HOCD,Please help i am in pain...

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Posted by LIGEIA on May 14, 2002:
I am 22 and suffer from hocd. Yesterday i had a really bad panic attack. I started crying, hitting my head with my hands and screaming. Finally i cut my skin with a razor and then took some pills to sleep. I am not sure this is OCD since i experience some weird things. Can anyone relate to these?

1.my mind asks:Do you prefer listening to male or female voices?(radio, television, phone etc). Do you prefer seeing homo or eterosexual couples (on the street, on television)?
Sometimes i am so scared that i dont even say words which indicate female stuff. I dont even look at shop fronts with womens clothing.I also make bets and say: if you look that woman on the subway, before you get off, you are gay.

2. Some people in here wrote that they know deep in their heart that they are not gay. Well, how can i be sure about that? Sometimes i am so confused. I just dont know... I think i suffer from ego-dystonic homosexuality, even though i was/am always straight.

3. I think that every woman i see is a lesbian, or she is going to become one...

4. I believe that if i take any posts by females, they are probably lesbi
ans who will persuade me to follow the gay lifestyle and have relationship with them.

5.I am afraid that if i answer to my brain:ok, i am gay so what?...the brain will answer back "see? i told you so! it wasnt that easy to accept it". I dont wnat to say that. It is like accepting something, that isn't real...or is it???

6.I look at my boyfriend whom i deeply love and listen to my brain screaming: you little fool. Look at him. You dont want him. You are pretending. What you really want is a woman, just like you. Wouldn't it be better if you were a guy and had the chance to sleep with beautiful women? Don't you think that men are really lucky? You poor thing..since you are a woman, you have to be a lesbian to enjoy that.
At this point i become deeply sad and upset, when i am with my boyfriend(to me, that is a sign i am gay). The voices seem so real...How can i go on with him, when my mind says all these things?

7.My gynecologist told me that, someone can change, if the right catalyst is found. Does this mean tha there is a woman somewhere who could probably make me want to live as a lesbian? Few months ago (before my ocd started) i saw the movie Top Model, with Angelina Jolie, who is supposed to be a lesbian. She meets a woman-normal one- has sex with her and finally the normal one, falls in love with Jolie. Is this possible to happen?

I have some other hocd thoughts, which i cant remember right now. I think that if i find out that i am gay, i will either disappear or commit suicide. I dont want to live as a lesbian or bisexual. Please think carefully before answering me. I am really fragile right now. I know i look for reassurance but i dont care. Just help me if you can....Thank you all...

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