Going To Hell

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Posted by Ken on May 12, 2002:
Hey all,
Well, I started seeing a counselor, a free service through my employer, until I can get my insurance company to authorize an out of network OCD psychiatrist. (The outpatient thing at the hospital didn't work because it is only for people with no insurance, not people with crappy insurance.)

Anyway, he is very adament about "revealing my childhood trauma's" that have manifested into the OCD symptoms. We got into kind of a power struggle over that. We'll see who wins. I have some stuff that I printed out off of the NIMH web sight that flat out states that traditional coping therapy isn't the way to go. That the OCD patient has to confront their fears and learn to deal with them without falling into their compulsions. (Do I have that right?)
Well, despite the fact that we didn't agree on the proper treatment we did end up having a really good discussion. We talked a lot about religion and God. I realized that my number one fear is going to Hell. Almost all of my obsessions - gay sex, molestation, suicide, masturbation etc...- are things that I am convinced will send me to Hell if I actually do them. (I'm still not too sure about the masturbation thing obsession/compulsion/obsession/compulsion, I keep going back and forth on that one) Anyway, I am terrified of death. When I actually think about what it might be like or how it might happen, that is when I come real close to an anxiety attack. I often have broken out into tears. I am sure I will be going to hell eventhough I know I am a basically good person and that my sins are probably not enough to get me sent to hell. Probably just a few extra years in Purgatory. :)

Does anyone else have fears like this? What is your religious background? For the Catholics, does confession help or hurt? What else can you tell me?

FYI- here is my religios background:

I was baptized Catholic when I was born, but then my mother converted to my father's church because the church wouldn't marry them since he was divorced.
I was raised in a baptist church which I really enjoyed until the minister (who is also me and my brother's godfather) retired. The church was taken over by a corrupt minister who tore it apart.

My house was not overly religious eventhough we went to church every week. We said grace and that was about it.

I went to several churches for awhile, including Unitarian.

When I went away to college I declared myself agnostic although I knew I wasn't.
Several years ago I joined the Episcopal church - went through confirmation and everything- despite the fact that I really wanted to be Catholic. I compromised because my wife is a strong atheist and has a lot of issues with the Church. (the current crisis doesn't help)

Two years ago, after a severe personal failure, I worked it out with my wife and joined the Catholic church. I am happy with the Catholic Church and believe 90% of what it teaches.

I am currently not attending Mass. This is for a couple reasons. The first is, I am afraid to go to confession. If I haven't gone to confession I can't receive the Eucharist which is the most important thing to me. The other thing is I work nights and my schedule makes it difficult for me to go to Mass. (I know, that is probably more an excuse than a reason.) Finally, but probably not least, I feel betrayed by the current pedophile crisis. I feel that I will be labeled a pedophile because I am a Catholic- especially since I chose to be one.

Well, That's it for now. Sorry this is so long.

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