're not becoming bisexual. (That's your HOCD talking again...)

And please do NOT rely on Yahoo answers (or any other similar site) for answers. You'll get all sorts of opinions from well-meaning (and sometimes not so well-meaning) individuals, many of whom don't know what they're talking about.

The compulsive checking is your Achilles heel. Your HOCD causes you to interpret EVERY sensation, groinal response, and erection as ABSOLUTE PROOF that you're gay (or now, bisexual). Sexual orientation involves MUCH more than what gender causes an occasional physiological response.

Just because your body responds once in a while to homosexual (or transexual) images, does NOT mean you are gay or bisexual. IF you were gay or bisexual, your heart and mind would be responding (positively) as well (and all of it would be happening a LOT, not just once in a while) - and that is clearly not the case, is it?

I encourage you to consider why "one thought drags you down". Is there a pattern? (For example, is it when you're more tired, or stressed?)

The only thing "wrong" with you (I dislike using that term, but I'm using your wording) is that you struggle with an obsessive fear that you're gay or bisexual. And everything you describe CONTINUES to fit with typical patterns of HOCD - even though you keep doubting that (which is also very typical of HOCD).

Hang in there!

Hi Josh,

You said, "Up until recently it certainly wasn't the case and it isn't again now". It's NEVER been the case (remember, your heart and mind have to be involved too, and you would truly gain pleasure from it as well).

The fact that you couldn't "block" yourself from getting an erection yesterday does NOT mean anything.

The hardest thing with HOCD (and OCD in general) is to refrain from giving something meaning when there isn't any meaning to it.

I encourage you to remember that testing will NEVER give you the reassurance you desire. I also encourage you to not search online - those are the things that quickly trip you up and trigger your anxiety, which then leads you to test and check - and it just perpetuates the vicious cycle.

I know this is hard, but nothing has changed. Yesterday didn't change anything. Don't give it significance it doesn't deserve. (I know, easier said than done, but strive to remind yourself of that and shift your focus to other things when those doubts creep in.)

Hello Dr. Lane,

I hope you are well.

I've had a up and down 2 weeks since my last post. I suppose its been mainly good with minimal checking at all. The best news is that the transsexual thoughts just switched completely off last week but the bad news is that it switched back to men (not for the first time).

There is always that moment where I have a slight movement to an intrusive thought and I am stuck. I try to think its just OCD what is the real enemy but I'm starting to think I'm having too many near misses. I'm holding off the checking though.

2 erections to transsexual porn (80% sure they were random that was caused by sex rather than attraction)
5 questionable erections to straight thoughts what might be considered slightly gay. The ones where I think was I aroused by the thought of the woman or the man.(60/40)

I seem to have weird reactions to certain words for penis. Like the other week I had a questionable erections. I was reading the comments section about a girl on TV and a guy said he was "going to masturbate to her". Why did get an erection to that? I spoke to Mark about it and he said it's not gay but its "wish fulfilment" and something I'm relating to, rather than being aroused by the thought of a guy masturbating. Do you think he correct?

Its probably the same as a guy saying "I'm going to have sex with that girl later". Lots of men would be aroused by that thought.

I do seem to make erections that mean nothing into meaning something.

Thanks,
Josh

Hello Dr. Lane,

I hope you are well.

Thank you for replying to my post above and sorry I didn't say thank you sooner.

I was doing alright for the best part of the last three weeks but as usual the good days are cancelled by the bad. I know I shouldn't be bothered about near misses and I shouldn't be keeping score but the past two days have been extreme hell.

I just can't get away from the fact that I got aroused to something to do with the same sex over the past month. This caused intrusions to homosexual thoughts which caused a slight movement and now I'm pulled back in to checking (Didn't check for three weeks, which is a plus). I've had at least 10 near misses the past 2 days. I've been partially aroused (like 30%) by gay thoughts, transsexual thoughts and gay porn. Its not the people what cause these reactions, its penises. I have no idea why but seeing penises cause either groinal responses or movement, its even happening now. Its seems to be sex all the time, anything related causes a reaction.

Its never consistent though, if I check ten times it happens once and its when I'm most anxious or in panic. What straight man would ever get movement to something like this? I don't find men attractive though so it doesn't make sense. I saw your post to Feardrop and you talked about the possibility of him being a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale and I'm starting to think I might be that. Even though I still feel I'm a 0 because I don't believe it. Most of the time I just think I react to sex rather than attraction.

If anything I'm turning myself gay or bisexual. I had HOCD 7 months and I got one or two erections to transsexual porn. I've checked the same videos over and over for months, nothing happened. Why did it take so long for these reactions to happen?

I know you can't give me anymore advice, but writing it down or telling someone takes the weight off of my shoulders.

Thanks,
Josh.

Hi Josh,

I'm sorry I wasn't able to respond sooner; I wasn't ignoring your post! Just super busy and sometimes I just have time for one or two questions.

First, you are NOT turning yourself gay or bisexual. THAT is your HOCD talking!!!!! Okay??

Second, near misses don't mean you are gay or bi. They MEAN nothing; but with HOCD, the tendency is to give them meaning.

Third, with regards to my post to Feardrop; your story and his story are very different in many ways. I would 100% without any hesitation rate you as a 0 on the Kinsey scale. ZERO. I strongly encourage you not to compare yourself to ANY other reader here (I know, much much easier said than done).

BUT, (playing devil's advocate here - NOTHING more), EVEN if you were a 1 or 2, that does NOT make you bisexual and it certainly doesn't make you gay. Period. But again, I have no doubt whatsoever that you are a 0 on that scale, and not even slightly close to a 1. Okay?

