but i've had some gay fantasies in the past but i never want to actually do them for real. i thought about going down on guys, and i've wondered what it would feel like to be penetrated. i actually enjoyed it a number of times.
but like many of you i always had straight fantasies and sexual desire for females in school or on the street, etc. i never met a man that i wanted to have sex with although i had the fantasies a couple of times. i guess i had homosexual fantasies (oral sex, some anal sex, etc) about 5% of the time, the rest was straight sex. i never had the fantasies growing up, just for a brief period in my twenties.
now, this has sparked much panic and fright within me. i know i masturbated while thinking about going down on a guy and i did it on several occassions. but i also thought about doing it way more to females and that's what i want to act out in my life. also, there was never any emotional ties or desire to know or date men. just some sex acts in my fantasy life.
now i feel consumed with anxiety and fear that i'm gay and i have all the symtoms that are described in the posts here. its very much like reading about myself. the only difference is that i'm very afraid because i've had these thoughts and fantasies. but in real life my actual desire is to be with females.
i'm terrified i'm gay or bisexual or something. have any of you hocd sufferers had homosexual fantasies?