Don't beat yourself up for "keeping score" and "being bothered". That's your HOCD - that's part of the compulsive behavior and anxiety that it causes.

Your sexual orientation is NOT determined by "movement", groinal responses, or even the occasional full blown erection to the things you've mentioned. I know it SEEMS those things must MEAN something really important, but they don't. I can't stress that enough.

The HOCD bully is really working overtime in your mind right now, and I do understand that it's causing you so much distress.

Again, NOTHING has changed in my opinion; I still firmly believe that you are straight and have HOCD. And right now, the HOCD is getting the better of you, which is so unfortunate.

I hope something I've said helps!

Hello Dr.Lane,

Thank you for replying. Don't worry, I know you weren't ignoring my post, I'm just glad to hear your advice. Also I know there is other people who deserve help and are struggling.

I think I really need to try my best to stop checking and doing compulsions. Most of the times when I stop doing compulsions I manage to get to three or four weeks before all the intrusions and thoughts kick in.

"Your sexual orientation is NOT determined by "movement", groinal responses, or even the occasional full blown erection to the things you've mentioned. I know it SEEMS those things must MEAN something really important, but they don't. I can't stress that enough." Most of the time I realise this but like you said my mind just makes me think that there is an hidden meaning to every movement and its something I've got to overcome. I analyse every detail of it all in my mind. I'm pretty damn sick of seeing sexual things every second of everyday

Its always the thoughts/intrusions that cause more problems than looking at porn really, because I know porn is just sex when any movement happens but with thoughts or intrusions I fear it might be more attraction. I do think I always have a small amount of arousal to most things sexual because if I touch my penis during anything porn or sexual related I am fully aroused in 10 seconds. It feels like a switch turned on in my head over the past month and is making my penis aroused. This past week as been by far the worst.

I know most of the time that I can't be anything more than straight and a zero but times like today I feel like a 6. I mean maybe all the touching I do with my penis during sexual thoughts or porn causes too many reactions. Especially when I feel like I enjoy looking at them and I get an erection that feels much more harder than usual but if I stop touching my penis, it goes down really quick. Also when I get this kind of reaction I try to recreate it but I never can. Its more transsexuals than actual men.

Its just the thought that I had these erections that keep the nightmare going, because my mind as put that in the evidence pile of what makes me gay/bisexual. If I can just somehow get by it and accept these things happen, I could be on the road to recovery.

Anyway I will try my best to stop the compulsions, but I've said that a lot over the past 8-9 months.

Thanks again,
Josh.

Hi Josh,

The compulsive behaviors are part of OCD; overcoming them is NOT easy. I still hope you can work directly with a therapist at some point. But, until then, when the urge strikes, do whatever you can to shift your focus to something else.

I certainly agree that the compulsive checking is what triggers these setbacks. However, please don't take that as a reprimand or criticism - it's the unfortunate nature of OCD.

The bright side of this, though, is that you KNOW you are able to go weeks at a time without engaging in these compulsions (which is a LOT better than many people with OCD) - and that's a really positive thing (although it may not seem like much of a consolation at the moment).

Keep taking it one day at a time.

Hi Josh,

I absolutely agree that the compulsive checking is the biggest issue for you, and sadly, it keeps reinforcing the obsessive thoughts. It's a vicious cycle, and a challenging (but not impossible) one to break.

The near misses are still misses, but your OCD is making you give them far more meaning. That's the nature of this disorder.

I think you would benefit greatly from ERP (exposure response prevention). Since you aren't able to work with a therapist, I suggest that you consider purchasing this book: The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD: A Guide to Overcoming Obsessions and Compulsions Using Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

It's available on Amazon (I have no affiliation with Amazon or anything related to the book). From reading the description and reviews, I think this one may be particularly helpful to you.

Trying to help yourself with such a challenging disorder is not easy, but you've made a lot of progress in the past so I am confident you can get past this in time. The one thing that is difficult about working through this is that, at times, you have to face the fears and "sit" with the distress, and that can be very uncomfortable, especially at first.

One of the challenges with overcoming OCD is the process of learning that you don't need to engage in the compulsive behavior (which is what ERP targets). The checking is so hard to resist because some times it briefly alleviates your anxiety, and that is what reinforces it. But it also keeps feeding your OCD and the anxiety.

In the past, you've found that when you stop checking you start doing SO much better.

Consider getting this workbook and working your way through it. This is all still a process - don't expect miracles. But I think you can eventually get past this and move forward once again.

Hello Dr. Lane,

Thanks for replying.

I will order the book as soon as I can.

"In the past, you've found that when you stop checking you start doing SO much better." This is very true, even when I'm not checking during the day it feels like a massive relief.

"The near misses are still misses, but your OCD is making you give them far more meaning. That's the nature of this disorder." This is the hardest part because my mind refuses to believe that there is not something in them. It could be anything from a groinal response, slight movement to arousal and I'm back in the loop. I keep thinking to myself no straight man would be slightly aroused to gay thoughts but we haven't asked the billions of men around the world, maybe if they obsessed and checked like me it could happen.

If I didn't have a penis, I'd probably have recovered by now.

I'll definitely get the book

Thanks again,
Josh.

Hi Josh,

I hope the book is helpful. And remember, sexual orientation is MUCH more than just "movement" or arousal. What you describe does NOT make you gay. That's the HOCD bully messing with your mind.

Hang in there!